These sequels make you wish they'd left well enough
alone
By KEVIN WILLIAMSON -- Calgary Sun
Life is a series of firsts -- first love, first job, first car,
first therapist, first eating disorder, first sex-manual photos
shot strictly for instructional purposes.
But the second? The third? The fourth? In terms of films, although
not coffee-table sex guides, it becomes harder and harder to
recapture the elusive X factor that made the original so very
special. And by the fifth-go-round, you've got a straight-to-DVD
starring Kari Wuhrer.
Not that Hollywood stops trying. And to be fair to the lovely Ms.
Wuhrer, whose aforementioned sequel work was in Hellraiser: Deader,
it's not like the original left you wanting more.
The same could be said, I suppose, of today's theatrical releases
of the third The Fast and the Furious instalment (sans Vin Diesel
or Paul Walker) and the second Garfield flick (again starring the
voice of Bill Murray). Does anyone in their right mind expect
either of these excuses-to-print-money to be good? Even
passable?
Not that it matters -- both are projected to have strong opening
weekends, likely ensuring future episodes to milk their respective
cash cows.
As bad as they may be, however, it's unlikely they'll rank among
the following 10 movies which, in ways both tactile and
imperceptible, epitomize all the qualities found in the worst
sequels ever -- creative bankruptcy, bored stars or new ringleaders
who put the entire franchise into the ground beak-first.
10. JAWS 3-D (1983): You could argue 1987's Jaws:
The Revenge -- in which the seemingly psychic Great White Shark
manages to pursue the Brody family from Maine to the Bahamas -- is
the lesser film, but at least you didn't need to look like Max
Headroom to watch it. Jaws 3-D (because it's the third and it's in
3-D -- get it?) still occasionally plays on very late-night
TV.
HOW BAD IS IT REALLY: Roy
Scheider passed on it.
9. EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC (1977) or EXORCIST: THE
BEGINNING (2004): The second sequel -- 1990's The Exorcist
III -- doesn't carry the same rancid whiff of the second (in which
strobe lights play a supporting role) and fourth (or fifth, if you
don't count the prequel that was shot, but then never released in
theatres) in the horror series.
HOW BAD IS IT REALLY:
Strobe lights? Refilmed only to still blow chunks of pea-soup? We'd
say it was cursed, but in a statement e-mailed to the Sun, Satan
said he exited both projects over creative differences.
8. STAR TREK V: THE FINAL FRONTIER (1989): The USS
Enterprise boldly goes in search of ... God?! What's worse, they
find him and he looks like Nick Nolte's police mugshot.
HOW BAD IS IT REALLY: Did
we mention the bean-eating campfire scene that comes explosively
close to sounding like an outtake from Blazing Saddles? All that's
missing is a joke about photon torpedoes.
7. STAR WARS EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE (1999):
A generation of fans waited two decades to learn how Anakin
Skywalker fell to the dark side and they got Jar Jar Binks.
HOW BAD IS IT REALLY:
Darth Vader, who once uttered "Luke, I am your father" now, as
portrayed by 10-year-old punchline Jake Lloyd, cheers:
"Yipppie!"
6. STAYING ALIVE (1983): A decade before
Showgirls, John Travolta Elizabeth Berkley-ed his career by letting
Sylvester Stallone direct him in this misbegotten sequel to
Saturday Night Fever. Travolta would be wandering in the
baby-talking hinterland for a decade before resurrecting his iconic
persona with Pulp Fiction.
HOW BAD IS IT REALLY:
Stallone's brother Frank supplies the music. Apparently Sly was
saving his own vocal prowess for Rhinestone.
5. SPEED 2: CRUISE CONTROL (1997): Laugh all you
want at Keanu Reeves, but the dude wisely turned this follow-up to
his 1994 smash down.
HOW BAD IS IT REALLY: Set
on a cruise ship, it has all the hurtling energy of seeing who
makes it to the buffet first.
4. ALIEN 3 (1992): David Fincher has guts. What
other director would kill off all the characters who survived James
Cameron's enormously popular Aliens in the opening credits?
Fortunately, by the time he made Seven and Fight Club, Fincher had
also developed brains.
HOW BAD IS IT REALLY: The
alien has more charm than the bald, British space prisoners
Sigourney Weaver's Ripley finds herself stranded with.
3. ANOTHER 48 HOURS (1990): Or Another Two Hours
Of My Life I'll Never Get Back. Eddie Murphy, bloated by fame and
power, re-teams with Nick Nolte for a sequel to the 1982 action
thriller that made him a box-office superstar. But the only
chemistry here is between Murphy and his ego.
HOW BAD IS IT REALLY: Not
as bad as Murphy's directorial debut, Harlem Nights. So in other
words, atrocious.
2. GHOSTBUSTERS II (1989): A listless rehash made
by bored gajillionaires, this sequel follows the template of the
original -- reducing the characters to laughed-at underdogs --
without retaining any of its charm or inventive playfulness.
HOW BAD IS IT REALLY: Bill
Murray will prostrate himself for Garfield sequels, but refuses to
ever become a ghostbuster again.
1. BATMAN AND ROBIN (1997): A contender for Worst
Movie Ever, this sequel (written by The Da Vinci Code's Akiva
Goldsman) makes Will & Grace look butch and is highlighted by
such retina-searing sights as George Clooney's rubber nipples,
chunky Alicia Silverstone being shoehorned into her Batgirl outfit,
Arnold Schwarzenegger delivering appalling one-liners such as
"Chill!" (he's Mr. Freeze) and Chris O'Donnell. Yes -- Chris
O'Donnell.
HOW BAD IS IT REALLY:
Director Joel Schumacher -- responsible for the Bat-franchise's
shift from Goth gloom to cartoony camp -- has become the Internet
generation's Ed Wood.
BEST SEQUELS EVER
Sometimes the second or third time really is the charm, as
evidenced by these sequels, all of which are better than their
predecessors:
1. The Godfather Part II
2. The Empire Strikes Back
3. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
4. Terminator 2: Judgment Day
5. Aliens
6. Gremlins 2
7. Spider-Man 2
8. Mission Impossible III
9. Kill Bill Volume II
10. The Road Warrior
(source: Canoe Jam)
