Will you love that child the same?

Kan_i SG · 2006-02-16T20:31:49+00:00

let me say that you men are better man that i. Especially sherling22 for actually staying with wife inorder to raise the child. Naturally i see complications...

Kan_i SG

This has always been an interesting topic of discussion which is always controversial. Take a little time to think before saying "yes". I understand that many of you including myself may be too young and inexperience in life to answer truthfully.

"What would you do if the woman you love, tells you that the child you have thought was yours after many months or years even is not indeed yours?"

browniebaobao SG

for man, they have their pride.. might not be able to accept, knowing that he probably had been made a cuckold or taken advantage of..

but for women, i think we are more able to accept a child who is not our own and treat it as one.

after months/years of living with that child, there will be feelings wan mah.. does it matter whether he is ur own or not?

Fatum SG

Ignorance is bliss .....

in anycase, love is not a switch you can turn on or off just like that eh .... I think many guys will still love the wifey and the child just the same .....

SGpork SG

after many years then know..such a big blow..so sudden
might not able to take it..but later on..maybe ...slowly can accept..

very hard to say..

laurence82 SG

Man wont show love so much?

My dad's cousin, ie my uncle, had divorced his wife many years ago. The wife doesnt want their daughter, and the dad wanted his daughter to live with him. But too bad, the Malaysian law only allows children to be with their mother till they are of age.

Similarly, i can say that, because of the greater number of entry of ladies into the workforce, the career minded females might find child keeping a burden or mind child who is not of her own.

Kan_i SG

ahhh yes pride... i doubt that if your husband turn up 1 day and said "honey these kids are from my other wife and i want them in our family now" you will accept it?

And i disagree with you totaly that a woman is more willing to accept a child as their own. I think the opposite is more true. As we guys can never know that a child is ours... our love for a child is a trust of our wife.

Which brings me to the point that a guy can never know whether the child is truly theirs. I know there are paternaity tests now you can perform, but that breaks up a marriage. So there is absolutely no way for a guy to find out that the child is theirs with out breaking up the marriage. You must trust your wife.

sherling22 SG

i would love the child the same but i would hate the woman.

in fact, loving the child is the most easy part. to support my claim that i will love the child the same, i must let the child grow up in an intact family. to learn to live with someone who lies to u for such a big issue and long time is a torture, and for the sake of the child, it doesn't do the child any justice if i hv to divorce her.

Kan_i SG

You are indeed a kind woman. What if she wasnt dead? And i have seen step children treated unequally by so called loving step mothers.

No i am not talking about prior children... i am talking about pure deceipt.

oldbreadstinks SG

i'm still young and unmarried but for this situation i can comfirm that i will definately not be able to take the news. i can accept that the kid's not mine if it happens before i know her. but if we're already an item /married and she sleeps around to the point when she's pregnant how can i forgive her?
if i were to find out , a divorce is the only answer, as for the kid , i doubt very much i would hate him\her but i would find it hard to talk or even look at him/her ever again

elindra SG

I don't think I can handle it if SO comes to me now and tells me that another woman have his child now. If is a child before our marriage I can still accept but not now when we are married.

Actually for me, I think I may forgive him overtime for not being faithful, but I don't think I'll be big hearted enough to accept the child as his/her presence will only serve as a reminder of his mistake.

browniebaobao SG

i think u meant 'deceit'.

if she wasn't dead, i will ask why he bring the children back.

but if u mean he's been unfaitful and cheating on me after our marriage, then no way i can forgive him. Will ask for a divorce. Not that I cannot accept the children, they are innocent. It's just that I cannot accept the fact that he have been unfaithful to me all these years.

Rhonda SG

Babies and children are innocent. Whether they're borne out of wedlock, or in an illicit and adulterous affair, the babies / kids remain innocent.

If I were a husband and my wife would come up to me to say that the child that I've thought of as mine all along turns out to be another man's, due to an adulterous affair she had after marriage, I would hate the woman for her infidelity and for cuckolding me, (sorry, pretending to be a guy with a manly ego here! Razz ), but it would be hard for me to hate the child that I've brought up and loved all these years as my very own. Afterall, the child did not ask to be conceived in this sinful manner so it's really not his/her fault. Yes, I will continue loving the child because it is possible to love children who are not your own flesh and blood as your own, but I do not think I can continue living under the same roof with the unfaithful woman. Razz

Now, for the reverse situation... if I were the wife and my husband came up to reveal that he has a child, it would depend... was it before or after marriage. If it was before marriage, I'd ask why he had to withold the truth till now. Such issues should rightfully be discussed after marriage. I'll definitely smart from the shock and hurt, but I suppose in time to come, I'll accept that and will want to get to know the child and slowly play a more active part in his/her life, depending on how his/her mom feels about it.

If it was a child conceived whilst being married to me, woe to him!! Evil or Very Mad All trust is broken and there really is no excuse for cheating behind my back and I have zero tolerance for infidelity. I will pack up and leave, and make a call to the lawyers to prepare the papers.

I've always thought that after marriage, I'd either remain childless, or adopt a child. It is possible to love a baby / child who is not your own.

Kuali Baba SG

I’d still love the child we brought up…but it’d be more difficult to forgive if it wasn’t a case of adultery rather than rape. (That doesn’t mean it isn’t possible, even if I’m very hurt by the breach of trust)

gentlerock SG

I actually knew a case like that.

One of my married friends (a nurse in her late 20's) had an affair (with a doctor in his early 30's) after marriage. The usual excuse of husband always being in a hurry to satisfy himself and not her, etc. In her extra-marital romps, she always used a barrier. Doctors must be trained to get around barriers because thats what happened - she got pregnant and gave birth to a boy.

She never suspected anything till the boy was over 1 year old, when something (I forgot what) made them bring the boy for a blood group test or DNA test or whatever (I forgot what too).

Oooooh, it was a rude shock to her poor husband, who immediately divorced her. Lots of problems with some people wanting to claim the boy, some people wanting to claim the costs of bringing up the boy, some people not having anything to do with it, etc etc. The boy became an outcaste to some and a commodity to others.

My only involvement was to accompany her and her boy to the lawyer's office to sign the divorce papers + pin the boy down on the sofa and threatened to tickle him while she talked with the lawyer ('cos the boy was really active and likes running around). It was a very sad case.

If it were me, I don't know if I can love such a child (as per your scenario) as if he's my own.....but I know I can never reject him or prevent giving him the life every child deserves. If I knew the father and can accept his character, it would probably make things easier for me. The fear I have is that living together for so many years, there are bound to be times of temper.....and thats when we may accidentally blurt out something we shouldn't.

(To me, this is different from adopting a child, or being a willing step-parent).

littlestream SG

Wah, kan_i.............shaping to be Jerry Springer of Club 30? This type of topics usually found in his shows wor. Razz

My take is, it depends. It depends on the length of time that the father/child have been together. It depends on the relationship that they have.

If father/child have been together for many years and have built a healthy relationship, I think he will continue to love the child but relationship with the wife will not be the same anymore.

By the way, who's the suspect/culprit??? Mr. Green Just kidding! Wink

ShrodingersCat SG

Hmmm..... as discussed by wives above, if it happened before marriage, I think I can accept the child.

if it happened after marriage, i can accept the child IF the real mother totally doesn't want it, but not the existence of a relationship outside of the marriage. E.g. If it was a one night stand and short affair, If the woman he had an affair with does not want the child at all, and he is grovelling and contrite that he will be breaking off the entire thing and beg me (NOTE the grovel, contrite and beg) the child is not to blame for the adult's problems... actually I think I will feel tt the child and me are both in the same boat ~ child is abandoned by real mother, and I have been 'betrayed' by my husband ~ even.

Rhonda SG

Hmm... very novel way of looking at it, but there's a lot of truth in that! Wink

Rhonda SG

Wow... a real-life case. Neutral It must have been extremely messy. I just hope that the poor kid comes out of it unscathed. Afterall, he's a totally innocent 'victim'. Sad

choco B SG

If I can forgive what the husband has done, I should be able to accept the child. If I cannot forgive, I would reject the child. I guess there is some sympathy for the child, but then taking in a child isn’t as straight forward as – opening your arms and he will fall right into them with love and gratitude. He would be a stranger to me, it would take alot to grow to love him and vice versa.

Kan_i SG

lol sorry to disapoint but no culprit Laughing