Love
There are different kinds of love, and these are variously
expressed as motherly love, brotherly love, sensual love, emotional
love, sexual love, selfish love, selfless love and universal
love.
If people develop only their carnal or selfish love towards
each other, that type of love cannot last long. In a true love
relationship, one should not ask how much one can get, but how much
one can give.
When beauty, complexion and youth start to fade away, a
husband who considers only the physical aspects of love may think
of acquiring another young one. That type of love is animal love or
lust. If a man really develops love as an expression of human
concern for another being, he will not lay emphasis only on the
external beauty and physical attractiveness of his partner. The
beauty and attractiveness of his partner should be in his heart and
mind, not in what he sees. Likewise, the wife who follows Buddhist
teachings will never neglect her husband even though he has become
old, poor or sick. "I have a fear that the modern girl loves to be
Juliet to have a dozen Romeos. She loves adventure... The modern
girl dresses not to protect herself from wind, rain and sun, but to
attract attention. She improves upon nature by painting herself and
looking extraordinary." - (Gandhi)
Sex by itself is not "evil", although the temptation and craving
for it invariably disturbs the peace of mind, and hence is not
conducive to spiritual development.
In the ideal situation, sex is the physical culmination of a
deeply satisfying emotional relationship, where both partners give
and take equally.
The portrayal of love by commercial groups through the mass
media in what we call "western" culture is not "real" love. When an
animal wants to have sex, it shows its "love", but after having
experienced sex, it just forgets about love. For animals, sex is
just an instinctive drive necessary for procreation. But a human
being has much more to offer in the concept of love. Duties and
responsibilities are important ingredients to maintain unity,
harmony and understanding in a relationship between human
beings.
Sex is not the most important ingredient for happiness in a
married life. Those who have become, slaves to sex would only ruin
love and humanity in marriage. Apart from that, a woman must cease
to consider herself as the object of a man's lust. The remedy is
more in her hand than in a man's. She must refuse to adorn herself
simply to please a man, even if he is her husband. If she wants to
be an equal partner with a man, she should dress so that her
dignity is enhanced, and she does not become a sex symbol.
"Marriage for the satisfaction of the sexual appetite is no
marriage. It is oncupiscence." -- (Gandhi)
Love may indeed be a product of sex, but the reverse is likewise
true: sex is an expression of love. In the ideally happy married
life, both love and sex are inseparable.
We can study the Buddha's teaching regarding the feelings that
man and woman have for each other. The Buddha says that he had
never seen any object in this world which attracts man's attention
more than the figure of a woman. At the same time the main
attraction for the woman is the figure of a man. It means that by
nature, woman and man give each other worldly pleasure. They cannot
gain happiness of this kind from any other object. When we observe
very carefully, we notice that among all the things which provide
pleasure, there is no other object that can please all the five
senses at the same time beside the male and female figures.
The ancient Greeks knew this when they said that originally man
and woman were one. They were separated and the two parts that were
divided are constantly seeking to be re-united as man and
woman.
Young people by nature like to indulge in worldly pleasures
which can include both good and bad things. Good things, like the
enjoyment of music, poetry, dance, good food, dress and similar
pursuits do no harm to the body. They only distract us from seeing
the fleeting nature and uncertainty of existence and thereby delay
our being able to perceive the true nature of the self.
The faculties and senses of young people are very fresh and
alert; they are very keen to satisfy all the five senses. Almost
everyday, they plan and think out ways and means to experience some
form of pleasure. By the very nature of existence, one will never
be completely satisfied with whatever pleasure one experiences and
the resultant craving in turn only creates more anxieties and
worries.
When one ceases to crave for sensual pleasure and does not seek
to find physical comfort in the company of others, the need for
marriage does not arise. Suffering and worldly enjoyment are both
the outcome of craving, attachment and emotion. If we try to
control and suppress our emotions by adopting unrealistic tactics
we create disturbances in our mind and in our physical body.
Therefore we must know how to handle and control our human passion.
Without abusing or misusing this passion, we can tame our desires
through proper understanding.
John J. Robinson in his book "Of Suchness" gives the following
advice on love, sex and married life. "Be careful and discreet; it
is much easier to get married than unmarried. If you have the right
mate, it's heavenly; but if not, you live in a twenty-four-hour
daily hell that clings constantly to you, it can be one of the
bitterest things in life. Life is indeed strange. Somehow, when you
find the right one, you know it in your heart. It is not just an
infatuation of the moment. But the powerful urges of sex drive a
young person headlong into blind acts and one cannot trust his
feelings too much. This is especially true if one drinks and get
befuddled; the lousiest slut in a dark bar can look like a Venus
then, and her charms become irresistible. Love is much more than
sex though; it is the biological foundation between a man and a
woman; love and sex get all inter-twined and mixed up".
Almost everyday, we hear people complaining about their
marriages. Very seldom do we hear stories about a happy marriage.
Young people reading romantic novels and seeing romantic films
often conclude that marriage is a bed of roses. Unfortunately,
marriage is not as sweet as one thinks. Marriage and problems are
interrelated and' people must remember that when they are getting
married, they will have to face problems and responsibilities that
they had never expected or experienced hitherto.
People often think that it is a duty to get married and that
marriage is a very important event in their lives. However, in
order to ensure a successful marriage, a couple has to harmonise
their lives by minimising whatever differences they may have
between them. Marital problems prompted a cynic to say that there
can only be a peaceful married life if the marriage is between a
blind wife and a deaf husband, for the blind wife cannot see the
faults of the husband and a deaf husband cannot hear the nagging of
his wife.
One of the major causes of marital problems is suspicion and
mistrust. Marriage is a blessing but many people make it a curse
due to lack of understanding.
Both husband and wife should show implicit trust for one another
and try not to have secrets between them. Secrets create suspicion,
suspicion leads to jealously, jealousy generates anger, anger
causes enmity and enmity may result in separation, suicide or even
murder.
If a couple can share pain and pleasure in their day-to-day
life, they can console each other and minimize their grievances.
Thus, the wife or husband should not expect to experience only
pleasure. There will be a lot of painful, miserable experiences
that they will have to face. They must have the strong willpower to
reduce their burdens and misunderstandings. Discussing mutual
problems will give them confidence to live together with better
understanding.
Man and woman need the comfort of each other when facing
problems and difficulties. The feelings of insecurity and unrest
will disappear and life will be more meaningful, happy and
interesting if there is someone who is willing to share another's
burden.
When two people are in love, they tend to show only the best
aspects of their nature and character to each other in order to
project a good impression of themselves. Love is said to be blind
and hence people in love tend to become completely oblivious of the
darker side of each other's natures.
In practice, each will try to highlight his or her sterling
qualities to the other; and being so engrossed in love, they tend
to accept each other at "face value" only. Each lover will not
disclose the darker side of his or her nature for fear of losing
the other. Any personal shortcomings are discreetly swept under the
carpet, so to speak, so as not to jeopardise their chances of
winning each other. People in love also tend to ignore their
partner's faults thinking that they will be able to correct them
after marriage, or that they can live with these faults, that "love
will conquer all".
However, after marriage, as the initial romantic mood wears off,
the true nature of each other's character will be revealed. Then,
much to the disappointment of both parties, the proverbial veil
that had so far been concealing the innermost feelings of each
partner is removed to expose the true nature of both partners. It
is then that disillusion sets in.
Love by itself does not subsist on fresh air and sunshine alone.
The present world is a materialistic world and in order to meet
your material needs, proper financing and budgeting is essential.
Without it, no family can live comfortably. Such a situation aptly
bears out the saying that "when poverty knocks at the door, love
flies through the window". This does not mean that one must be rich
to make a marriage work. However, if one has the bare necessities
of life provided through a secure job and careful planning, many
unnecessary anxieties can be removed from a marriage.
The discomfort of poverty can be averted if there is complete
understanding between the couple. Both partners must understand the
value of contentment. Both must treat all problems as "our
problems" and share all the "ups" and "downs" in the true spirit of
a long-standing life partnership.
The Anguttara Nikaya contains some valuable advice which the
Buddha gave to young girls prior to their marriage. Realising that
there could be difficulties with the new in-laws, the girls were
enjoined to give every respect to their mothers-in-law and
fathers-in-law, serving them lovingly as their own parents. They
were expected to honour and respect their husband's relatives and
friends, thus creating a congenial and happy atmosphere in their
new homes.
They were also advised to study and understand their husbands'
natures, ascertain their activities, characters and temperaments,
and to be useful and cooperative at all times in their new homes.
They should be polite, kind and watchful of their husbands'
earnings and see to it that all household expenditures were
properly administered. The advice given by the Buddha more than
twenty-five centuries ago is still valid even today.
In view of what has been said about "birth and suffering", some
people have criticised Buddhism saying that it is against married
life. They are wrong. The Buddha never spoke against married life.
However, he pointed out all the problems, difficulties and worries
that people would have to face when they take on the responsibility
of marriage. Just because he warned one against problems in
marriage does not mean that the Buddha condemned marriage.
The act of marriage itself implies that a person is still more
attached to the physical world and since our mental faculties are
influenced by craving, attachment and human emotions, it is but
natural that problems would arise. This happens when we have to
consider the needs of others and to give in to what others
need.
A deep analysis of the nature of self is important to help us to
understand the origin of our problems, worries, miseries and how to
overcome them. Here, religious advice is important for maintaining
a tranquil life. However, a man should not become a slave to any
religion. Man is not for religion, religion is for man. That means
man must know how to make use of religion for his betterment and
for his happiness in a respectable way. Simply by following certain
religious vows, precepts or commandments with blind faith or by
force, thinking that we are duty-bound to observe them will not
develop proper understanding.
One important aspect of Buddhism is that the Buddha did not
impose any religious laws or commandments. The Buddha was a unique
teacher who had set out a number of disciplinary codes for us to
uphold according to our way of life. Those who follow the precepts
observe them voluntarily but not as obligatory religious laws. It
is up to us to follow the advice through our own understanding and
experience of what is good for us and for others. Through trial and
error, we will learn to follow the advice which will give us just
peace and happiness.
One should try to understand the nature of the worldly life: By
knowing that you have to face problems, you will be able to
strengthen your mind and be more prepared to face the problems that
could arise if you get married. Religion is important to help you
overcome your problems. Whatever you learnt about religious
principles when you were young can be adopted to avoid
misunderstanding, disappointment and frustration. At the same time,
certain good qualities such as patience and understanding which we
learned through religion are important assets to help us to lead a
peaceful married life.
Normally, it is due to a lack of mutual understanding that many
married couples lead miserable lives. The result of this is that
their innocent children also have to suffer. It is better to know
how to handle your problems in order to lead a happy married life.
Religion can help you to do this.
One of the causes of greatest concern among those who do not
belong to the non-Semitic religions is the problem of conversion
before marriage. While Buddhists and Hindus never demand that a
couple must belong to the same religion before a marriage can be
solemnized, many others tend to take advantage of this
tolerance.
Marriage, contrary to what many romantic novels say, does not
mean the total and absolute merging of two people to the extent
that each loses his or her own identity. When a religion demands
that both partners must have the same religious label, it denies
the basic human right of an individual to believe what he or she
wants. Societies throughout history have proved that "Unity in
Diversity" is not only possible but also desirable. Out of
diversity comes greater respect and understanding. This should
apply to marriage also. There are many living examples all over the
world where the husband and wife maintain their own beliefs and yet
are able to maintain their happy married life without confronting
each other.
Buddhists do not oppose the existence of other religions even
within the same household. Unfortunately this generous attitude has
been exploited by unscrupulous religionists who are out to gain
converts by all means.
Intelligent Buddhists must be aware of this stratagem. No
self-respecting intelligent human being who really understands what
he believes according to his own conviction should give up his
beliefs merely to satisfy the man-made demands of another religion.
Buddhists do not demand that their partners embrace Buddhism.
Neither should they surrender their own beliefs.
When young people are in love, they are prepared to make many
sacrifices so long as they can get married. But after a few years,
when the real task of building a successful marriage begins,
frustrations begin to set in. When a partner who had given up his
deep-seated religious beliefs for "love" begins to regret having
done so, unnecessary misunderstandings arise: These provide added
tensions at a period when there is boredom in a marriage. There
will be quarrels. And normally, one of the main causes of these
quarrels will be the question of which .religion the children
should belong to.
Therefore, it is most important for one to know that if there is
a process of conversion involved, it must be based on true
conviction and not mere convenience or compulsion. Buddhism
maintains the freedom of the individual to choose. This principle
should be respected by all.
There is no specific Buddhist ritual or procedure to conduct a
marriage. Buddhism recognises the traditions and cultures practised
by people in different countries. Hence, Buddhist religious
ceremonies differ from one country to another.
In general practice, a religious service for blessing and to
give advice to the couple is customarily performed either in the
temple or at home to give a greater significance to the marriage.
Nowadays, in many countries, besides the blessing service,
religious organizations also have been given the authority to
solemnise and register marriages together with .the issuance of
legal marriage certificates.
By and large, the most important point is that the couple should
be utterly sincere in their intention to cooperate with and
understand each other not only during times of happiness but also
whenever they face difficulties.
In the past, there was no such thing as a legal registration of
marriages. A man and woman mutually decided to accept each other as
husband and wife and thereafter they lived together. Their marriage
was carried out in the presence of the community, and separation
was rare. The most important thing was that they developed real
love and respected their mutual responsibilities.
A legal registration of marriage is important today to ensure
security and to safeguard property and children. Due to the sense
of insecurity, a couple performs legal marriages to ensure that
they are legally bound not to neglect their duties and not to
ill-treat each other. Today, some couples even draw up a legal
contract on what would happen to their property if they were
divorced!
According to Buddhist teaching, in a marriage, the husband can
expect the following qualities from his wife:
- love
- attentiveness
- family obligations
- faithfulness
- child-care
- thrift
- the provision of meals
- to calm him down when he is upset
- sweetness in everything
In return, the wife's expectation from the husband is:
- tenderness
- courtesy
- sociability
- security
- fairness
- loyalty
- honesty
- good companionship
- moral support
Apart from these emotional and sensual aspects, the couple will
have to take care of day-today living conditions, family budget and
social obligations. Thus, mutual consultations between the husband
and wife on all family problems would help to create an atmosphere
of trust and understanding in resolving whatever issues that may
arise.
The Buddha's Advice to a Couple
1) The Wife
In advising women about their role in married life, the Buddha
appreciated that the peace and harmony of a home rested largely on
a woman. His advice was realistic and practical when he explained a
good number of day-to-day characteristics which a woman should or
should not cultivate. On diverse occasions, the Buddha counselled
that a wife should:
- not harbour evil thoughts against her husband;
- not be cruel, harsh or domineering;
- not be spendthrift but should be economical and live within her
means;
- guard and save her husband's hard-earned earnings and
property;
- always be attentive and chaste in mind and action;
- be faithful and harbour no thought of any adulterous acts;
- be refined in speech and polite in action;
- be kind, industrious and hardworking;
- be thoughtful and compassionate towards her husband and her
attitude should equate that of a mother's love and concern for the
protection of her only son;
- be modest and respectful;
- be cool, calm and understanding - serving not only as a wife but
also as a friend and advisor when the need arises.
In the days of the Buddha, other religious teachers also spoke
on the duties and obligations of a wife towards her husband -
stressing particularly on the duty of a wife bearing an off-spring
for the husband, rendering faithful service and providing conjugal
happiness.
Some communities are very particular about having a son in the
family. They believe that a son is necessary to perform their
funeral rites so that their after-life will be a good one. The
failure to get a son from the first wife, gives a man the liberty
to have another wife in order to get a son. Buddhism does not
support this belief.
According to what the Buddha taught about the law of Karma, one
is responsible for one's own action and its consequences. Whether a
son or a daughter is born is determined not by a father or mother
but the karma of the child. And the well-being of a father or
grandfather does not depend upon the action of the son or grandson.
Each is responsible for his own actions. So, it is wrong for men to
blame their wives or for a man to feel inadequate when a son is not
born. Such Enlightened Teachings help to correct the views of many
people and naturally reduce the anxiety of women who are unable to
produce sons to perform the "rites of the ancestors".
Although the duties of a wife towards the husband were laid down
in the Confucian code of discipline, it did not stress the duties
and obligations of the husband towards the wife. In the Sigalovada
Sutta however, the Buddha clearly mentioned the duties of a husband
towards the wife and vice versa.
2) The Husband
The Buddha, in reply to a householder as to how a husband should
minister to his wife, declared that the husband should always
honour and respect his wife, by being faithful to her, by giving
her the requisite authority to manage domestic affairs and by
giving her befitting ornaments. This advice, given over twenty five
centuries ago, still stands good for today.
Knowing the psychology of the man who tends to consider himself
superior, the Buddha made a remarkable change and uplifted the
status of a woman by a simple suggestion that a husband should
honour and respect his wife. A husband should be faithful to his
wife, which means that a husband should fulfill and maintain his
marital obligations to his wife thus sustaining the confidence in
the marital relationship in every sense of the word. The husband,
being a bread-winner, would invariably stay away from home, hence
he should entrust the domestic or household duties to the wife who
should be considered as the keeper and the distributor of the
property and the home economic-administrator. The provision of
befitting ornaments to the wife should be symbolic of the husband's
love, care and attention showered on the wife. This symbolic
practice has been carried out from time immemorial in Buddhist
communities. Unfortunately it is in danger of dying out because of
the influence of modern civilization.
In the past, since the social structure of most communities was
different from that we find today, a husband and wife were
interdependent on each other. There was mutual understanding, and
the relationship was stable because each knew exactly what his or
her role was in the partnership. The `love' that some husbands and
wives try to show others by embracing each other in public does not
necessarily indicate true love or understanding. In the past,
although married couples did not express their love or inner
feeling publicly, they had a deep even unspoken understanding and
mutual respect for each other.
The ancient customs which people had in certain countries that
the wife must sacrifice her life after her husband's death and also
the custom which prevents a widow from remarrying is foreign to
Buddhism. Buddhism does not regard a wife as being inferior to a
husband.
Some women feel that for them to concentrate on the upbringing
of the family is degrading and conservative. It is true that in the
past women had been treated very badly, but this was due more to
the ignorance on the part of men than the inherent weakness in the
concept of depending on women to bring up children.
Women have been struggling for ages to gain equality with men in
the field of education, the professions, politics and other
avenues. They are now at par with men to a great extent. The male
generally tends to be aggressive by nature and the female more
emotional. In the domestic scene, particularly in the East, the
male is more dominant as head of the family whilst the female tends
to remain as passive partner. Please remember, "passive" here does
not mean "weak". Rather it is a positive quality of "softness" and
"gentleness". If man and woman maintain their masculine and
feminine qualities inherited from nature and recognise their
respective strengths, then, that attitude can contribute towards a
congenial mutual understanding between the sexes.
Gandhi's remarks: "I believe in the proper education of
woman. But do believe that woman will not make her contribution to
the world by mimicking or running a race with man. She can run the
race, but she will not rise to the great heights she is capable of
by mimicking man. She has to be the complement of man".
The basis of all human society is the intricate relationship
between parent and child. A mother's duty is to love, care and
protect the child, even at extreme cost. This is the
self-sacrificing love that the Buddha taught. It is practical,
caring and generous and it is selfless. Buddhists are taught that
parents should care for the child as the earth cares for all the
plants and creatures.
Parents are responsible for the well-being and up-bringing of
their children. If the child grows up to be a strong, healthy and
useful citizen, it is the result of parents' efforts. If the child
grows up to be a ,delinquent, parents must bear the responsibility.
One must not blame others or society if children go astray. It is
the duty of parents to guide children on the proper path.
A child, at its most impressionable age, needs the tender love,
care and attention of parents. Without parental love and guidance,
a child will be handicapped and will find the world a bewildering
place to live in. However, showering parental love, care and
attention does not mean pandering to all the demands of the child,
reasonable or otherwise. Too much pampering would spoil the child.
The mother in bestowing her love and care, should also be strict
and firm in handling the tantrums of a child. Being strict and firm
does not mean being harsh to the child. Show your love, but temper
it with a disciplined hand - the child will understand.
Unfortunately, amongst present-day parents, parental love is
sadly lacking. The mad rush for material advancement, the
liberation movements and the aspiration for equality, have resulted
in many mothers joining their husbands, spending their working
hours in offices and shops, rather than remaining at home tending
to their off-spring. The children, left to the care of relations or
paid servants, are bewildered on being denied tender motherly love
and care. The mother, feeling guilty about her lack of attention,
tries to placate the child by giving in to all sorts of demands
from the child. Such an action spoils the child. Providing the
child with all sorts of modern toys such as tanks, machine guns,
pistols, swords and such like equipment as an appeasement is not
psychologically good.
Loading a child with such toys is no substitute for a mother's
tender love and affections. Devoid of parental affection and
guidance, it will not be surprising if the child subsequently grows
up to be a delinquent. Then, who is to be blamed for bringing up a
wayward child? The parents of course! The working mother,
especially after a hard day's work in an office to be followed by
household chores, can hardly find time for the child that is
yearning for her care and attention. Parents who have no time for
their children should not complain when these same children have no
time for them when they are old. Parents who claim that they spend
a lot of money on their children but are too busy should not
complain when their "busy" children in turn leave them in expensive
Homes for the Aged!
Most women work today so that the family can enjoy more material
benefits. They should seriously consider Gandhi's advice for men to
seek freedom from greed rather than freedom from need. Of course,
given today's economic set-up we cannot deny that some mothers are
forced to work. In such a case, the father and mother must make
extra sacrifices of their time to compensate for what their
children miss when they are away. If both parents spend their
non-working hours at home with their children, there will be
greater understanding between parents and children.
In his discourses, the Buddha has listed certain primary duties
and functions as essential guide-lines for parents to observe. One
of the primary guide-lines is, by precept, practice and action, to
lead the children away from things that are evil and through gentle
persuasion, to guide them to do all that is good for the family,
for society and for the country. In this connection, parents would
have to exercise great care in dealing with their children. It is
not what the parents profess but what they really are and do, that
the child absorbs unconsciously and lovingly. The child's entry to
the world is moulded by emulating parental behaviour. It follows
that good begets good and evil begets evil. Parents who spend much
time with their children will subtly transmit their characteristics
to their offspring.
It is the duty of parents to see to the welfare of their
children. In fact the dutiful and loving parents shoulder the
responsibilities with pleasure. To lead children on the right path,
parents should first set the example and lead ideal lives. It is
almost impossible to expect worthy children from unworthy parents.
Apart from the Karmic tendencies children inherit from previous
births, they invariably inherit the defects and virtues of parents
too. Responsible parents should take every precaution not to
transmit undesirable, tendencies to their progeny.
According to the Sigalovada Sutta, there are five duties that
should be performed by parents:
1) The first duty is to dissuade children from
evil.
Home is the first school, and parents are the first teachers.
Children usually take elementary lessons in good and evil from
their parents. Careless parents directly or indirectly impart an
elementary knowledge of lying, cheating, dishonesty, slandering,
revenge, shamelessness and fearlessness for evil and immoral
activities to their children during childhood days.
Parents should show exemplary conduct and should not transmit
such vices into their children's impressionable minds.
2) The second duty is to persuade them to do good.
Parents are the teachers at home; teachers are the parents in
school. Both parents and teachers are responsible for the future
well-being of the children, who become what they are made into.
They are, and they will be, what the adults are. They sit at the
feet of the adults during their impressionable age. They imbibe
what they impart. They follow in their footsteps. They are
influenced by their thoughts, words and deeds. As such it is the
duty of the parents to create the most congenial atmosphere both at
home and in the school.
Simplicity, obedience, co-operation, unity, courage,
self-sacrifice, honesty, straightforwardness, service,
self-reliance, kindness, thrift, contentment, good manners,
religious zeal and other kindred virtues should be inculcated in
their juvenile minds by degrees. Seeds so planted will eventually
grow into fruit-laden trees.
3) The third duty is to give the children a good
education.
A decent education is the best legacy that parents can bequeath
to their children. A more valuable treasure there is not. It is the
best blessing that parents could confer on their children.
Education should be imparted to them, preferably from youth, in
a religious atmosphere. This has far-reaching effects on their
lives.
4) The fourth duty is to see that they are married to
suitable individuals.
Marriage is a solemn act that pertains to the whole lifetime;
this union should be one that cannot be dissolved easily. Hence,
marriage has to be viewed from every angle and in all its aspects
to the satisfaction of all parties before the wedding.
According to Buddhist culture, duty supercedes rights. Let both
parties be not adamant, but use their wise discretion and come to
an amicable settlement. Otherwise, there will be mutual cursing and
other repercussions. More often than not the infection is
transmitted to progeny as well.
5) The last duty is to hand over to them, at the proper
time, their inheritance.
Parents not only love and tend their children as long as they
are still in their custody, but also make preparations for their
future comfort and happiness. They hoard up treasures at personal
discomfort and ungrudgingly give them as a legacy to their
children.
Buddhism is the religion of compassion, and the parents should
never forget to present it to the children as such. The Buddha
taught the Dhamma out of compassion for the world. Parents should
practise the "Four Sublime States of Mind" taught by the Buddha in
raising their children. They are:
Metta - loving-kindness or goodwill
Karuna - compassion
Mudita - sympathetic joy
Upekkha - "equanimity" or "even-mindedness"
These four states, well practised will help parents remain calm
throughout the difficult period of child-rearing.
This is the right or ideal way of conduct towards living beings.
These four attitudes of mind provide the framework for all
situations arising from social contact. They are the great removers
of tension, the great peacemakers in social conflict, the great
healers of wounds suffered in the struggle for existence; levellers
of social barriers, builders of harmonious communities, awakeners
of slumbering magnanimity long forgotten, revivers of joy and hope
long abandoned, promoters of human brotherhood against the forces
of egotism.
Perhaps the greatest challenge that a married couple has to face
is the proper upbringing of a child. This is another aspect which
distinguishes us from animals. While an animal does care for its
offspring with great devotion, a human parent has a greater
responsibility, which is the nurturing of the mind. The Buddha has
said that the greatest challenge a man faces is to tame the mind.
Ever since a child is born, from infancy through adolescence to
maturity, a parent is primarily responsible for the development of
a child's mind. Whether a person becomes a useful citizen or not
depends mainly on the extent to which its mind has been developed.
In Buddhism, a good parent can practise four great virtues to
sustain him or her and to overcome the great frustrations which are
so closely related with parenthood.
When a child is yet a toddler, unable to express its needs, it
is quite prone to indulge in tantrums and crying. A parent who
practises the first virtue of loving kindness can maintain peace
within herself or himself to continue to love the child while it is
being so difficult. A child who enjoys the effects of this loving
kindness will himself learn to radiate it spontaneously.
As the child becomes more mature as an adolescent, parents
should practise Karuna or Compassion towards him.
Adolescence is a very difficult time for children. They are coming
to terms with adulthood and therefore are rebellious, with a great
deal of their anger and frustrations directed at their parents.
With the practise of Compassion, parents will understand that this
rebelliousness is a natural part of growing up and that children do
not mean to hurt their parents willfully. A child who has enjoyed
loving kindness and compassion will himself become a better person.
Having not had hate directed at him, he will only radiate love and
compassion towards others.
Just before he becomes an adult, a child will probably meet
with-some success in examinations and other activities outside the
home. This is the time for parents to practise sympathetic joy. Too
many parents in modern society use their children to compete with
their associates. They want their children to do well for selfish
reasons; it is all because they want others to think well of them.
By practising sympathetic joy, a parent will rejoice in the success
and happiness of his or her child with no ulterior motive. He is
happy simply because his child is happy! A child who has been
exposed to the effects of sympathetic joy will himself become a
person who does not envy others and who is not overly competitive.
Such a person will have no room in his heart for selfishness, greed
or hatred.
When a child has reached adulthood and has a career and family
of his own, his parents should practise the last great virtue of
equanimity (Upekkha). This is .one of the most difficult
things for Asian parents to practise. It is hard for them to allow
their children to. become independent in their own right. When
parents practise equanimity, they will not interfere with the
affairs of their children and not be selfish in demanding more time
and attention than the children can give. Young adults in the
modern society have many problems. An understanding parent of a
young couple should not impose extra burdens by making unnecessary
demands on them. Most importantly, elderly parents should try not
to make their married children feel guilty by making them feel that
they have neglected their filial obligations. If parents practise
equanimity they will remain serene in their old age and thereby
earn the respect of the younger generation.
When parents practise these four virtues towards their children,
the children will respond favourably and a pleasant atmosphere will
prevail at home. A home where there is loving kindness, compassion,
sympathetic joy and equanimity will be a happy home. Children who
grow up under such an environment will grow up to be understanding,
compassionate, willing workers and considerate employers. This is
the greatest legacy any parent can give to his child.
One of the saddest things about modern society is the lack of
parental love which children in highly industrialized countries
suffer from. When a couple gets married, they usually plan to have
a number of children. And once the child is born, parents are
morally obliged to care for him to the best of their ability.
Parents are responsible to see that a child is not only satisfied
materially; the spiritual and psychological aspects are very
important too.
The provision of material comfort is of secondary importance
when compared to the provision of parental love and attention. We
know of many parents from the not-so-well-to-do families who have
brought up their children well and with plenty of love. On the
other hand, many rich families have provided every material comfort
for their children but have deprived them of parental love. Such
children will just grow up devoid of any psychological and moral
development.
A mother should consider carefully whether she should continue
to be a working mother or a housewife giving all the affection and
care for the well-being of her growing child. (Strangely, some
modern mothers are also being trained to handle guns and other
deadly equipments when they should be cuddling their children and
training them to be good and law-abiding citizens.)
The modern trend and attitude of working mothers towards their
children also tends to erode the time-honoured filial piety which
children are expected to shower on their parents. The replacement
of breast-feeding by bottle feeding could also be another factor
which has contributed to the erosion of the affection between
mother and child. When mothers breast-feed and cuddle babies in
their arms, the tender affection between mother and child is much
greater and the influence the mother had on the child for its
well-being, is much more pronounced. Under such circumstances,
filial piety, family cohesion and obedience are invariably present.
These traditional traits are for the good and well-being of the
child. It is up to the parents, especially the mother, to provide
them. The mother is responsible for the child's being good or
wayward. Mothers can reduce delinquency!
Many parents try to keep their married children under their
control. They do not give due freedom to them and tend to interfere
with a young married couple's life. When parents try to control
their married son or married daughter and want them to follow their
way of life strictly, this will create a lot bf misunderstanding
between the two generations as well as unhappiness between the
couple. Parents may be doing it in good faith due to love and
attachment towards the children, but in so doing, they are inviting
more problems to themselves and to the children.
Parents must allow their children to shoulder the
responsibilities of their own lives and families. For example: if
some seeds are dropped under a tree, plants might grow after
sometime. But if you want those plants to grow healthy and
independent you must transplant them to open ground somewhere else
to grow separately, so that they are not hampered by the shade of
the parent tree.
Parents should not neglect the ancient wisdom based on advice
given by religious teachers, wise people and elders who have
developed a knowledge of the world through their own trial and
errors.
Divorce is a controversial issue among the followers of
different religions. Some people believe that marriage is already
recorded in heaven, thus it is not right to grant a divorce. But,
if a husband and wife really cannot live together, instead of
leading a miserable life and harbouring more jealousy, anger and
hatred, they should have the liberty to separate and live
peacefully.
However, the separation of the couple must be done in an
atmosphere of understanding by adopting reasonable solutions and
not by creating more hatred. If a couple has children, they should
try to make the divorce less traumatic for the children and help
them to adjust to the new situation. And it is most important to
ensure that their future and welfare will be taken care of. It is
an inhuman attitude if the couple desert their children and allow
them to lead a miserable life.
In Buddhism, there is no law stating that a husband and wife
should not be separated if they cannot live together harmoniously.
But, if people follow the advice given by the Buddha to fulfill
their duties towards each other, then, such unfortunate occurrences
like divorce or separation will never happen in the first
place.
In the past, where religious values were highly respected, there
were greater efforts on the part of married couples - in the east
as well as in west -to reach an amicable understanding to develop
happy relationships based on respect, love, and regard for one
another. Couples developed and made their marriages an important
feature which they cherished in their hearts. Divorce cases were
very rare, and were considered a disgrace because they indicated
the selfishness of one party or the other.
It is a fact that until recently divorce cases were still rather
rare in Buddhist countries. This is mainly because couples
considered their duties and obligations towards each other, and
also basically divorce is not approved by the community as a whole.
In many cases, when married couples were in trouble, the community
elders usually rallied round and played an important role to
improve the situation.
Unfortunately, in the modern society of today, divorce has
become such a common practice. 1n certain countries it has even
become fashionable. Instead of regarding divorce as shameful or a
failure -to order their lives, sortie young couples seem to be
proud of it. The main cause of the failure in marriage in modern
society is the abuse of freedom and too much independence and
individualism on the- part of the partners. There must be a limit
to their independent lives, or else both husband and wife will go
astray very easily.
To the question of whether Buddhists can keep more than one
wife, the direct answer is not available in the Buddha's teaching,
because as mentioned earlier, the Buddha did not lay down any
religious laws with regard to married life although he has given
valuable advice on how to lead a respectable married life.
Tradition, culture and the way of life as recognised by the
majority of a particular country must also be considered when we
practise certain things pertaining to our lives. Some religions say
that a man can have only one wife whilst others say a man can have
more than one wife.
Although the Buddha did not mention anything regarding the
number of wives a man could have, he explicitly mentioned in His
discourses that should a married man go to another woman out of
wedlock, that could become the cause of his own downfall and he
would have to face numerous other problems and disturbances.
The Buddha's way of teaching is just to explain the situation
and the consequences. People can think for themselves as to why
certain things are good and certain things are bad. The Buddha did
not lay down rules about how many wives a man should or should not
have which people are forced to follow. However, if the laws of a
country stipulate that marriages must be monogamous, then such laws
must be complied with, because the Buddha was explicit about His
followers respecting the laws of a country, if those laws were
beneficial to all.
Some religions are not in favour of family planning. Buddhism
does not interfere in this personal choice. Man is at liberty to
follow any method in order to prevent conception. According to
Buddhism, certain physical and mental conditions must be present
for conception to take place. When any one of these conditions is
absent (like when family planning is being practised), no
conception takes place, therefore a life does not come into being.
But after conception, abortion is NOT acceptable in Buddhism
because it means taking away a life that is already present in the
form of foetus.
Some people are interested in the moral implication or religious
attitude with regard to test-tube babies. If a woman is unable to
conceive a baby in the normal way, and if she is anxious to have a
baby by adopting modern medical methods, there is no ground in
Buddhism to say that it is either immoral or irreligious. Religions
must give due credit to man's intelligence and to accommodate new
medical discoveries if they are harmless and beneficial to mankind.
As was mentioned earlier, so long as the conditions are right,
conception can be allowed to take place, naturally or
artificially.
Premarital sex is a problem which is much discussed in modern
society. Many young people would like to know the opinion regarding
this sensitive issue. Some religionists say it can be considered as
committing adultery, while others say it is immoral and
unjustifiable.
In the past, young boys and girls were not allowed by their
parents to move around freely until they were married. Their
marriages were also arranged and organised by the parents. Of
course, this did cause unhappiness in some cases when parents chose
partners on the basis of money, social status, family obligations
and related issues. But generally, the majority of parents did try
very hard to choose partners who would be acceptable to their
children.
Today, young people are at the liberty to go out and find their
own partners. They have a lot of freedom and independence in their
lives. This is not a bad thing in itself, but some of these people
are just too young and too immature to see the difference between
sexual attraction and true compatibility. That is why the problem
of premarital sex arises.
Too much laxity in matters concerning sex has also given rise to
social problems in modern society. The sad part is that some
societies do not express liberal attitudes towards unmarried
mothers, illegitimate children and the divorcees while they are
quite liberal about free sex. As a result, young people are being
punished by the same society which encourages free mixing of the
sexes. They become social outcasts and suffer much shame and
humiliation. Many young girls have become victims of their own
freedom and have ruined their future by violating age-old
traditions which were valued in the east as well as in the
west.
Pre-marital sex is a modern development which has come about as
a result of excessive social freedom prevalent amongst present day
young people. Whilst Buddhism holds no strong views either for or
against such action, it is thought that all Buddhists, particularly
people of both sexes in love and contemplating marriage, should
adhere to the age-old traditional concept that they maintain
chastity until the nuptial date. The human mind is unstable and
forever changing with the result that and' illicit action or
indiscretion may cause undue harm to either party if the legal
marriage does not take place as expected. It must be remembered
that any form of sexual indulgence before a proper marriage is
solemnised will be looked down upon by the elders who are the
guardians of the young people.
Laymen are advised in the Buddha's Teaching to avoid sexual
misconduct. That means, if one wants to experience sex, he must do
so without creating any violence or by using any kind of force,
threat, or causing fear. A decent sex life which respects the other
partner is not against this religion; it accepts the fact that it
is a necessity for those who are not yet ready to renounce the
worldly life.
According to Buddhism, those who are involved in extra-marital
sex with someone who is already married, who has been betrothed to
someone else, and also with those who are under the protection of
their parents or guardians are said to be guilty of sexual
misconduct, because there is a rupture of social norms, where a
third party is being made to suffer as a result of the selfishness
of one or the other partner.
The Buddha also mentioned the consequences that an elderly man
would have to face if he married without considering the
compatibility of age of the other party. According to the Buddha,
irresponsible sexual behaviour can become the cause of one's
downfall in many aspects of life.
All the nations of the world have clearly defined laws
concerning the abuse of sex. Here again, Buddhism advocates that a
person must respect and obey the law of the country if the laws are
made for the common good.
The following are extracts from a book by the celebrated
Japanese author - Dr. Nikkyo Niwano. In his book "The Richer Life",
Dr. Niwano deals with matters relating to love and marriage, both
from the Eastern and Western points of view.
"In the West, marriage on the basis of romantic love has often
been considered natural and sometimes ideal. In Asia, in recent
years, the number of young people who abandon the traditional
arranged marriage and select partners out of romantic consideration
has been growing. But in some cases, romantic marriages lead to
separation and unhappiness within a short time, whereas the
arranged marriage often produces a couple who live and work
together in contentment and happiness.
"In spite of its emotional appeal, all romantic marriages cannot
be called unqualified successes. Romantic love is like the bright
flame of a wood fire that leaps up and burns clear, but lasts only
a short time. Love between man and wife burns quietly and slowly
like the warming fire of burning coal. Of course, bright flaming
love can - and ideally ought to - eventually become the calm,
enduring fire of mature affection. But too often the flame of
romantic love is quickly extinguished, leaving nothing but ashes,
which are a poor foundation for a successful married life!
"Young people in love think of nothing but their emotions. They
see themselves only in the light of the feeling of the moment.
Everything they think and do is romantic and has little bearing on
the practical affairs of the life they must lead after marriage. If
the lovers are fortunate enough to have compatible personalities,
to have sound and similar ideas about life, to share interests, to
enjoy harmonious family relations on both sides and to be
financially secure even after the first passion has calmed down,
they will still have a basis for a good life together. If they are
not so blessed, they may face marital failure.
"When the time of dates, emotional pictures, dances, and parties
has passed, the young married couples will have to live together,
share meals, and reveal to each other their defects as well as
their merits. They will have to spend more than half of their life
each day together; this kind of living makes demands that are
different from the less exacting needs of dating and first
love.
"Family relations become very important in married life. It is
necessary to think about the personalities of the mother and father
of the prospective marriage partner. Young people sometimes think
that the strength of their love will enable them to get along well
with the most quarrelsome, difficult in-laws; but this is not
always true. In short, romance is a matter of a limited time and
does not become rooted in actualities and must be regulated to
conform to the needs of work and environment in order to bind the
couple together in lasting devotion. The two kinds of love are
different. To mistake one for the other invites grave trouble.
"Giving serious, dispassionate thought to the nature of the
person one contemplates marrying, lessens the likelihood of
failure. To prevent romance from vanishing after marriage, mutual
understanding between the couple is indispensable. But the
percentage of successful marriages is higher among young people
whose choice of a partner agrees with the opinions of their
parents. To live peacefully, it is necessary to realize the
difference between romance and married love."
Celibacy is refraining from the pleasure of sexual activity.
Some critics of Buddhism say that The Teaching goes against Nature
and they claim that sex life is natural and therefore
necessary.
Buddhism is not against sex, it is a natural sensual pleasure
and very much a part of the worldly life. One may ask, why then did
the Buddha advocate celibacy as a precept? Is it not unfair and
against Nature? Well, the observance of celibacy for spiritual
development was not a new religious precept at the time of the
Buddha. All the other existing religions in India at that time also
had introduced this practice. Even today, some other religionists,
like the Hindus and Catholics do observe this as a vow.
Buddhists who have renounced the worldly life voluntarily
observe this precept because they are fully aware of the
commitments and disturbances which come along if one commits
oneself to the life of a family person. The married life can affect
or curtail spiritual development when craving for sex and
attachment occupies the mind and temptation eclipses the peace and
purity of the mind.
People tend to ask, "If the Buddha did not preach against
married life, why then did He advocate celibacy as one of the
important precepts to be observed and why did He advise people to
avoid sex and renounce the worldly life?"
One must remember that renunciation is not compulsory in
Buddhism. It is not obligatory to renounce the worldly life totally
in order to practise Buddhism. You can adjust your way of life
according to your understanding by practising certain religious
principles and qualities. You can develop your religious principles
according to the needs of a lay life. However, when you have
progressed and attained greater wisdom and realise that the
layman's way of life is not conducive for the ultimate development
of SPIRITUAL VIRTUES and PURIFICATION of the
MIND, you may choose to renounce the worldly life and
concentrate more on spiritual development.
The Buddha recommended celibacy because sex and marriage are not
conducive to ultimate peace and purity of the mind, and
renunciation is necessary if one wishes to gain spiritual
development and perfection at the highest level. But this
renunciation should come naturally, and must never be
FORCED. Renunciation should come through a complete
understanding of the illusory nature of the self, of the
unsatisfactory nature of all sense pleasures.
The Buddha experienced his worldly life as a prince, husband and
a father before his Renunciation and he knew what married life
entailed. People may question the Buddha's renunciation by saying
that he was selfish and cruel and that it was not fair for him to
desert his wife and child. In actual fact, the Buddha did not
desert his family without a sense of responsibility.
He never had any misunderstanding with his wife. He too had the
same love and attachment towards his wife and child as any normal
man would have, perhaps even greater. The difference was that his
love was not mere physical and selfish love, he had the courage and
understanding to detach that emotional and selfish love for a good
cause. His sacrifice is considered all the more noble because he
set aside his personal needs and desires in order to SERVE ALL
OF MANKIND FOR ALL TIME.
The main aim of his renunciation was not only for his own
happiness, peace or salvation but for the sake of MANKIND.
Had he remained in the royal palace, his service would have been
confined to only his own family or his kingdom. That was why he
decided to renounce everything in order to maintain peace and
purity to gain Enlightenment and then to enlighten others who were
suffering in ignorance.
One of the Buddha's earliest tasks after gaining his
Enlightenment was to return to his palace to enlighten the members
of his family. In fact, when his young son, Rahula asked the Buddha
for his inheritance, the Buddha said that Rahula was heir to the
richest wealth, the treasure of the Dhamma. In this way, the Buddha
served his family, and he paved the way for their salvation, peace
and happiness. Therefore, no one can say that the Buddha was a
cruel or selfish father. He was in fact more compassionate and
self-sacrificing than anybody else. With his high degree of
spiritual development, the Buddha knew that marriage was a
temporary phase while Enlightenment was eternal and for the good of
ALL MANKIND.
Another important fact was that the Buddha knew that his wife
and son would not starve in his absence. During the time of the
Buddha it was considered quite normal and honourable for a young
man to retire from the life of a householder. Other members of the
family would willingly look after his dependents. When he gained
his enlightenment, he was able to give them something no other
father could give -the freedom from slavery to attachment.
Marriage is a partnership of two individuals and this
partnership is enriched and enhanced when it allows the
personalities involved to grow. Many marriages fail because one
partner tries to "swallow" another or when one demands total
freedom. According to Buddhism, marriage means understanding and
respecting each other's belief and privacy. A successful marriage
is always a two-way path: "humpy, bumpy", it is difficult but it is
always a mutual path.
Young people in this country and elsewhere sometimes think that
"old fashioned ideas" are not relevant to modern society. They
should be reminded that there are some eternal truths which can
never become out-of-date. What was true during the time of Buddha
still remains true today.
The so-called modern ideas we receive through the highly
glamourous television programmes do not represent the way most
decent people in the west think or behave. There is a vast "silent
majority" of decent couples who are as deeply religious and
"conservative" about marriage as any Eastern couple. They do not
behave in the manner that the mass media has portrayed them. Not
all the people in the west run off to get a divorce or abortion
after their first quarrel or dispute.
Decent people all over the world are the same; they are
unselfish and care deeply about those whom they love. They make
enormous sacrifices and develop love and understanding to ensure
happy and stable marriages. So, if you want to ape the west ape the
"silent majority": they are no different from your decent neighbour
who lives next door to you.
Young people must also listen to their elders because their own
understanding about married life is not mature. They should not
make hasty conclusions regarding marriages and divorces. They must
have a lot of patience, tolerance and mutual understanding.
Otherwise, their li