Teachings on
Love…
The first aspect of true love is maître,
the intention and capacity to offer joy and happiness. To develop
that capacity, we have to practice looking and listening deeply so
that we know what to do and what not to do to make others happy. If
you offer your beloved something she does not need, that is not
maître. You have to see her real situation of what you offer might
bring her unhappiness. In Southeast Asia, many people are extremely
fond of a large thorny fruit called durian. You could even say that
they are addicted to it. Its smell is extremely strong, and when
some people finish eating the fruit, they put the skin under their
bed so that they can continue to smell it. To me, the smell of
durian is horrible. One day when I was practicing chanting in my
temple in Vietnam, there was a durian on the altar that had been
offered to the Buddha. I was trying to recite the Lotus Sutra,
using a wooden drum and a large bowl-shaped bell for accompaniment,
but I could not concentrate at all. I finally carried the bell to
the alter and turned it upside down to imprison the durian, so I
could chant the sutra. After I finished, I bowed to the Buddha and
liberated the durian. If you were to say to me, “ I love you so
much I would like you to eat some of this durian,’’ I would suffer.
You love me, you want me to be happy, but you force me to eat
durian. That is an example of love without understanding. Without
understanding, your love is not true love. You must look deeply in
order to see and understand the needs, aspirations and suffering of
the one you love. We all need love. Love brings us joy and
well-being. It is as natural as the air. We are loved by the air;
We need fresh air to be happy and well. We are loved by trees. We
need trees to be healthy. In order to be loved, we have to love,
which means we have to understand. For our love to continue, we
have to take the appropriate action or non-action to protect the
air, the trees, and our beloved. Maitri can be translated as ‘love’
or loving kindness.’ Some Buddhist teachers prefer
‘loving-kindness, as they find the word love too dangerous. But I
prefer the word ‘Love.’ Words sometimes get sick and we have to
heal them. We have been using the word ‘Love’ to mean appetite or
desire, as in ‘I love hamburgers.’ We have to use language more
carefully. ‘Love’ is a beautiful word; we have to restore its
meaning. The Word maître has roots in the word mitra which means
friend. In Buddhism, the primary meaning of love is friendship. We
all have the seeds of love in us. We can develop this wonderful
source of energy, nurturing the unconditional love that does not
expect anything in return. When we understand someone deeply, even
someone who has done us harm, we cannot resist loving him or her.
Shakyamuni Buddha declared that the Buddha of the next aeon will be
named ‘Maitreya, the Buddha of Love.’
Compassion (Karuna) The
second aspects of true love is Karuna, the intention and capacity
to relieve and transform suffering and lighten sorrows. Karuna is
usually translated as ‘compassion’, but that is not exactly
correct. ‘ Compassion is composed of com (‘together with’) and
passion (‘ to suffer’). But we do not need to suffer to remove
suffering from another person. Doctors, for instance, can relieve
their patients’ suffering without experiencing the same disease in
themselves. If we suffer too much, we may be crushed and unable to
help. Still, until we find a better word, let us use ‘ compassion’
to translate karuna. To develop compassion in ourselves, we need to
practice mindful breathing, deep listening, and deep looking. The
Lotus Sutra describes Avalokiteshvara as the Bodhisattva who
practices ‘ looking with the eyes of compassion and listening
deeply to the cries of the world.’ Compassion contains deep
concern. You know the other person is suffering, so you sit close
to her. You look and listen deeply to her to be able to touch her
pain. You are in deep communication, deep communion with her, and
that alone brings some relief. One compassionate word, action, or
thought can reduce another person’s suffering and bring him joy.
One word can give comfort and confidence, destroy doubt, help
someone avoid a mistake, reconcile a conflict, or open the door to
liberation. One action can save a person’s life or help him to take
advantage of a rare opportunity. One thought can do the same,
because thoughts always lead to words and actions. With compassion
in our heart, every thought, word and deed can bring about a
miracle. When I was a novice, I could not understand why, if the
world is filled with suffering, the Buddha has such a beautiful
smile. Why isn’t he disturbed by all the suffering? Later I
discovered that Buddha has enough understanding, calm and strength;
that is why suffering does not overwhelm him. He is able to smile
at suffering, but retain our clarity,
calmness, and strength, so we can help transform the situation. The
ocean of tears cannot drown us if Karuna is there.
That is why the Buddha’s smile is
possible. :)