Dear Ah Beng,
My father just handed over his business to me, and I want to follow
his example and run it like a typical fambly-owned Chinese
business. Can teach me how to do it properlee, not? Thank you,
hor.
New Towkay
Dear New Towkay,
Eh, not say I say what, but running a classic Chinese fambly
business is si beh chia lat one. Its a time-honoured tradition and
you cannot anyhow play-play.
But youre lucky. Recently, donno why also, but got a lot of people
call me and say they are now working for a fambly business (some
funny company called Tummy Sick Holdings or something) and want to
know how to do things swee-swee.
Because of the demand, I am going to write a book.
But because you ask so nicely, I give you some basic ideas. But
make sure when my book is published, you faster go buy it, okay?
Otherwise I will send some of my kah kia to come visit you.
Okay. First thing is you are very the lucky to have have a
powderful daddy who owned this business to pass down to you,
otherwise chin kang kor one.
Nowsaday very hard to start a company because of unfair competition
by all these other fambly-owned businesses.
(To everybody else who don't have such fambly connections, you all
better faster give up and start looking for jobs in
Australia.)
First thing first, you must take care of your daddy - give him a
title like Sifu or, in MBA-language, 'mentor'.
Oso, don't forget to reward the stooge your father put in place to
run the company before you came of age. Maybe can give him your
daddy's former title, but make sure he only gets the title and none
of the perks that came with it. Cannot boh tua boh suay, corright
not?
Now to the business - very important this one. You must make sure
that you control the money, because cash is king, what. That's why
in Chinese restaurants, a fambly member always sits at the cash
register. So, not only must you be the CEO, you must be in charge
of finance as well, i.e. the CFO.
For exampur (and exampur only, ah) if the business is a country,
become the Prime Minister AND Finance Minister. You can put the
loyal old ah pek who warm the seat for you a member of the board
(maybe can make him Chairman) but make sure he knows his
limits.
You must also staff his team with your kaki lang. Also make sure
the Board only makes suggestions and recommendations, but you make
final decision.
To make things easier, put your wife in charge of all the
diversified fambly holding companies, with control over the
subsidiaries as well as the investments in other companies.
If you are a classic Chinese businessman, your wife is probably not
a very good manager or maybe she a bit suay and lose a lot of money
before, or like to anyhow buy nonsense. So you must have lots of
yes-men and sar-kah tzuas in your company.
These people will be there to take the blame when she cock up. Also
she can take the credit and be promoted whenever they get things
right.
If you got a younger brother, put him in charge of the largest
subsidiary, the fambly cash-cow that makes the profits for your
enterprise.
Again, you must not forget your father. He should be the grand
Chairman of the secret company that actually controls all the
assets, invested offshore, or deposited in secret banking accounts
worldwide.
Important, hor: under no circumstances must you make the operations
of this company known to your shareholders. Pick auditors and
accountants who are loyal to you. Maybe you got a former jaga? Make
him the 'guardian' of these assets. He should be loyal enough. If
not, you can always slap the mama bugger. If skarly other
independent directors question the value of the assets, tell them
they must wait long-long because it will take many, many man-years
to calculate. Then retire them quietly. Maybe post them to head
your Patpong branch.
As for security, you must have the cooperation of a trusted gang to
do your dirty work. Like Band of Brothers but in your case, the
brothers must be the blood-type.
These people will help you sng seow and do enforcement with chao
kah people.
But must also keep up with the times. Bicycle chains, breaking
peoples' legs, hanging pigs heads on their doors etc. are a bit the
old-fashioned oreddy.
Nowsaday, all bullying and intimidation is done through the legal
process, for exampur, by suing your enemies for defamation or
something and bankrupting them. More cheebilised and cleaner than
having blood and dead bodies all over the place.
So make sure you also got a team of lawyers that are loyal to you.
Maybe you are lucky, and your fambly also own a law firm, better
still.
But what happens if the other side also got lawyers? No problem.
Just make sure you have judges on your side. The best is if you got
an old fambly friend who is a senior judge. If your father knew his
business, he early-early oreddy take care of that.
As for the police, dun worry. Go find a relative, for exampur, an
uncle who used to work with the force, is good enough.
You also need other security people but give them a respectable
title, call them a 'department' like International Services
Department (ISD) or something, and adopt modern marketing
techniques for developing trust and cooperation with business
partners or competitors like the use of high-tech surveillance and
air-conditioning for example. You can sabo competitors by labeling
them as 'Communists', but just be careful you don't do that with
the mainland Chinese, OK? They dun like it.
People who used to work for you in these security departments can
also hepchu do your PR work by working for you in the newspapers or
TV stations, so instead of reporting TO you, they can report good
things FOR you. Remember, PR are the first two letters of the
word propaganda.
Well, this is only a short summary of what should already be
done.
As for what happens next, you must buy my book to find out
more.
But you can take some tips from me. Keep to the basics. Drugs are
good business, just call it 'pharmaceuticals' and you are all set
for the 21st century. Don't forget other traditional samseng
activities like gambling, which is always profitable, so big
projects like starting a casino, should also be on the top of your
list of priorities.
One final word of advice - your fambly business may already have
some established big customers and trading partners, like some
really big-shot towkays, and you must not do anything to sabo those
relationships.
If some of these partners are already in some kind of dispute, for
example, one big firm threatening a smaller spin-off and competitor
for being too 'independent' or donno what, you MUST NOT take
sides.
Stay far, far away. Dontch even visit the smaller company, even if
it's for 'personal' reasons. Otherwise you will be hantam by both
parties, they will call you all sorts of CB names and then you
really kena sai.
So, congratulations, you have arrived. Don't forget to pay yourself
a good salary - a million dollars at least, so I can get a good
'cut' for future advice on your business.
AH BENG