NOTE: The following is by a young man, now inching
into his mid twenties, whose Awakening experience at age seventeen
--- as described by him ---transpired almost entirely through
offerings of the internet. What he presents within the contents of
the paper offers interesting insights into the overall modern
Enlightenment experience, and thus then perhaps, will be of
interest to ALL seekers along the path, but especially so those
whose computers are a personal choice for garnering information on
Zen, spirituality, and the Awakening process. In that the author
has since taken the page down from general internet access, through
courtesy to him, within what is offered here, he will remain
anonymous. All personal references have thus been
removed.
Although not widely known, Enlightenment through similar means as
cited above and presented in full below is not totally unheard of.
Many, many years before the advancement of computers and the
invention of the internet there was an American of great spiritual
Attainment by the name of Alfred
Pulyan that reached a great number of people
almost exclusively through a mail order following. People that came
to hear about him would write hoping for insight into what one
could do to Awaken to the Absolute, and Pulyan would respond,
asking for no more than a stamped self-addressed envelope. He
claimed to have a 70% success rate, more than ten times higher than
the ancient Zen masters --- and all done through mail
order.
the
Wanderling
The Childhood Years
I was born in a small town in 1983. My parents divorced when I was
two years old, but thankfully, both my parents were sensible enough
people who were able to communicate at a civilized level and they
agreed to share custody. Since I never knew any alternative to
this, it never really bothered me.
Although my family was not religious (though not atheist either), I
had always had a spiritual 'touch', in the sense that ever since I
was a small child I had a desire to look for 'that which was
greater than me.' That 'looking' manifested itself in a great love
for nature, while also stirring up a nearly unquenchable interest
in the supernatural and mysterious. I always had the feeling that I
was different in the sense that I felt where others might think
pursuing spiritual and mystical matters with their heart and soul
was an intriguing 'idea', this was something that I considered a
very real opportunity in my life.
Other than that continuing feeling that there somehow had to be
more to life, I had an ordinary happy childhood. I surely wasn't
dissatisfied with my life in any way, I just wanted to go deeper. I
had always believed that there had to be some ultimate reality that
could be realized.
When I was 14 years old I discovered Buddhism for the very first
time. The appeal was instant. Here was someone, Shakyamuni
Buddha, whom I felt must have penetrated to
true understanding and had found real inner peace. And they, the
Buddha's followers, had laid out a path for others to follow.
Buddhism seemed reasonable in every way regarding its approach to
the world, and yet deeply mystical, beyond the ordinary world so to
speak. Particularly the Tibetan Masters appealed to me, as I saw
their supernatural powers called Siddhis as an expression of having
found true Enlightenment. After a few weeks of intense study of
Buddhism I was pouring through a book about Buddhism in general
when I came across a small section about a Japanese branch of
Buddhism called Zen, where monks
had to face inhumane hard labour every day, and when not working
they would be meditating at least six hours a day. Furthermore,
there was no seeming logic in the Zen philosophy. Zen masters were
known to harass their students to the extreme, hitting them
completely unexpected and were generally not above making their
students' lives a living hell. This might not sound very appealing,
but I was intrigued. What little impression I had of Zen was as a
mysterious and arcane monk order (the name alone was incredibly
alluring!). Unlike the somewhat failed attempts among new-agers to
resurrect arcane and ancient traditions, this was a tradition that
had actually stayed alive throughout the millennia. Thus I
concluded that this would not be possible if there wasn't something
to it. Zen, I felt, transcended all logic and thus they had to have
found something beyond. I felt assured that if someone had somehow
discovered ultimate truth, it had to be a Zen Master. I was
convinced that Zen was the right way for me.
The Spiritual Quest Begins
It was not until about a year-and-a-half later, at the age of
sixteen, that I actually did anything about it. My mother had
recently got internet access at home. One day, I decided to search
for a Zen newsgroup and subsribed to one. As I begun to explore Zen
through interaction with other Zennists (I still didn't understand
Zen, nor do I think those I talked with did), after just four days
of posting to the newsgroup, I had my first insight experience.
Although the insight in itself was rather insignificant (I had
simply realized that all things are interdependedly connected -
cause and effect) it proved to me that there was indeed something
to Zen. From that point on, I never had any doubt that I would one
day be Enlightened, which was unquestionably a factor that
contributed much to my eventual Awakening. This was the first major
turning point in my spiritual search.
I had many small insight experiences after that, none of which I
can remember now, and generally just tried to practise as openly
and honestly as possible. I was never much good at meditating. I
tried at times, my posture was good and rarely caused me problems,
but I never managed to establish a regular habit of sitting and
thus never managed to make my mind one-pointed in meditation
either. The closest thing I ever came to establishing actual
concentration was when meditating upon metta
(lovingkindness/compassion), which is something I still have a
fondness for.
One could very well say that I am a child of the Cyber-Sangha. I
have never actually met another Buddhist or spiritual seeker in my
real life (at least not that I am aware of), but fortunately I have
met many on the internet. Some were Enlightened, some were not, but
all of them helped me in one way or another. Looking back, I can
see just how tremendously beneficial it was to have friends on the
path, to spur me onwards, and to help me look deeper into myself
and what I considered to be 'me'. The newsgroups I subscribed to
enabled me to engage in conversations about the path and to
challenge my own views, uprooting many attachments to my own ideas
and beliefs. It was not always beneficial (there were many times I
was being misguided), but the friends I have gained from posting to
these newsgroups are all people who have contributed much to my
progress and whom I am deeply grateful for meeting, as I have
gained much from their experience. The internet was also my prime
source for reading, as my local library only had very few books on
Buddhism. Thus I was fortunate that so many Buddhist teachings
existed on the internet.
The Point of No Return
The second turning point came over a year later, around October
2000, when I had a small insight into the nature of perception or
(mental) images. This insight gradually expanded over the next
month until I saw the nature of perception quite clearly. This
insight was much clearer than anything else before that, and
moreover, it was something I could actually use in my daily
practise. Over the next couple of months I would be aware of my own
attachment to perception in almost any daily situation. Whether it
was regarding my own feelings towards things in my life, or
something as simple as drying myself with the towel, I found
attachment to self, I was clinging to an image, even if it were
something as trivial as the habitual image of drying myself with a
towel. That particular insight had become like a sword with which I
would sever attachments of all kinds in my life. It was this
insight, and the cultivation born of it, that set me on a path
which could only go one way and would eventually trigger my
awakening four months later. Around December, I also discovered the
Platform Sutra of
Hui
Neng the Sixth Patriarch of Zen. The first time
I read it, I was alarmed, as the teachings it contained didn't
accord with my own understanding at all. I chose to disregard my
own understanding though and read it again. During those months, I
read it very often and grew more and more fond of it. I did not try
to understand the scripture conceptually, but studying that
scripture helped my understanding grow immensely at the
time.
After months of letting go of so many attachments to images of
myself and others, it finally triggered what I would say was the
strongest insight experience I had ever had, as it hit me with
surprising impact and clarity, which could be said to be my third
turning point on the path. It happened just before the new year. I
was merely washing the dishes when I realized that everything I
experienced was mind. There was no 'out there' to be experienced;
only mind. It was all mind, and mind was vaster than the sky
itself. It felt as if I was walking around in an infinite bubble
that expanded in all directions. I still clung to the dualistic
notions between 'me' and mind. It was as if there was mind all
around me, and me experiencing that mind. Nonetheless, it was a
good incentive to be more aware as I got a real kick out of
perceiving a mind vaster than the sky. I felt that Enlightenment
could not be far away. It wasn't.
Buddhist Enlightenment and the
Internet
(please click)
Just after the new year, I met my teacher via the
internet. It did not have much impact on my
progress, as his instructions merely affirmed the way my own
practise had developed, primarily thanks to my studies of the
Platform Sutra.
Nonetheless, it was reassuring to know that there was
someone there whom I could rely on to point me in the right
direction and alert me when I was heading in the wrong
direction.[1]
Sometime around mid-February I began to realize that true
realization couldn't be found in the world of cause and effect,
that I had to somehow transcend conditioned existence before I make
progress. It was as if I was stuck in between. Everything around me
seemed absolutely futile. I wasn't really depressed, but rather
left with the impression of total futility of the world. It didn't
matter what I did or what I practised. It was all bound by
conditioned existence, yet I knew that I had to go beyond all
conditioned existence. Yet how do you make the transition between
conditioned and unconditioned existence? I felt out of tune with
myself and everything around me. Yet I knew that this true mind I
was searching for could never be found apart from conditioned
existence; that this life was all there was. It couldn't be found
in conditioned existence, yet not apart from it either. I had
realized completely was Enlightenment was not, yet my mind was not
yet ready to harvest the fruits of true Enlightenment.
On February the 25th, I broke through the barrier. I was walking
home alongside a lake as usually, when I discovered my true self,
and that it had always been with me. Because it had always been
with me, it didn't really change anything. In fact nothing changed.
Because nothing changed, there was no reason to respond to
anything, and I walked on as if nothing had happened, entirely
undisturbed by what had just been revealed to me.
I cannot pinpoint anything concrete that could have triggered this
event. Rather, it was a sudden consequence of something that had
happened gradually over a long period of time, namely the falling
away of my attachments to 'me' and everything that comes along with
that, such as views, concepts, beliefs etc.
The Discovery
I will now try to describe as accurately as possible that which I
discovered on that day and which became much clearer to me in the
months that followed. Basically, what I discovered cannot be said
to be anything. There is absolutely nothing that can distinguish it
any way, so trying to describe it is useless really. It is forever
indescribable.
Nonetheless, there is a conditioned existence which can be
distinguished and when one puts It in relation to this conditioned
existence, it is possible to give a description of what it is
not. It is not possible to give a positive description of
it, yet the via negativia description is not true either.
It should be understood that it is not an actual description, but
rather a negation in relation to conditioned existence.
I discovered that nothing that can be distinguished as being
anything is really me. Everything that is conditioned, subjected to
cause and effect and thus impermanent, is not who I really am. That
all the thoughts, feelings and views that we harbour have nothing
to do with me. Even my body is not really me. There is no 'I'. No
one to feel, no one to think or act. All of this happens
independently of me, yet not apart from me. The 'I' as such is
nothing more than a set of ideas, thoughts and views which are
being continuously sustained by dwelling on them and holding on to
them as real. Once the false 'I' is seen through, the true self
manifests.
My true self is awareness or consciousness, but not as you think of
it. What I discovered was that my awareness is not bound by
anything at all. I call it the Unconditioned or Essence of Mind.
What I mean by Essence of Mind is that when you take everything in
the mind and strip away, then there is just this, the essence,
left.
It is not bound by space, so it could be called infinite, yet this
is not really true as it cannot really be said to have any spatial
limits even if this limit is infinity. Thus my true self expands
everywhere in all directions, yet it is nowhere to be
found.
It is not bound by time, so it could be called eternal, yet this is
not really true either, as it is utterly beyond any time limits
even if this limit is eternity. My true self was never born, never
ages and never dies. Yet to say that I will live for eternity is
not true either, as it is utterly beyond time. Perhaps the closest
thing would be to say that there is just this utterly unchanging
moment, yet this also fails to hit the mark as it could imply that
it is static which it is not. It is beyond static and moving. Thus
before the world was, I
AM. Not before the world, I was, but
before the world, I AM. See Dharmadhatu.
It is not bound by any conditioned phenomena (which constitutes all
of existence - the entire universe). Since all conditioned
phenomena are in a constant state of flux, the Unconditioned could
be said to be unmoving, yet this is not really true since it
implies something static. Let it be understood that it merely does
not participate in the flux of conditioned existence, and this
absence of flux is called unmoving.
Since it is not bound by any phenomena, it is not bound by the
senses either. There are no sounds in the Unconditioned, so it
could be said to be silent, yet this isn't really true either.
Rather, it is the absence of sound and silence. It cannot be seen,
heard, smelled, felt, tasted or cognised about in any way. Rather,
your true self is that which cognises, smells, tastes, feels, hears
and sees. Yet this is not entirely true either as this could imply
that there is a self experiencing this, and thus bound by the
senses. Rather, there is just this awareness of the
senses.
It is not dual in any way. Thus it could be said to be non-dual,
yet this isn't really true either. Rather, it is neither dual nor
non-dual. In actuality, the only thing that creates dualistic
notions such as good/bad, here/there and subject/object is your
thoughts. Thoughts is that which separates. Thus whenever
you are bound by thoughts, you are separated from that which
is, and true freedom cannot be found. Thus thoughts will never
be able to capture your true self. True freedom means that
everything merely is as it is. There is no trying to add
or take anything, indulgence or rejection, or perhaps more
accurately: There is no 'should'. Only when you are capable of
giving up all ideas of anything that 'should' be in any way,
including the tendency to think 'should', only then can you truly
be free. Even the thought that 'should' should not be there means
you are bound. True non-'shouldness' means taking in both 'should'
and the absence of 'should' and let everything, even your
'shoulds', be as it is. As long as you are bound by any mental
state whatsoever, your true Unconditioned awareness cannot
manifest. If your true self can be said to be any mental state, it
is the state of no state at all.
Since it is not bound by time or movement it any way, it is always
present. Even though you may not realise it, and you are constantly
pulled around by your thoughts and views, your true self remains
utterly unmoving. Nothing can affect it. Therefore, once you
discover your true self, nothing changes at all. If anything
changes it is merely that you are now aware of the fact that things
are as they are, and that it has always been so. There is
nothing to be realised.
Since it is this true ground of reality and there is nothing
further beyond this, it could be said to be 'ultimate'. But since
it is always present in all things (and always has been), it would
mean that everything is ultimate. Since there is nothing for which
the ultimate can stand in contradistinction against, what is the
point of labeling it such?
Some people may perceive all of this as something deeply mysterious
beyond the scope of their own capacities. It is not. It is simple
and plain living, and nothing mysterious about it. Do not imagine
that this unconditioned awareness is somehow apart from the world
and daily life. On the contrary, it could be said that one is even
more closer to life than ever before, because there is no
separation between you and the world. When caught up in dualism,
one creates the illusion of someone being aware (subject) and
something to be aware of (object). Yet there is just this
awareness, there is nothing to be aware of. Conditioned phenomena
are not apart from awareness in any way, yet they not really
awareness either.
Perhaps the best way to describe this is to use the analogy of a
mirror, the unconditioned awareness being the mirror and
conditioned phenomena beings images reflected in the mirror. The
mirror doesn't change because reflections arise. It does not dwell
upon the reflections, yet the reflections exists nowhere apart from
the mirror. The are the mirror, yet the mirror isn't the
reflections.
This is as exact as I can possibly describe this discovery, yet it
still misses the mark. The only way to truly know is to experience
it for yourself. I hope you do someday.
What Happened Afterwards
In the first months just after the Awakening I struggled with a lot
of my past views and concepts as they conflicted with the reality
of being, mainly my concepts of what I had thought Enlightenment
was previously. Especially for the first few weeks, I kept thinking
things like "I am Enlightened now. I should know this!", whenever I
came across ignorance or delusion. What was even worse was that I
had attached to my Awakening and turned it into an object, when in
fact it is a continual living experience. I looked only at the
understanding derived from this awakening and felt that this was
it. Little did I know that understanding truth is useless if you
are not actually being truth, being your understanding,
rather than turning it into an object and thus separating truth
from yourself. I stopped practising for the first couple of weeks
and made no attempts to do anything spiritually at all. I had found
'It' and in my pride I figured that this was all that was
needed.
As time progressed, it became obvious to me that I wasn't
omniscient and that I still needed to practise, even though it had
now become a 'non-practise' so to speak. Realizing Enlightenment
was one thing: Being Enlightenment is another.
My daily spiritual practise basically changed from being aware to
being awareness. To be aware implies that there is
something to be aware of (object) and someone being aware (subject)
Since there is intrinsically no 'I' to be aware, what is the point
of being aware? Rather it is about just being who you really are,
just being awareness. What I meant when I said 'non-practise' means
simply not doing anything at all, although it should be noted that
this does not mean abstaining from doing and just being a useless
block. Whenever one takes part actively with the conditioned, one
creates volition and sustains the mental baggage one is carrying
around. Instead, it is to simply be your unconditioned awareness,
and let the process of conditioning take care of itself. Thoughts
arise and thoughts are liberated as they arise, simply because one
allows all things to be as they are, without any 'should' involved;
no giving or taking, no indulgence or rejection, nor abstaining
from giving/taking and indulgence/rejection. Everything is allowed
to be as it is. Since one does not abstain from the thought
process, it is still functional living, as one is more than capable
of interacting with the world around you. Probably even more
functionally than before since one does not get caught up in the
thought process, nor the external circumstances to which the
thoughts responds. Both happen and arise, yet since there is no
thinker, the thoughts simply arise in response to external
circumstances and fall away when there is no longer anything
externally to cause the reactionary thought.
Up to this point (and it still is), my practise has revolved mostly
around settling in the Enlightenment. Firstly, since that initial
Awakening, the insight derived from this has become a lot clearer
and settled as past concepts and views has simply fallen away, thus
letting the insight penetrate into more and more aspects of being
so to speak. The other aspect, which cannot really be separated
from the first, is to integrate your awareness more and more into
life, growing accustomed to just being your true self. The reason
that this cannot be separated from the first is that this is also
just letting your true self, which is truth itself, integrate more
and more into the various aspects of being. When I say aspects of
being, I am talking about division, which are divisions created
from my own mental formations, thus it simply means allowing the
divisions that we have created for ourselves to fall away so that
truth itself can penetrate and liberate.
It is exactly because we have created and nurtured such divisions
over such a long period of time, that Enlightenment does not
instantly pervade your whole being and all obstructions
instantaneously fall away. Thus there are still many delusions,
defilements and sufferings left after Awakening. Once Enlightened,
I had seen what truth really is, yet I still have to integrate this
into my whole life and being and let those divisions fall away,
before there can be true unconditional unending freedom. It has
always been there with me, it is just a question of uncovering
it.
In early June 2001, I decided to help a good friend of mine on the
path of truth, after not having spoken with him for many months. He
needed guidance on the path, and since I had discovered the way
myself, I figured that I might help him, by pointing him in the
right direction. He accepts my guidance and I talk with him often,
giving him pointers on the path. I talked with my own teacher and
he told me that at my current stage, guiding others would be highly
beneficial. I can see what he means, but I am no teacher. At the
moment, I am still involved in the process of 'settling' and that
is really all that I would want to concern myself at the moment.
It's not that I mind at all, I am more than happy to help out a
friend who needs it, but this is very much the exception to the
rule (not that I mind helping others on the path either. I just
have no interest in teaching them). Maybe one day I will begin
teaching (some ten or twenty years from now), but not now.
The Awakening I had was only simply an initial one, not
total and complete insight into the nature of all reality.[2] I still have much to learn, most
importantly, learning to settle in just being. And that is all I am
really doing at the moment.