Found this on Yahoo. I kind of second 'His Take'. What's your
view then?
Q: I'm in a terrible quandary. I'm 32 and ready to settle down, and
I've been dating my boyfriend for three years. The good news is the
sex is great, he treats me like gold -- and we went ring shopping a
few weeks ago. But the bad news is that I fear we're not compatible
intellectually. We don't read the same books, and don't share any
of the same cultural reference points. Everyone keeps telling me
that it's OK -- even preferable -- to have different interests from
your spouse. But what if we end up with nothing to say to each
other in five years? I don't want to marry the wrong man just to
get married. -- Gold Medalist?
A: HER TAKE: There are so many ways to be successfully married. And
there's a downright obnoxious myth in this country that one's
spouse should be everything -- from passionate, lifelong,
monogamous sex partner to childrearing companion, intellectual
equal, soul mate
did I skip anything? This is an impossible
expectation to put on one human. The truth is, if you've got two or
three of those going, you're in decent shape. As for the rest,
that's why we have friends, family, neighbors, romance novels, and
the porn industry.
That said (and you knew there was a disclaimer, right?) there are
certain ingredients most relationships need to have a reasonable
chance of succeeding. And the fact that you're so worried about
yours makes me worry about it, too. (It also makes me think you're
smart. If everyone thought this hard before saying "I do," maybe
half the marriages in this country wouldn't end in divorce.) It's
fine not to read all the same books (frankly, I'd worry if you
did). But let me ask: Is there another hobby he might have --
building large installations, programming small gadgets -- that
makes him interesting in other ways? I'm not sure what you mean by
not having the same cultural references, but if it means you're
well educated or from wealth while he's a simple guy from Podunk
again, not saying it can't work, but it's a definite obstacle. To
me, compatibility is huge -- less intellectually, perhaps, than in
terms of sensibility. Do you respect the way the other sees things?
Do you make each other laugh? Do you light up when you see him? If
so, who cares if you read Proust while he struggles to decipher TV
Guide? But if not, it might be time to get on with your search for
Mr. Right.
A: HIS TAKE: Look, I'm a big fan of marriage, but here's the thing:
Once you're married, and especially once you have children, how you
treat each other may begin to slide. Maybe your boyfriend will be
the sort who bucks the trend, and continues to treat you "like
gold" until death do you part. But for many men, the courtship,
however sincere it may be, is first and foremost about attracting
the mate. So the way he acts pre-marriage is not necessarily the
way he will act post. I'm not suggesting that some
Jekyll-and-Hyde-like transformation will take place. It's more that
he could slip from Jekyll, who bought you flowers and chocolate
every week, to Jekyll Lite, who's still a good guy but doesn't
necessarily have the energy to continue wooing you now that you're
both blessed with jobs, a mortgage, kids, and spreading
waistlines.
All of which is to say: Intellectual compatibility matters. Because
if and when the gold treatment does start to fade, you'll still
have the same ironic sense of humor to share, the same books to
discuss, the same opinion of global warming to chew over. It's not
that you have to have the same taste in food, art, or home decor.
But having large tracts of overlapping brain and soul can save and
enrich a marriage more than all the flowers and chocolate in
France. And being so in sync that your interests, tastes, and
opinions are able to change and evolve together -- without leaving
the other person behind -- is what will make your marriage
last.
