Is assertiveness behaviour taught in Buddhism?

Spnw07 SG

Being Assertive

Scene: Beths mother visits

..On several occasions during her mothers stay Beth has been annoyed by the constant criticisms of the way she is bringing up her children, and she thinks that this is the moment to say something.

I know you have their best interests at heart, she says, but you know, Mum, Im not doing a bad job bringing up the children, and theyre turning out pretty well. I feel undermined when you find fault with the way we do things.

Later on Beth receives a phone call from a friend she plays badminton with asking her to take part in a tournament. You are such a good player, her friend says, We are bound to do well with you on the team.

Beth likes playing badminton, but thinks that while her mother is staying it would be best not to take on this kind of commitment. She does not want to leave her mother alone too much. Thanks for asking me, she says, but Im going to have to say no this time. If theres another tournament later in the year, Id very interested in making up the team.

Her friend sounds annoyed. Well, we were all relying on you. We stand much less chance of winning now.

Beth says, Sorry you were relying on me. As I said, do ask me again later on. Anyway, Ill see you at the club night as usual next week.

Beth is behaving assertively. She expresses her thoughts and feelings appropriately, in the right way to the right people. She does not blame others, but takes responsibility for herself and acknowledges and owns her feelings. Beth is able to respond calmly and confidently without becoming worked up and angry, and she does not allow people to put pressure on her.

Here we see her dealing effectively in two potentially difficult situations, criticising her mother and saying no to her friend who is annoyed and disappointed by her refusal. In both cases she is not deflected from her intention, and makes her position clear without giving offence, being rude or caving in.

She could have chosen not to say anything to her mother and perhaps just let off steam to a sympathetic friend, or let the situation build up until she lost her temper with her mother, maybe damaging their relationship in a way that could be difficult to rectify.

She could have allowed guilt at letting down her badminton friends to force her to agree to the request, or have apologised profusely for her decision and felt bad about saying no.

Many of us find that we are able to deal assertively with only certain people and certain situations. However, we can learn to apply similar behaviour in any circumstance, once we have learnt the basic principles and practices.

(The above excerpt comes from The Assertiveness Handbook by Mary Hartley)

My thoughts:

So far I've yet to come across Buddhist teachings that will teach me what and how to say in the above situations. Buddhist teachings merely give you guidelines and a general formula, too general to really help a slow person like myself.

I need specific examples from real-life. Specific key words that should or should not be said to certain people and in certain situations.

I don't want to be passive, I don't want to be a pushover. In Buddhism we are always taught to respect and accomodate the wishes of others before our own, but seldom are we taught that our own opinions and needs matter too.

Let me quote another passage from the book again:

'Assertive behaviour is founded on self-esteem and self-acceptance. If you like yourself, it matters less that others should like you, and you can communicate with people pleasantly and directly, without being hungry for approval or needing to establish your superiority.

Being at ease with yourself encourages others to be at ease with you. From a secure basis of self-worth, the assertive person responds to others as equal to equal.

Assertive people communicate in a way that demonstrates their sense of self and at the same time acknowledges and respects others.

cycle SG

Originally posted by Spnw07:
[b]Being Assertive

Scene: Beths mother visits

..On several occasions during her mothers stay Beth has been annoyed by the constant criticisms of the way she is bringing up her children, and she thinks that this is the moment to say something.

I know you have their best interests at heart, she says, but you know, Mum, Im not doing a bad job bringing up the children, and theyre turning out pretty well. I feel undermined when you find fault with the way we do things.

Later on Beth receives a phone call from a friend she plays badminton with asking her to take part in a tournament. You are such a good player, her friend says, We are bound to do well with you on the team.

Beth likes playing badminton, but thinks that while her mother is staying it would be best not to take on this kind of commitment. She does not want to leave her mother alone too much. Thanks for asking me, she says, but Im going to have to say no this time. If theres another tournament later in the year, Id very interested in making up the team.

Her friend sounds annoyed. Well, we were all relying on you. We stand much less chance of winning now.

Beth says, Sorry you were relying on me. As I said, do ask me again later on. Anyway, Ill see you at the club night as usual next week.

Beth is behaving assertively. She expresses her thoughts and feelings appropriately, in the right way to the right people. She does not blame others, but takes responsibility for herself and acknowledges and owns her feelings. Beth is able to respond calmly and confidently without becoming worked up and angry, and she does not allow people to put pressure on her.

Here we see her dealing effectively in two potentially difficult situations, criticising her mother and saying no to her friend who is annoyed and disappointed by her refusal. In both cases she is not deflected from her intention, and makes her position clear without giving offence, being rude or caving in.

She could have chosen not to say anything to her mother and perhaps just let off steam to a sympathetic friend, or let the situation build up until she lost her temper with her mother, maybe damaging their relationship in a way that could be difficult to rectify.

She could have allowed guilt at letting down her badminton friends to force her to agree to the request, or have apologised profusely for her decision and felt bad about saying no.

Many of us find that we are able to deal assertively with only certain people and certain situations. However, we can learn to apply similar behaviour in any circumstance, once we have learnt the basic principles and practices.

(The above excerpt comes from The Assertiveness Handbook by Mary Hartley)

My thoughts:

So far I've yet to come across Buddhist teachings that will teach me what and how to say in the above situations. Buddhist teachings merely give you guidelines and a general formula, too general to really help a slow person like myself.

I need specific examples from real-life. Specific key words that should or should not be said to certain people and in certain situations.

I don't want to be passive, I don't want to be a pushover. In Buddhism we are always taught to respect and accomodate the wishes of others before our own, but seldom are we taught that our own opinions and needs matter too.

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I don't think we can find any specific words or specific behaviour in Buddhism teachings to speak n react in any specific situations in life per se , but Buddhism teaches us the most basic n important truth of life that is all phenomena is impermanent; which leads to teachings of non-attachment, compassion, and equanimity, all of which I think is more than enough a guideline for us to follow when encounter with any situations in our lives.

Take the beth n mom story, if she see her mom's nagging or critisim as coming fr genuine love for her n the well being of her grandkids, then she wouldn't hv felt undermined by mom at all, thus no vexations towards mom attitudes n no further needs to encounter mom. In fact if Beth could stop n think about how mom may sadden over her actions of assertiveness, compassion may arise in her heart instead n see mom in a different light. Smile Its' how Buddhdharma teaches us to see things fr a different perspective - "zhuan3 jing4"

In Beth n friends story, applying the teaching of impermanent, she should be able to know what is the piority in her life at that moment. That is to keep mom accompany in her short stay with her, or to win a badminton tournament. I think the answer is clear. In Buddhism teachings, our parents are the ones whose kindness we could never repay enough. So again, the chioce is clear n in a way Beth did the rt thing in rejecting her friends. It was not about assertiveness, I guess it was more about piorities. Nothing difficult, nothing great, appologise maybe but nothing to feel guilty of. Smile

Yes we hv our own needs n opinions, but if in voicing them out ( assertively) may hurt or harm others or even society at large, then it is not worth it. Of cos if its' the other way round ie our actions could benefit others, then go ahead n be assertive. I guess this is when wisdom needs to be applied. Then again u may ask how then can ppl like us hv the relevent wisdom? The answer is always the same: Study the Dharma n practise the path. Through " jie, ting " then " hui" can develope. It may takes a while, but we must not be impatient. To be assertive in one's own desires ( in order not to be a pushover) could be harmful if such actions arise from " self- cherishness" which is the cause of subject-object attachment.( This will need AEN or Thusness to elaborate Embarassed Smile )

I think the only "assertiveness" in Buddhadharma is about us practising the Dharma diligently. Then we will be able to solve all kinds of situations in our lives wisely n be liberated fr our own defilments n entrapment.

Spnw07 SG

:
Yes we hv our own needs n opinions, but if in voicing them out ( assertively) may hurt or harm others or even society at large, then it is not worth it. Of cos if its' the other way round ie our actions could benefit others, then go ahead n be assertive. I guess this is when wisdom needs to be applied. Then again u may ask how then can ppl like us hv the relevent wisdom? The answer is always the same: Study the Dharma n practise the path. Through " jie, ting " then " hui" can develope. It may takes a while, but we must not be impatient. To be assertive in one's own desires ( in order not to be a pushover) could be harmful if such actions arise from " self- cherishness" which is the cause of subject-object attachment.( This will need AEN or Thusness to elaborate Embarassed Smile )

I think the only "assertiveness" in Buddhadharma is about us practising the Dharma diligently. Then we will be able to solve all kinds of situations in our lives wisely n be liberated fr our own defilments n entrapment.

True assertiveness is never aggressive, in my opinion. It will never put self before others. But the assertiveness concept that you explain using your understanding of Buddhism is just only 'others before self'.

I agree that the Buddhist way is about observing precepts or maintaining high self-awareness at all times, so that one would be able to cultivate the necessary wisdom to handle different types of situations.

However, before anyone achieves that kind of high awareness, they need to learn communication techniques that will at least help them for the time being while they learn to become truly non-attached.

I also agree with you that the assertiveness demonstrated by Beth can be viewed as knowing one's priorities, but whatever it is, assertiveness is about understanding and taking care of your needs and priorities, so that you can help yourself and/or specific group of people you need to help at that particular moment.

True assertiveness is about knowing when and how to say 'No', without ignoring the needs and priorities of others at the same time.

I agree with you that being assertive about one's own desires may be viewed as attachment and hence essentially harmful. However, this is not what I want to achieve. I believe there is a very, very long way to go, for most to attain non-attachment and wisdom in handling many types of life's challenging situations.

The assertiveness example that I gave is just one small example. There are many that can be applied together with Buddhist concepts. That is my main intention and wish for myself, which is to eventually help myself and other people at the same time, Buddhists or non-Buddhists, to maintain a healthy self-esteem before attaining true non-attachment to self.

The above example is my way of trying to say there is a need to find more methods or means to bridge the cultivation gap between secular assertiveness and the long path towards wisdom and non-attachment taught by the Buddha.

Something has to be done, to be learnt first through ordinary or secular measures or by applying secular knowledge (only those which is established to be effective and practical for most people to follow) while trying to understand, practise and finally attain true wisdom and non-attachment to self at the same time.

My wish is to be able to give a talk, or write a book one day, about mutually-beneficial assertiveness techniques or guidelines with many real-life examples, that any Buddhist or anyone interested in Buddhist teachings can use while cultivating 'jie, ding, hui' and practising non-attachment.

From there, I hope what I share will be able to help these people in some small way, so that they will not have to feel lost, feel alone, or struggle to understand and finally be able to apply quickly and effectively on their own (or despite having attended numerous Buddhist talks), some Buddhist concepts which sound too general, ambiguous, or profound in nature.

My target groups are: slow and/or lazy people learning Buddhism on their own or with their own Buddhist groups. So my views can appear to be quite unorthodox or selfish when viewed by most of you here.

As such, I seek the understanding and tolerance of fellow Buddhists here. :)