I love especially the last few chapters 
I focused instead on
the question of WHO it was who wanted to become enlightened, if
there was anyone there at all? I investigated no-self, which is
much more illuminating than trying to become enlightened.
and 'I am not enlightened. But I
am highly eliminated!'
In fact sometimes when I found myself struggling with certain
things.... I turn inwards and ask myself, "WHO is
struggling?"
Venerable Ajahn Brahmavamso - Becoming
Enlightened
So there I was, in a foreign land, trying so hard,
giving up so much -and for what?
I wasn't quite sure.
When I was very young I wanted desperately to become a train
driver. My grandfather had taken my brother and me to Euston
Station in London where I began an infatuation with those massive,
black and green steel machines that hissed, with so much strength.
Wouldn't it be wonderful, I dreamt, one day...if...
Some years later I wanted desperately to become enlightened. I had
read all about it in the books. To a starry-eyed young man, the
idea of living in permanent bliss and saving humanity at the same
time was irresistibly appealing. Wouldn't it be wonderful, I used
to dream, one day. ..if. ..
When I first heard the story of the Lord Buddha's enlightenment, I
was still many glasses of beer away from being a monk. I was a
student, doing most of those outrageous activities students enjoyed
in the late sixties - and regretted in the late seventies. But I
had been meditating off and on - mostly the former - for some time,
and I had begun to notice some unmistakable changes in my daily
life. I was attending the Vesak celebration at the local Buddhist
Society and as the Venerable Sri Lankan monk was reading out the
Enlightenment Story, I became more and more inspired and excited. I
especially relished the bit where the Buddha-to-be sat at the root
of the Bodhi Tree and made that earth-shaking resolution:
'Though my blood dries up and my bones turn to dust, I will not
move from this spot until I have penetrated to Supreme and Complete
Enlightenment!'
Wow! As the story moved on, a thought began to solidify in my mind.
I could hardly wait until the end of the chanting. I impatiently
gulped down the cup of tea, which was all but obligatory at the
occasion, and then I hurried back to my room at college. I had
heard enough talks on Buddhism, I had read plenty of books on the
subject. I had been meditating for a whole year now, at least once
a week - well most weeks anyway. If the Buddha could do it, why not
me?
Thus it was that I, in the arrogant stupidity of youth, a novice
mediator who could hardly manage to sit still for thirty minutes,
decided that it was time to become enlightened. It was now or
never, I resolved, for the next day I had an exam. I locked the
door of my room. I sat down on my meditation cushion. I collected
myself. Then I pronounced in a low, clear, solemn voice:
'Though my blood dries up and my bones turn to dust, I will not
move from this very cushion until I, also, become
enlightened.'
That was it. No more mucking about. I was dead serious.
Forty minutes later I was in extreme agony. Though my blood
appeared as liquid as ever and no disintegration of my bones was
discernible yet, my knees were giving me hell! What was really
worrying me though, was that over half an hour had gone by and I
hadn't seen the anticipated brilliant and flashing lights yet.
There hadn't even been a twinkle to suggest that I was getting
near. It was very depressing - and very painful. I gave in. I got
up very disappointed. Not becoming enlightened had spoiled the
whole day.
A few years later and a little more sensible - though only a little
- I was at London airport being sent off to Thailand by two Thai
bhikkhus. I was going to Bangkok to be ordained. I still remember
the parting words of the senior of the bhikkhus, who was my teacher
then: 'Please come back when you become enlightened.' I was
planning to be a monk in Thailand for two years at most. I had told
my relatives and friends that I'd be back within two summers. After
all, two whole years as a Buddhist monk in Thailand - surely that
is long enough even for those of slow intelligence to become
enlightened. As for me, I had a degree from university, so there
was no doubt in my mind that I would be back in England within two
years, enlightened. Once I had got that out of the way, I planned
to get married and go live in a commune - in Wales of course. I had
made enquiries before I left.
Two years down the track, it was becoming obvious that this
enlightenment business might not be so easy. For some reason,
though I was a Westerner with a good degree from a top university,
I was acting more stupidly than the Thai monks who had barely
finished grade four in village schools. My conceit was taking a
fair hammering. The strange thing was that, even though I still
wasn't enlightened, I was enjoying the peace, simplicity and
morality of monastic life. I didn't want to leave. What I had in
mind to do on the commune in Wales had lost its appeal.
