Is marriage a kind of attachment from the Buddhist point of
view?
I searched and found my own topic about Buddhist views on
marriage (http://www.sgforums.com/forums/1728/topics/290003).
But with rapid changes in attitudes towards boy-girl relationships
and marriage, I feel I need to take in fresh input and review what
I've learned since the time I started that topic.
If marriage is a kind of attachment from the Buddhist point of
view, then I shouldn't get married. Saying that it's my choice is
just playing safe and doesn't help much in the process of an
in-depth analysis of an important life decision.
I have seen and heard so many marriages or serious dating
relationships around me break apart; For married couples, most have
either broken down in terms of legal separation or being
emotionally indifferent to each other until they too one day file
for legal separation, etc. One of them being my distant
relative.
Both national and worldwide statistics on divorce rates are
high, year on year.
People are getting more and more intolerant of one another, but
for the sake of appearing civilized, mature or emotionally
resilient etc, we put on a facade of being totally calm and
unaffected.
Personally, I have come to see marriage as a kind of attachment
from my limited understanding of Buddhist concept and
interpretation of attachment.
Why do you need someone in the form of a spouse to so-called
love, take care of or stay together with?
Does that mean that I cannot love someone as a fellow human
being if she's not my wife or my girlfriend?
Does that mean that I can't or won't be happy for the rest of my
life if I'm not married or happen to be just divorced?
I have read both A Happy Married Life - a Buddhist Perspective
and Sigalovada Sutta.
Here's an extract from A Happy Married Life:
In advising women about their role in married life, the
Buddha appreciated that the peace and harmony of a home rested
largely on a woman. His advice was realistic and practical
when he explained a good number of day-to-day characteristics which
a woman should or should not cultivate. On diverse occasions, the
Buddha counseled that a wife should:
The Buddha, in reply to a householder as to how a husband should
minister to his wife declared that the husband should always honor
and respect his wife, by being faithful to her, by giving her the
requisite authority to manage domestic affairs and by giving her
befitting ornaments. This advice, given over twenty five centuries
ago, still stands good for today.
Knowing the psychology of the man who tends to consider himself
superior, the Buddha made a remarkable change and uplifted the
status of a woman by a simple suggestion that a husband should
honor and respect his wife.
A husband should be faithful to his wife, which means that a
husband should fulfill and maintain his marital obligations to his
wife thus sustaining the confidence in the marital relationship in
every sense of the word.
The husband, being a bread-winner, would invariably stay away
from home, hence he should entrust the domestic or household duties
to the wife who should be considered as the keeper and the
distributor of the property and the home
economic-administrator.
The provision of befitting ornaments to the wife should be
symbolic of the husband's love, care and attention showered on the
wife. This symbolic practice has been carried out from time
immemorial in Buddhist communities.
Unfortunately it is in danger of dying out because of the
influence of modern civilization.
Today's career woman would or might baulk at the above advice by
the Buddha as being outdated or chauvinistic. Especially the
sentence 'the Buddha appreciated that the peace and harmony
of a home rested largely on a woman'.
Another common fact of life is that most couples around us are
working adults; very few men are breadwinners now. In addition,
husbands are now required to help out with domestic chores and
household finances.
So how do we apply the Buddha's advice in the modern
context?
Now let's go on to the point about the Buddha appreciating that
a woman plays a much more important role (than the man if I may
assume) in maintainng the peace and harmony of a home.
Although 11 guidelines for the behaviour of a wife were laid
down for diverse occasions, I wonder how many modern working and
married women today can really observe well the following 5 out of
the 11:
I think the first and last guideline can be perceived as being
the more difficult ones for most modern working and married
women.
They can be very assertive (to the point of 'unknowingly'
entering the territory of being domineering or harsh) on household
responsibilities and how their husbands should show their love for
them.
Some would think, "I marry this man to be my equal partner and
for him to love me, not for me to love and protect him like my son!
Anyway I don't want to have kids. If he wants me to treat him with
motherly love, he might as well stay unmarried with his
mother!"
Any wise married Buddhist men to give me modern, insightful and
practical perspectives on my concerns? Or any Buddhists who share
similar concerns?