Taken from TODAY online 28 June
2005
I Say: To love ... is to
obey
Frances Ong Hock Lin
Seventeen years ago, my unhappy father walked me down the aisle in
a Katong church. He was about to hand over his daughter to a man
who eagerly grabbed her arms, as if to make sure the bride would be
given away.
My father left midway through the ceremony to drown his sorrows
at the famous Marine Parade Satay Stall.
But it was my grandfather who had the greatest impact on our
marriage.
He told me that people used to marry to fall in love, but that
people now fall in love to get married. He saw marriages going up
in smoke after the initial passions burned out. He believed that a
wedding is only a day, but a marriage is a lifetime.
He was match-made to my grandmother, a great cook, and he surmised
that she would support him in whatever he did. I have never seen
them quarrel.
From her, I learned how to make a husband happy. She saved the best
meat for him, and would eat only when he was at the dinner table.
Even after slaving the whole day over a hot stove, she would be
bathed and powdered when he returned from work. And his slippers
and a glass of water were always there to welcome him.
My grandfather, who knew I was an outspoken and stubborn child,
worried that having a university education might make it difficult
for me to submit to my husband.
Growing up in the 1970s, with women fighting for equal rights, I
was at first shocked by what he advocated. I fought a good fight at
university, debating with my male tutorial mates.
At work, I do not believe in the glass ceiling for women, and do
not see myself as weaker then men.
But it was in the home context that I realised my grandfather's
foresight and wisdom.
A marriage is not an equal partnership, where a couple are looking
constantly to ensure that everything is divided 50-50. That makes
us calculative and mean, and reduces the marriage to a conditional
clause: As long as he lives up to his end of the bargain, so will
I.
Instead of looking for the right person to be our spouse, we have
to be the right person for them. We have to give 110 per cent
without any conditions or strings attached to the marriage contract
which, hopefully, we enter into with our eyes open.
The marriage vow basically says that even if a husband turns out to
be a scumbag or a couch potato who cares more for Man U than for
his mother-in-law, we still have to accept him.
My husband and I have demanding careers, but when we come home, I
give him a sponge bath even if I am tired. I prepare supper, and
yes, I do peel prawns for him. I do so without asking for anything
in return.
He is the head of the household. When it comes to any major
decision, his vote counts for 60 per cent, and mine for 40 per
cent. My grandfather was right. This is difficult. I find it
challenging to submit to my husband.
But I discovered that once I learned to obey him, it gave him a
greater sense of responsibility, of wanting to take care of the
family even more. In addition, when my children see that I obey
him, they learn to obey him and respect him as a father.
Being the heart of the family, my role is to complement, and not to
compete with, his. I never challenge his views in front of others,
which would make him feel small, insignificant and disrespected. We
try not to fight or quarrel in front of the children.
Yes, we have thought of walking out of this marriage many times,
but then we remembered that we started out with the belief that
divorce was not an option.
We will continue to fight, and our marriage will be a rollercoaster
ride. Given a chance, would I walk down the aisle again to the same
man? Yes, I would, but this time I would obey him the minute he
married me.
The writer, an educator, celebrated her 17th wedding anniversary
this month.
Just wondering what you guys thought of this post. My dad made me
read this article this morning because he knew how headstrong I am
in a relationship, and yes, I expect an equal partnership.
I'll write my views tomorrow since I'm not in the right frame of
mind currently - too tired. Anyway I wonder if she wrote this to
substantiate the fact that this is the correct way to behave in a
marriage, to save her marriage.
