Slack Smart
It’s a new year, which offers you the chance to rededicate yourself
to your job, climb a bit higher on the corporate ladder and impress
your boss. Or not. If you’re afraid of ladders (and bosses), why
not just come up with new ways to waste a bunch of time like you’ve
always done? Belinda Wan has 10 ideas on how you can do
just that …
So it’s a new year—which means a new start, right? Well, kinda. At
the risk of our (hopefully) good reputation, we beg to differ. Yes,
a new year is great for resolutions and re-examinations but let’s
get real. Sure you want to keep your job and get work done; but
c’mon—there is no need to work too hard, now. You wouldn’t want to
be that woman working at a McDonald’s in Japan who just dropped
dead because she was putting in waaaaay too much
overtime, would you?
If you’re saying nay, good! You’re normal. As Ronald Reagan once
said: “I know that nobody ever died of hard work, but why take a
chance?” From the example cited above we now know that to be
untrue, but still, the guy’s right. Why take the chance, indeed? So
just read on for our nifty guide to slacking off stylishly at work
while looking ever so occupied.
1. Become a chainsmoker
If you’re truly intent on wasting time (and wasting your lungs away
too), join the Smokers Convention in your office. It’s a good way
to check up on news circulating on the office grapevine, and to
bond with your smoking buddies. Plus, you can develop a really
convincing cough which you can use to take extra MC thus extending
the effects of this one little tip. Cool! It’s a four-in-one bonus!
Count on about 5-10 minutes per ciggie break. Multiply that length
of time by the number of sticks you want to burn through in a day
and … you do the math. We bear no responsibilities for the minutes
you’re burning off your life though.
Estimated Time Wasted: 100 Minutes
2. Play online games
Nope, we’re not talking about boring, mundane, in-your-PC-already
games like Solitaire, FreeCell and Hearts. We have nothing against
these illustrious old-school card games, but how about some online
real-time fun? Visitwww.bartbonte.com/mustpopwords and play this
weirdly addictive game called Just Pop Words. Here’s how to play:
Make as many words as you possibly can from a random assortment of
letters. If 50 letters pile up, the game is over. Every time you
make a word, the letters make a pleasing “pop” sound (hence the
name of the game!) and disappear, giving you an insane adrenaline
rush. Let’s just say a small blue penguin will appear to up your
word-making ante, but it’s all ridiculously fun. Try it at your
peril.
Estimated Time Wasted: 90 Minutes
3. Collect your printouts
Now, surely every office is familiar with this scenario—mounds and
piles of uncollected printouts at the printer that drives
Management nuts because of all that wasted money (oh, and also
because of the baaad things they do to the poor trees and
environment too, of course). Now, you can be the shining exception
to the rule. Not only do you collect what you print, but you do it
sheet by sheet too, hence wasting time in a truly wonderful way.
You get a bit of exercise, you aren’t wasting any resources and
also, you look like one heck of a busy bee—something that your boss
is sure to dig.
Estimated Time Wasted: 30 Minutes
4. Call for meetings
What’s another huge office time-waster besides that modern bane
called email? Meetings, of course. They take forever, they resolve
nothing and are simply done so that things can actually look like
they are being taken into consideration. So if you are the
charitable type, don’t just waste time by yourself. Help every one
of your colleagues to jump on the Let’s Waste Time Bandwagon by
calling for a meeting (or asking your boss to call it—better yet,
no work needed on your end) to Solve Something—where everyone will
just sit in an air-conditioned room thinking deeply but offering
nothing in terms of suggestions. Note: The meeting needs to last at
least one hour for it to look truly convincing. If you’re unhappy
with the amount of time wasted, simply notify your team of a
follow-up to the meeting some weeks later.
Estimated Time Wasted: 60 Minutes
5. Go into sales
If you’re really super serious about your time-wasting mission in
life, don’tbecome a writer. Deadlines and slacking
just don’t mix (deadlines and vodka go much better together). But,
if you become a salesperson, you can always head out on “sales
calls” to chat randomly to “potential clients” who are actually
your ex-school mates. Or you can go visit that random account that
you’re keen to get into your, er, portfolio, because the girl/guy
working there is hot. The point is, anything that gets you out of
the office is a good thing, because your boss can’t follow you
everywhere. [Disclaimer: I-S sales staff
completely excluded from above commentary.]
Estimated Time Wasted: 240 Minutes
6. Take public transport
All good employees should not waste company resources. That’s a
given. But now, you can cleverly capitalize on that golden rule
with regard to your time-wasting strategy. If you have appointments
during a working day, take the bus or train. Sure, it will tire you
out like hell and make you a sweaty wrinkled mess but you’ll
definitely waste many more truckloads of time on buses and trains
dodging clumsy compatriots, grumpy aunties and hapless schoolkids
en route to your appointment than you would on a 20-minute cab ride
where your cabbie starts ranting away at the “gahmen.” Your company
will save their dough, you get to waste your time and everyone’s
happy. Yay!
Estimated Time Wasted: 45 Minutes
7. Be a social butterfly
Every company needs one—and if you haven’t already got one in your
office, why not claim the position for yourself? It’s easy. All you
have to be is super chirpy, happy and talkative (triple
espressos—with a dash of vodka—help). If your colleague looks
depressed, drop by their cubicle for a pep talk; ask where Jane got
that new dress from, or compliment Ken’s new haircut. Gel
fabulously with everyone (except Upper Management of course) and
chat with them whenever you get the slightest chance. A good chat
can waste at least 15 minutes, and if you try that with several
people every day, you’ll soon be a winner in the time-wasting
department. If you’re doing it right, who knows? You may even be
Ms. or Mr. Popular!
Estimated time wasted: 75 Minutes
8. Lend a helping hand
This is actually somewhat similar to the point above. But more
action-oriented, not talk-oriented. Be super helpful to your
colleagues whenever they need help—help them arrange their desk
caddies, run errands, figure out how to post videos on Facebook,
give them public transport directions, do their shopping, wash
their lunch dishes—anything that wastes oodles of time and which
prevents you from doing your work (better yet if your errand lies
outside the office). You’re helping people, and helping creates a
harmonious office environment.
Estimated time wasted: 80 Minutes
9. Spring clean your cubicle
When all else fails, fall back on your trusty cubicle to help you
in times of time-wasting need. In your hour of darkness when
there’s no one to chat with, no one to help, no meetings to call
and no errands to run, spring clean your cubicle. If any member of
Management looms up at you with suspicion lurking in their eyes
while you’re at it, just say in a Zen-like manner: “Exterior order
means internal organization.” We promise they’ll buy it and be
eager to back off to avoid the clouds of dust that will no doubt
billow up from your seat as you throw out your trash, wipe those
shelves, organize those files and tidy up your bric-a-brac.
Estimated time wasted: 120 Minutes
10. Check your work
You may not have thought of it, but checking your work actually
wastes bucket-loads of time. Take extra minutes to peruse your work
in excruciating detail before you finally deign to give it to your
boss. If he gets mad, just say sagely: “Perfection can’t be
rushed.” Same thing goes if your boss asks you why you’re late with
your work. Would he rather look at a great piece of work that’s
been properly checked, or a hastily put-together mess? The caveat
is: You’d better be sure all is hunky dory before you hand it in,
or your scheme may be uncovered. And who’s got time for all that
drama?
Estimated time wasted: 30 Minutes
Total amount of time wasted: 14.5 hours. Hey,
you’ve got enough left over to even waste time during your
overtime!