I have the same thoughts and doubts as you, mahawarrior. If my
country is the attacker, how do I justify myself when killing
people out in the battlefield? We are all just following orders,
but what happens to our conscience, our innate compassion for
fellow human beings?
I think I would probably try to think of ways to 'siam' from having
to fight in the war, if I have parents or wife and children. But
would consider seriously about suicide if I'm single and both my
parents have passed away.
But then again, suicide is not something that is easy for a not so
courageous person like me. Dilemma really, serious dilemma.
Advice like 'use my wisdom' and 'follow my heart' from fellow
Buddhists and Venerable Masters alike are just too vague or
profound for someone as average as I am in the practice of Buddhist
teachings.
Hence, now, I find the need to explore more layman's perspective
about the dilemmas of war, be it from the side of the
attacker/defender/allies of either.
'Use your wisdom' is simply not applicable for someone like me,
who's so ordinary in intelligence and love for life, that I don't
have any 'wisdom' to use at all.