For you lot who love them MCPs or ubersexuals or whatever, heres
30 funny facts about the most ubersexual male on the planet, Chuck
Norris.
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never
cried.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the
probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
4. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see
Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
5. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good
looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the
transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the
face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony,
couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They
now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
6. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
7. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
8. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
9. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his
closet for Chuck Norris.
10. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got
one.
11. Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more
testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
12. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck
Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and
aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body
by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
13. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop
the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets
with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer
amazement.
14. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.
Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
15. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
16. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied,
"Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of
his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only
thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck
Norris.
17. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he
gets the information he wants.
18. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent
the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
19. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like
Chuck Norris.
20. As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent
tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns
gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and
untied team in professional football history.
21. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck
Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck
Norris
22. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot
belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you
park there.
23. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
24. Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by
"knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
25. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
26. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
27. Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck
Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car
accident.
28. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks
aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by
historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
29. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with
ancestry, the man ate a fucking Red Indian.
30. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could
tell them there was a stripper in it.
