How comfortable are you REALLY with your partner?

Kan_i SG

Laughing just means he loves u enough to ignore it
that or he wants something in return Mr. Green

choco B SG

Laughing believe me he is not the "just ignore it" type when it comes to odd smells
Yeah maybe he wants free farting rights in return Haahahah eeeeeeeeeww!

ShrodingersCat SG

Didn't say anything about it being wrong ah - i am just saying it can be inconvenient. Because our cat litter bin is occupying half our toilet, when we are alone at home, sometimes we don't bother closing the toilet door etc etc. Maybe it is cos we live in a 3 room flat with 2 pets, and our doors are mostly propped open with stoppers real hard to prevent the doors from slamming in case our cats decide to saunter in, plus lazy lah. Basically we don't have much private space so thankfully neither of us need a lot of privacy.

However, your post do beg the question - does a desire for privacy compromise on intimacy and understanding?

It really depends on how private and how much alone space you need I guess. And if there is a part of you that you can't share with your partner (and sure, there will definitely be a part you can't share, and I am not talking about bodily functions here)and you prefer to keep private, it is also the part he/she will never be privy to and may never understand. To push it to extremes, it's kind of like those wives of murderers who are stunned that their partners have this part of them that they never realise, despite day in day out living with them....

But its true ba.. despite the intimacy, sometimes the partner is always the last the know.

ShrodingersCat SG

Hee.. true true.. nodnod.. also I guess it is a matter of time ba.. some things you learn to live with because of love... 35 years down the road, the really icky thing is when you accidentally put on his false teeth instead of your own.. or something like that.hurhurhur.

Rhonda SG

My need for private alone time does not compromise on the emotional intimacy I used to share with my ex's.

It's just that some of us are brought up to think certain acts are 'crass' and cannot shake that off when we're grown up.

Now that I live alone, I do stuff without closing doors. Laughing Razz Embarassed

When closely attached, I will do some stuff openly, others not so. Things like digging noses, etc. why would I want to subject someone that I love to the yucky sights? Razz

In my line of work, I have more than my fair share of yucky sights from my patients, sometimes more than you can ever imagine! Laughing I have no qualms about rolling up my sleeves and doing my job to help them and sometimes, it can be really yucky muck! (Imagine cleaning up a deranged patient who just played with his stools and have smeared it all over himself and the bed and is having so much fun he's also trying to smear it all over the staff! Razz ) When it comes to body secretions, every nurse is extremely well-acquainted with it! Laughing We're also very acquainted with seeing male and female patients peeing and pooing and what-not. Males doing the M thang with their busy hands, etc... yeah... seen it all! Razz

Once again, the ability or inability to do the things you've listed in no way compromises on the closeness and intimacy a couple enjoys.

For me, it's out of respect that I'd like to keep some things private. Having private spit contests with my SO to see who can spit the furthest, sure! Squeeze blackheads, sure! I like to play beautician sometimes! Laughing Digging my nose in full sight in his presence... never! Mr. Green

ShrodingersCat SG

Just to quote my post...>>And if there is a part of you that you can't share with your partner (and sure, there will definitely be a part you can't share, and I am not talking about bodily functions here)and you prefer to keep private, it is also the part he/she will never be privy to and may never understand.

Yah sure.. i totally agree that some people, like you, are brought up to think that some acts are crass heheheh and some, like me, are simply crass lah! Laughing But my point is not about body functions anymore leh.

For example, if you are attached to someone who cherishes his own time a lot, thus, say every week he insists that he MUST have 2 nights off where you cannot question where he is, it is just his own private time for him to get in touch with himself. Will that compromise on the ability to understand your partner if your partner is like this? Will you accept with equanimity that this person needs to spend time alone, without question? How much privacy can be tolerated until it encroaches on the threshold of a relationship's sharing and trust?

And when i say 'you' its not a generic 'you' not pinpointing at anyone wor. Heheh better specify Rolling Eyes

Gedanken SG

Hmm. Pretty much everything mentioned so far is OK. However, one of my pet peeves is reading over someone’s shoulder, and that’s still a no-no for me.

Rhonda SG

My mom and dad are close, but when mom wants to go out with her friends, she gets her alone time, and when dad wants the same, he gets it too. Out of respect for each other, they'll say who they're going out with and what they'll be doing. They don't question each other in detail. I like that kind of freedom and mutual respect.

Some of us need our private time to think about stuff, to just enjoy the peace and solitude, to calibrate our internal radars... stuff like that.

It depends on how the need is communicated, of course. If the other party is assured that should there be an urgent need to, one is contactable even during one's private time, things should be fine. I guess one has to work out with one's SO how this issue should be handled so that no one feels upset over it.

My ex and I gave each other a lot of alone time. During the alone time, I got to catch up with my other friends, spend time doing my hobby, pay more attention to my cats, etc. Sometimes, indulge in whimsical stuff like sitting by the wide open kitchen windows, enjoying a nice glass of iced lemon tea, looking at the stars and just daydreaming. Mr. Green

All said, if a guy is so insecure that he can't even bear the thought of me going off for a few hours of alone time, then he's really not my type! I won't be able to tahan the sticky-ikky sort who clings to you 24/7! Razz And yes, I have shirked off such guys before back in my schooldays! Laughing The recollection still makes me shudder! Razz Twisted Evil

ShrodingersCat SG

Ooh.. I guess I didn't classify spending time apart as private time, just freedom from each other. Definitely a couple should have the freedom (and independence) to spend time with friends or do whatever they want. (e.g. hubby not in living room watching tv and me in computer room playing computer hee). A healthy normal relationship doesn't need a couple of stick to each other!

Rather, I refer to private time as time spent that is private FROM your partner - meaning your partner is not privy to how you spend your time and privacy referring to things which you do not share with your partner at all and should not need to explain to him/her because it is private to you.

E.g. I have a friend who is an artist and have those type of temperament and she needs a lot of private time. She doesn't like to explain to people what she needs to do in order to 'discover' or watver she does to fuel her artistic inclinations, because if work is in progress, she doesn't liek to talk about it. She also cannot predict when one of these moments comes when she suddenly becomes uncontactable for a day or two. While her friends accept her 'disappearances', Unfortunately, this has caused stress to her relationships, despite her reassurances that she is not UP TO anything unfaithful or illegal or watever. She cannot understand why her need for this privacy cannot be respected and accepted.

Lingos SG

This thread is weird.

choco B SG

Yeah... but thinking about it again, it's risky to take this for granted Confused I mean what if you never ever grow to adapt

Kan_i SG

Look first and foremost I do find it strange how you can want "private" time and still want a close relationship, with deep trust. If you do trust each other then there is no reason why you should feel that you are being interogated when he or she asks, "what do you get up to when i am not around"

If you do indeed want private time, you better be damned sure you choose a partner who understands that and also understands private time is not "do what you want" time. Ofcourse i generalise and you may be opened to such relationships.

ShrodingersCat SG

Originally posted by Kan_i:

Look first and foremost I do find it strange how [b]you can want "private" time and still want a close relationship, with deep trust. If you do trust each other then there is no reason why you should feel that you are being interogated when he or she asks, "what do you get up to when i am not around"

If you do indeed want private time, you better be damned sure you choose a partner who understands that and also understands private time is not "do what you want" time. Ofcourse i generalise and you may be opened to such relationships.[/b]

heehee.. WAAA so many 'yous' i assume the 'you' you are talking about is not me, but since u quoted my post its kinda weird. But anyway I dont have issues with privacy with my partner... hurhurhur.. except when he demands i go elsewhere to fart or something when I ate something REAL baaaad.

But.. the thing is.. some people apparently DO want this form of privacy - I don't get it either. i.e. in Japan, there is a trend of married couples keeping different rooms and different lives and they believe it keeps their love 'fresher' as if they are still dating. So.. takes all types of make the word ah!

ShrodingersCat SG

Therefore, start him off with mild drooling... and toilet train him (to clean the toilet i mean) about 2-3 years down the road. The mucus can wait till he reaches tolerance maturity or when he is completely desensitised. HEHEHHE

Rhonda SG

I think it's disrespectful to one's partner if one just disappears without even bothering to inform the poor partner where and what he/she will be doing and roughly when he/she shall return home. Razz

However, I think that having personal time is healthy for all relationships. You need this time to reflect on things, to think, or to just enjoy the solitude.

Even after marriage, I hope that we'll have a His and Her Study Rooms. That shall be the place where I retreat to study (I do plan to further my studies) or write. That shall be the place where I have my recipes strewn all over the place whilst I make feeble attempts and re-attempts to organise them and put up some semblance of database from 'em! Laughing It shall also be the place where I have my props for creating that children's website using my Sylvanian Families dollhouses and stuff that I've been DYING to do for donkey years now. And if I ever decide to take the bold step of learning how to sew, that shall also be my sewing room cum hobby room (cause I do have a lot of hobbies that I pick up time and again! Wink )

Having my own pursuits does not mean that I'm isolated from my partner. It just means that I'm a three-dimensional individual who can be one entity with him and yet, I'm also able to stand-alone. I can live alone, but I love him so much that I want our lives to merge.

Being a couple doesn't mean you have to spend all your waking hours together. Razz That's... scary! Laughing Razz Kinda makes me feel claustrophobic already! Razz

It's odd... my Caucasian friends respond to this with a 'but of course!' but most locals would glare at me and think I'm some weirdo. Razz

ShrodingersCat SG

i think the primary reason being most local people live in homes that don't permit them to have HIS and HERS study room. Such as yours truly. And imagine if you have kids. U will need kids room, his study room, hers study room, bedroom, that makes the average Singaporean family needing a 5 room flat minimum.

ouch. Sad

Rhonda SG

That's why, I think I don't wanna have kids! Mr. Green

SydneyLibrarian SG

Exactly what my mum stresses that all couples should do time and again. I believe it's good to spend time apart every now and then so the relationship doesn't crumble.

ShrodingersCat SG

Actually i find it odd too ... that only ur caucasian friends think this way leh. Most of my friends are locals, and most are generally very independent whether in a relationship or even after getting married. Independence without compromising the emotional quality of their relationship.

In fact, it has been a long time since I met anyone who thinks that being in a relationship means need to be 247 stuck with each other, or everytime go out MUST be like Siamese twins, or cannot have hobbies or social life of their own etc etc.

Maybe our demographics of friends are different Smile but these are all very ordinary Singaporeans leh.

Rhonda SG

Told you that the bunch of peeps I work with right now are very... erm... 'different'.

Laughing

Twisted Evil

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