Patience is the main antidote to anger. As common wisdom says:
just count to 100... During this time, any of the below methods can
be effective. The most effective method will depend on the actual
situation. Especially in our age of rush and intense change,
patience may not be seen as a positive quality, but take a minute
to think impatience can easily give rise to a general feeling of
anger.
Patience is like a beautiful ornament. When you become a person
with great patience, it brings a certain element of charm to your
life. You are loved by others, and you give no problems to your
friends. You bring an element of joy, happiness, and calmness to
other people's lives - your friends, your family, and the
community. You do not have to ask to be accepted; everyone longs
for your presence. Everyone looks up to you and respects you, not
because you have worked for that or expected it, not because you
were competing for their favor, but simply because of the nature of
patience. You are respected and trusted, and you acquire dignity
with the practice of patience. When you are honored, it is with
sincerity, and it is something you can live up to.
...Just hearing about patience does not mean you are
experiencing it now or will easily develop it. To lay the ground
for training the mind, you must first tame the mind. To tame the
mind, it is extremely important to do the basic shamata
[tranquility meditation, calm abiding] practice, which develops
calmness and tranquility. Then you can add the practice of
patience, understanding the benefits of patience and reminding
yourself to take advantage of the available antidotes.
From
Dharma Paths by Ven. Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche
Below is a summary of various approaches to anger. They
obviously will be most efficient when used with a calm and
concentrated mind, either during meditation or at the moment you
realize that something needs to be done about your anger.
Obviously, the problem during an actual difficult situation is to
have a calm and concentrated mind - a regular meditation practice
can be of great help then! One of the best ways to really make
progress with understanding and changing the functioning of our own
mind is to try out analytical meditation, combined with these
clues, see also
Meditation on Anger.
ANTIDOTE 1 - Patience.
Patience is the main antidote to anger. As common wisdom says: just
count to 100... During this time, any of the below methods can be
effective. The most effective method will depend on the actual
situation. Especially in our age of rush and intense change,
patience may not be seen as a positive quality, but take a minute
to think impatience can easily give rise to a general feeling of
anger.
ANTIDOTE 2 - Realisation of the Noble Truth of
Suffering.
Once one understands that problems and frustration is a basic fact
of life, it can reduce our impatience with our own unrealistic
expectations. In other words: nothing is perfect, so don't expect
it.
Because of my belief that things are or can be perfect, it is easy
to feel hurt.
ANTIDOTE 3 - Understanding Karma.
As explained in the page on Karma, the real
reasons for our problems are our own actions, which are in turn
caused by our own negative states of mind. If someone makes us
angry, it has a sobering effect if we dare to think that the real
reasons for this situation are our own past actions, and the person
is just a circumstance for our own karma to ripen.
ANTIDOTE 4 - Changing or Accepting.
Basically, we can find ourselves in two types of unpleasant
situations: ones we can change and ones we cannot change.
- If I can change the situation, I should do something about it
instead of getting all worked-up and angry. Not acting in such a
situation will cause frustration in the end.
- If I cannot change the situation, I will have to accept it. If I
don't, it will only lead to frustration and a negative and
unpleasant state of mind, which will make the situation only
worse.
For some reasons unclear to me, Westerners (including myself)
appear to have big problems with accepting unpleasant situations
which we cannot change. Could this be a result of impatience (a
form of anger) with imperfection (an unrealistic
expectation)?
Do consider the wisdom in the following remarks (from an online
discussion - forgot the writer.):
"How does this effect my Buddhist practice?
It doesn't.
These reported events are like an arrow shot at my heart but it
lands at my feet.
I choose not to bend over, pick it up, and stab myself with
it."
ANTIDOTE 5 - Realistic Analysis.
For example: someone accuses me of something.
- If it is true, I apparently made a mistake, so I should listen
and learn.
- If it is untrue, the other person makes a mistake. So what?
Nobody is perfect. I also make mistakes, and it is all too easy to
label the other as "enemy", in which case a helpful discussion or
forgiving becomes difficult.
It may also be worthwhile searching for the real underlying reason
of the problem. Of special importance is to evaluate one's own role
in the situation: my own fears, insecurity, being very unfriendly,
or not being blameless (like leaving home much too late for an
appointment and blaming the 5 minutes delay of the train).
ANTIDOTE - Realisation of Emptiness.
See the page on Wisdom.
To summarise it briefly, if one deeply realises the emptiness of
inherent existence or interdependence of the other person, the
situation and oneself, there is nothing to be angry about. The
realisation of emptiness is therefore the ultimate means of ridding
oneself of unrealistic negative emotions like anger.
ANTIDOTE 7 - Equanimity.
Equanimity means that one realises the basic equality of all
sentient beings; others want happiness, just like I do. Others make
mistakes just like I do. Others are confused, angry, attached just
like I often am. Is the other person happy in this situation, or
just struggling like I am?
ANTIDOTE 8 - Openness
Be prepared to be open for the motivation of others to do what
causes you problems. Talking it over and being prepared to listen
can suddenly make a problem acceptable.
Did you ever notice the difference when a plane or train has much
delay and nobody gives any reasons for it? People very quickly
become irritated and hostile. Then when the driver or pilot
explains there is a technical defect or an accident, suddenly
waiting becomes easier.
ANTIDOTE 9 - Relativity.
Ask yourself if this situation is actually important enough to
spoil your own and other people's mood. Is this problem worth
getting upset in a life where death can hit me at any moment?
ANTIDOTE 10 - Change Your Motivation.
In case a situation is really unacceptable, and another person
needs to convinced that something is to be done or changed, there
is no need to become upset and angry. It is likely much more
efficient if you show of understanding and try to make the other
understand the need for change. If one needs to appear angry for
some reason to convince the other person of the seriousness of the
situation, one can think like a parent acting wrathful to prevent
the child from harming itself.
In general, to be really effective one needs to reflect on quite a
number of aspects in one's own mind like; forgiveness, peace of
mind, fears, self-acceptance (no acceptance of others is really
possible without self-acceptance), habits, prejudices etc. A list
of aspects to start with is given in the page about the mind, under the
26 non-virtuous mental factors.
ANTIDOTE 11 - Watch Your Hands.
An interesting suggestion from Jon Kabat-Zinn, from 'Wherever
You Go, There You Are':
"All our hand postures are mudras in that they are associated
with subtle or not-so-subtle energies. Take the energy of the fist,
for instance. When we get angry, our hands tend to close into
fists. Some people unknowingly practice this mudra a lot in their
lives. It waters the seeds of anger and violence within you ever
time you do it, and they respond by sprouting and growing
stronger.
The next time you find yourself making fists out of anger, try to
bring mindfulness to the inner attitude embodied in a fist. Feel
the tension, the hatred, the anger, the aggression, and the fear
which it contains. Then, in the midst of your anger, as an
experiment, if the person you are angry at is present, try opening
your fists and placing the palms together over your heart in the
prayer position right in front of him. (Of course, he won't have
the slightest idea what you are doing.) Notice what happens to the
anger and hurt as you hold this position for even a few
moments."
ANTIDOTE 12 - Meditation.
Last, but certainly not least, meditation can be the ultimate cure
to completely eliminating anger from your mind. In the beginning,
one can do analytical meditations (like
this meditation on anger), but also meditation on
compassion,
love and forgiving reduce anger as well. Ultimately, the
realization of
emptiness eradicates all delusions like anger.