My first introduction to Buddhist concept of karma was the Cause
and Effect sutra. It is quite amazing to read that there are
reasons for what I am experiencing in my life. The environment I am
born in and so on.
Let me go on to talk about how I started to slowly believe strongly
in the Buddhist concept of Cause and Effect, even though there are
many people out there now who still challenge the Buddhist concept
of cause and effect and that every living being has gone through
countless rebirths.
Since small, I have hardly been good at anything. For boys, this
might be fatal. In school, either you have to be good at sports or
studies or cool in character to have friends. Not only was I not
good at any of those, I frankly suck at sports and outdoor
games.
I found that I didn't have a group which I could go to. There was
no one that would say 'hey, come here, join us for this, join us
for that...'
Every first day of school of every academic level is something that
I would dread attending. Almost everyone would have people
approaching them to introduce themselves, but no one would ever
come to me. By the time we were assigned to our own classes, most
would have formed their own cliques. But not me. This would later
become a common scenario throughout my life so far.
Most people by now would have at least one or two close friends in
their lives. Most would at least be liked in some way by people,
even though they have their own flaws. But this was, and is still,
hardly true for me.
I think a lot, about what is that I have to do to be like those
around me, to be surrounded by friends, surrounded by people who
would like them to be in their sports group, study group and soon
on. What is like to have friends who truly care about you, who
truly accept you for who you are, I wonder a lot, a lot about such
things every now and then.
I struggled a lot within, trying to correct my flaws like
pettiness, stubbornness, sulkiness and so on. But soon I gave up
cos my ego is too 'strong'. I didn't want to change, cos I was
pretty scared that I would 'lose' myself in order to be
liked.
The Buddhist teaching of Cause and Effect and karma, in a way,
helped me to accept to some extent, that I may have done something
bad in my past life to warrant this bad personality and lonely
life. Well, it also irritates me at the same time in that it tells
me to accept no matter what.
If anyone out there is experiencing a similar life like me, don't
give up, okay? I'm with you. I may not be able to help you, but at
least you know you are not alone. If no one can understand the pain
you are going through, I can, at least more than others, I
think...
One day, I believe, my bad karma will end. I believe I can change
my flaws too. But maybe not in this life, cos my fears and
insecurities are too deep-seated. Who knows what turn of future
events would lead me to change and make those changes
permanent.
As a buddhist, I should not have said the above ignorant and naive
statements at all. But as a mere human, I have my dreams.
Maybe to end this post in a more positive tone, let me say
this:
The Buddhist concept of karma is not fatalistic. So there is always
hope for everyone of us. Help will come, even if you had not
expected it to. Help comes when you continue to try, without giving
up easily.
As living beings, we can give up everything, but we should never,
ever give up HOPE. If you have given up hope, remember, Hope will
still be there for you, waiting for you to open yourself to it
again.
So don't give up, alright?
Amituofo! 
