Yesterday I read a chapter from 'The Silent Question: Meditating
in the Stillness of Not-Knowing" by Toni Packer which I think is
very good so I'm typing this out for sharing (I'm a fast typer so
it's easy):
11
Loneliness
"We mistakenly feel that our story is our true home, and when it
is not present, there is the sad feeling of missing something.
Lets be careful not to linger with the sadness of loss and
loneliness not to make that part of our story. Simply
feel it in the body and
leave it alone staying with open listening and wondering.
Wondering is a marvellous antidote to the suffering of
loneliness!"
Participant: Id like to talk a bit about loneliness related to
seeing ones life as a movie. In my own experience, when I start
seeing my life as a dream or movie, it brings with it a different
type of loneliness than just the everyday loneliness. Its
something that goes all the way to the bone.
Toni Packer: To the bone. Yes.
Participant: Theres some sort of tremendous resistance to that, a
great fear that something is being lost when we do that.
Toni: When we see our life as a movie.
Participant: Yeah.
Toni: As having a quality of unreality.
Participant: Right. Theres some sense that one starts to see the
world as being ones own making, enclosed in ones own concepts.
Its like one is completely alone, maybe not really contacting
anything genuinely...
Toni: Not really contact anything in a genuine, real way. But where
does that Sense come from? From a thought, a mental evaluation
like Maybe Im not genuinely contacting things, Im not in touch
with reality, Im locked into my own creation! Is that what is
going on? Reflections like these can create feelings of loneliness,
despair, depression, or whatever mood may accompany them.
Maybe its true that we are locked in mental creations! But
words and concepts used to describe experiences are not the real thing, even though they
create palpable moods.
When someone says, See the world as a movie, it means, See and
understand the world as the content of a mental story. The I
plays an enormously important part in all our stories. It is the
central doer and owner the one who wins and loses, enjoys and
suffers!
But in the midst of the story there can also be a sudden coming to
a fresh wondering if there can be a different way of being here,
of listening, looking, and doing things that does not arise out of
a story-world created by self-centered thinking.
So the new question is, Is there a world that is not created by
the story-creating mind? When the story-creating mind lets up,
everything turns out to be very simple just birds calling, cool
fog touching the eyes, the skin, and the warmth in this room full
of people. Whatever is experienced directly, wholly, is not a
creation of the mind. Its whats right here without thought
entanglement, without evaluation. Just rain dripping on the wooden
deck drip, drip, drip. Breathing in and out, in and out, body
expanding, contracting, energy throbbing throughout the body
every moment a miracle without the interference of thoughts!
So in this mood of loneliness you describe it quite well in
saying it feels as though something is being lost well, maybe
whats lost is the illusion that Ive been in touch with
whats real! Now you suddenly see it was an illusion! But thought
keeps moaning, Ive lost something! How sad! But you havent lost
anything real! Thats just an idea!
[pause]
[Cheep, chee chee] Do we
hear birds cheeping outside the open windows and doors? Are we
right here?
[pause]
We feel rewarded when we live in our story, our apparent home where
we feel somewhat at ease. We may not feel safe human beings dont feel safe
most of the time, because of a constant undercurrent of tricky
thought-scenarios of past and future. And yet we habitually assume
theres more safety living in our familiar thought-spun story than
in a world spontaneously unfolding from moment to moment.
Participant: I guess Im feeling that even when Im not so much in
the story, when Im not playing that game. What takes me back into
the story again and again is this loneliness thats here even when
I feel that the story isnt.
Toni: Even when the story isnt here? Well, then, is that feeling
of loneliness due to mentally reflecting about the state of
no-story? Is it like a withdrawal from the rewards of the
me-story, the physical craving that comes out of needing that
stimulation? Weve been habituated to story. When you say, right
now Im living in very little story, but I still feel lonely,...
is that because its not the habitual story-state of constant
stimulation and reward? But not to stop with any thought-created
conclusion and its moods, but to discover for oneself the richness
of being in touch with breathing, birds calling, looking and
listening freely without any
story!
We mistakenly feel that our story is our true home, and when it is
not present, there is the sad feeling of missing something. Letsbe
careful not to linger with the sadness of loss and loneliness not
to make that part of our story. Simply feel it in the body and leave it alone
staying with open listening and wondering.
Wondering is a marvellous antidote to the suffering of loneliness!
Wondering: What is right now? Shifting from the passively
enduring to actively wondering, questioning, What is it? Because
now the senses are wide awake, listening in open wondering! Energy
is flowing freely, abundantly!
[pause] Does that make
sense?
Participant: Yes.
Toni: When things are put into words, it may sound complicated. But
it isnt. Its very simple. Not easy, but simple.
[They sit quietly for a few
minutes.]
Toni: To come back... we didnt go into the feeling of loneliness
itself, whether its habitual loneliness or the feeling of having
lost something. You mentioned these two different kinds at the
beginning. But regardless of what kind, is there a feeling, a state
of mind, that is disagreeable, that causes some kind of anxiety?
And how to be with that?
We looked at what brings it about, and sometimes that exploration
can dispel the disagreeable state of mind because one understands
how its grounded in illusion, in just wanting the story back. But
maybe disagreeableness doesnt go away. The feeling of loneliness
lingers, and one discovers more and more thoughts that bring it
about. Discovering those thoughts may not do away with the whole
process of feeling loneliness or any other bothersome mood or
unpleasant state of mind. Our life of thinking and remembering is
so constituted that these states come and go all the time. Theres
no such thing as permanent happiness or constant equilibrium.
Things of this world keep moving into and out of balance without
abiding anywhere.
So is there a totally new way of letting all of that happen, be it
loneliness, fear, or whatever not bothering with it all? To live
like a water skimmer crisscrossing the water, barely touching it,
not getting bogged down in wetness. No hassling with the water, no
complaining about splashing and splattering.
Can we just let it be whatever unpleasantness, discomfort, or
outright pain there may be not trying to clothe it in words, not
verbalizing yet not denying it? The feeling isnt denied. Its
there. But its not made into anything more than it is. Whenever
the urge comes up to make something out of it, see it and dismiss
it. Let it go.
So just living with rainy days, hot humid days, and mellow spring
nights youre just here with it all without making anything out
of it or wanting more or less of it.
Then you may notice all of a sudden that feelings of loneliness are
gone. Me and the world are seen as mere words that bring about
painful feelings of separation and loneliness. The feelings will
return at the moment of inattention, but so what? Just see it
afresh! There is just skimming across the waters without getting
wet beholding it all without denial or acceptance of what has
already passed.