1st copied text:
One near enemy of compassion is pity. Instead of feeling
the openness of compassion, pity says, "Oh, that poor person is
suffering!" Pity sets up a separation between oneself and others, a
sense of distance and remoteness from the suffering of others that
is affirming and gratifying to the ego. Compassion, on the other
hand, recognizes the suffering of another as a reflection of one's
own pain: "I understand that; I suffer in the same way. It's a part
of life." Compassion is shared suffering.
Obviously from what you described there is a great deal of
remoteness from the suffering of others.
2nd copied text:
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http://buddhism.kalachakranet.org/immeasurables_love_compassion_equanimity_rejoicing.html
COMPASSION
The definition is: wanting others to be free from suffering.
This compassion happens when one feels sorry with someone, and one
feels an urge to help.
The near enemy is pity, which keeps other at a distance, and does
not urge one to help.
The opposite is wanting others to suffer, or cruelty.
A result which one needs to avoid is sentimentality.
Compassion thus refers to an unselfish, de-tached emotion which
gives one a sense of urgency in wanting to help others. From a
Buddhist perspective, helping others to reduce their physical or
mental suffering is very good, but the ultimate goal is to
extinguish all suffering by stopping the process of rebirth and the
suffering that automatically comes with living
(enlightenment).
The attitude of a so-called Bodhisattva is Bodhicitta: this is the
ultimate compassionate motivation: the wish to liberate all
sentient beings from the sufferings of cyclic existence and to
become a fully enlightened Buddha oneself in order to act as the
perfect guide for them.
From what you said you had no sense of feeling an urge to help,
and is only "keeping others at a distance while not wanting to
help".
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http://www.brahmaviharas.org/BVwriting4.htm
Pity is the near enemy to compassion for it has a hidden quality of
aversion. The delusion of pity comes, in part, from the belief that
if we hold ourselves as separate that we are protecting ourselves
in some way. Karuna dissolves the boundaries divide our hearts in
two. With growing compassion we are less apt to look away - to
withdraw our attention - to abandon or be abandoned.
Now obviously you have shown 'a hidden quality of aversion' in
an unhidden way, by saying "ugly girls that i dont
like". How can you have compassion for something you don't
like? You can only have pity. You are also 'holding yourself as
separate and protecting yourself in some way' by trying to
"hide myself nirvana
because ugly girls scare me.", furthemore it is
more evident that when when you see ugly girls "your will to become
enlightened gets stronger" but when you see pretty girls "then it
weakens." This is obviously due to "seeing yourself as separate and
protecting yourself in some way".
My feeling is that compassion is a 'underlying' feeling that
does not really need a stimulus to evoke. 'Pity' on the other hand
is evoked when we see somebody experiencing something that we do
not want ourselve to experience. Compassion, I believe is the same
as unconditional love. - longchen
Now obviously what you described is far from what longchen
said.
