Post-Election Round Up

kopiosatu SG

By Pak Cham Kai on Sunday, May 07, 2006 (86 reads)
Topic: Politics

Wow, its been a hectic weekend for the country! Talk about being literal: when Singapore holds general elections, we actually elect generals!

But joking aside, our deepest congratulations to all parties and all the civil serpents, polling and counting agents for their hard work, even if its to just maintain our status quo. Were really a hentak kaki country, arent we? All that legwork, and even those constituencies with no walkover are still stuck in square one!

Oh well, maybe thats too cynical. Maybe change is still possible. Already we can see some movements in the wake of the elections and heres a brief roundup:

Ministry of Education Lowers A1 Grade to 66.6 Marks

Following the elections, one of the bold new moves by the Ministry of Education is to lower the A1 distinction grade from 75 marks to 66.6 marks.

One of the complaints we kept hearing from citizens was how tough our exam system is and how everything in life depends on our exam results, said Minister of Education Tarzan Shanmugaratnam. Well, the Government is listening to the people, and to ease the pressure on our schoolchildren, weve decided that whoever scores 66.6 marks will be considered to have scored a distinction instead of a mediocre B3 grade like before.

SDP Consoles Dr Chee with Special Cake

After their dismal performance in the recent elections, the Singapore Democratic Party consoled their leader, Dr. Chee Soon Juan, by baking a cake specially named for him.

The Chee Cake is a confection thats deeply symbolic, said SDP spokesman Koh Soo Leow. For one thing, its full of half-baked ingredients.

The Chee Cake also features a special photograph of the SDPs Central Executive Committee. According to Mr. Koh, Despite the ditch hes driven us into, we want to show him that were still behind him. Hence the cake features a photo of all our behinds.

Mr. Koh also denied that NSP candidate Steve Chia is one of those posing in the photo.

Instead of the Chee Cake, the SDP had also considered serving humble pie, but Dr. Chee refused to eat it.

PM Spotted About Town With His Mandate

The Prime Minister has been spotted about town with his mandate.

Said visiting Australian tourist Mr. Desker Rhodes, Yeah, I saw your PM walking about with his mandate. I thought hed be with a woman date, but his date looked like a man to me. Strewth, hes serious about liberalizing, ennit, if hes goin all brokeback.

Gomez No-Show at WP Party

In other news, James Gomez apparently didnt show up at the Workers Party celebrations as he said his invitation card had mysteriously gone missing.

In breaking news, Mr. Gomez has apparently just been detained by the police for criminal intimidation. It is not known exactly what criminals will be coming to intimidate him. (Are you sure about this? Ed.)

kopiosatu SG

eh why photo cannot be posted one???

audlenelee SG

too obscene for this forum?
Laughing

kopiosatu SG

yah lor.. its just for THAT word!

kopiosatu SG

NUS to Launch Minor in Form Filling for Political Science Majors
by Chee Ken Wing

In response to the increasing need for candidates to correctly fill and submit their forms in order to stand for elections, NUS dean of Political Science Professor Wah Biang Eh announced today that Political Science majors will be given the option to minor in Form Filling with immediate effect.

"The intricacies of filling in and submitting the correct forms for every election are highly stressful," said Prof. Wah in a hastily-arranged press conference. "We've seen how certain candidates run into problems time and again in the run-up to the elections. Sometimes they forget to fill in the constituencies they're contesting. Other times they don't have duplicates of the forms they need. Yet at other times they get a shock when elections officials say their forms haven't been submitted."

Prof. Wah explained that students who minor in Form Filling will take courses that cover the ins and outs of Political Donation Forms, Minority Community Status Forms, Certificates of Eligibility, Rally Site Booking Forms, Nomination Forms, Presidential Election Forms, Rally Speech Permits, and Permits to Apply for Permits (PAP).

Mr. Games Jomez, a 6th-year undergraduate studying at NUS hailed the new minor, claiming that he had submitted his application form for the programme last week, although he conceded it was equally possible that hed just left it in his briefcase or his dog ate it or something, lah!

Another student hopeful was Mr. Kimmy Gan, who said that he was interested in learning more about how to ensure elections officials would properly file submitted forms instead of hide them in some dark corner. He was shocked to learn that even ruling party MPs faced form submission problems themselves, and suggested that NUS offer a minor in Form Submissions instead.

Prof. Wah also hinted that NUS would soon launch a Masters in Political Science (Elections Engineering) to cater to postgraduate students who intend to play an active role in organizing elections. Pork-barrel Politics, Gerrymandering, Internet Elections Advertising, Defamation Law, Formulating Complicated Elections Procedures, Misplacing Submitted Election Forms, and Creating Pointless Forms (CPF) are among the courses that are likely to be offered.

"Our postgraduate programme is of first-world standard. Nobody teaches this kind of thing anywhere else in the world," said Prof. Wah as he gave reporters a wide smile.

the Bear SG

hey aud! long time no see Wink

anyway, i loved that "mandate" gag.. in many ways coz that "wife" of his Laughing

kopiosatu SG

non political -

Speak Mandarin Campaign Criticized by Speak Good English Movement
by Kway Png

The Speak Good English Movement launched an attack today on the Speak Mandarin Campaign for their ungrammatical slogan, Hua Yu Cool.

Said SGEM spokesman Colonial, sorry, Colonel (NS) Chia Kan Tang, We are rather disappointed that our compatriots in the struggle for language purity have opted for such mongrel conjugation. Here we are, striving so hard to eradicate non-English elements, and our Chinese counterparts go ahead and use linguistic miscegenation to create positive associations.

At the very least it should be hua yu IS cool, continued Colonial Chia. But really, isnt it bizarre that to seem cool, Mandarin has to employ an English word, and an Americanism at that? If Mandarin really IS cool, it should be hua yu leng or something, am I not right? What would it say about our campaign if our slogan was English bang?

To which Speak Mandarin spokesman Miss Chee Na Piang responded by saying, Ha? Your Engrish so cheem, wo men catch no ball.

She then said something in Mandarin, which our English-ed Mission School reporter believes can be loosely translated as Take that fucking potato out of your mouth, you fucking colonized retard, so you can kiss my motherfucking ass. (You sure about this? Ed.)

kopiosatu SG

i've never seen his wife before actually... really 'man' ah?

audlenelee SG

*waves*

the Bear SG

hope you had breakfast Laughing

kopiosatu SG

WAH LAO EH!!!!!! any children?

the Bear SG

*waves back*

Wink

av98m SG

I always mistakenly refer to his wife as "Mr Ho" Laughing

kopiosatu SG

what ho are you referring to? Laughing surname or the slang for wh0re? Twisted Evil

av98m SG

Eh, don't insult whores ok? They're much better looking! Mad Laughing

kopiosatu SG

i remember after the last elections, i got this sms...

its about Dr Chee losing the election. as he was going off after giving his closing speech, his supporters bade farewell to him

"Dr Chee Bye! Dr Chee Bye!" Laughing

av98m SG

He probably got that a lot when he was in school as well. Laughing