things are really farking up big time for me. first, i have 4
exams hanging over my head and i've only studied half way for one
of them. the rest have to leave to saturday to study. second, there
are two projects and oral presentations clawing away at me and is
the main reason why i cant be studying for my exams until sat. and
finally, the champion of it all, my dad.
now that one's a real bustard. his debtors went to church to chase
him for the money. and it triggered a family meeting where all 3 of
his brothers came to my house to reason with him. the main purpose
of it was to convince him to shut down his business before
incurring even more debts, or at least to fire that asshole of an
employee whom mum feels will suck him dry and kill him and hang him
out to dry. to both accounts, the farker refused. and he got the
cheek to say that he will go to the loansharks if his brothers dun
help him. my uncles shouted at him and made him promise he wun, but
mum says he will do it if he said he will. so on top of all the
study monsters i have to slay, i will now live in constant fear
that one fine day i might be forced into.... the unthinkables. and
you know what's farking hilarious? it's the fact that the whole
extended family can see the doom that my family's sinking into, and
the only way to stop it is to kill the farker.
my first brother has boycotted speaking to the asshole. as have i,
a long time ago. i have seen, from the time he plunged into his
farking business against all disapproval, that he is beyond reason.
no amount of convincing or coersion will slap him out of his pride.
my mum even got fed up with me once cos the farker complained to
her that i am not paying respect to him. PUI!! respect my ass. i
cant even call him "father" without the urge to stick a knife up
his anus. for some time now, i have only been able to grunt out
monosyllabic replies to his questions, like so:
farker: you going to school?
me: mmmm (but i'm going to the movies)
farker: how is your day, daughter?
me: fine (mentally snarling at the "daughter")
farker: why are you not speaking to me?
me: nothing (there, i've spoken to you)
farker: you know, you should take every opportunity to speak with
me (hinting that he will not be around long) (and yes, he's really
said that a couple of times. wad? does he expect me to grovel at
his feet and ask pardon for not worshipping the ground he walks
on?)
me: mmmm (walks off, rolling my eyes big time. this fucker's got an
ego the size of the Andromeda galaxy. who would want to speak to
him when nothing can get past that fucking thick pride of his? say
until like i'm going to regret not talking to him.)
so there, my beautiful undergraduate life. one flowing with milk
and honey. one where you can get a bf from school and go to
lectures and tutorials and labs and movies and lunches with, and
live happily ever after.
you know, i reckon i will not be around much longer. i have been as
strong as i could, always picking up the pieces and wiping all the
tears and snot and carrying on with life in front of my friends as
though nothing big's happening. but now i see it. everytime my mask
breaks down, i can only glue it up that far. i fear that one day,
the pieces will become too small to piece up again. what will
happen then? will it be Goodbye Cruel World? or will it be I Dont
Farking Care Anymore?
i think i should get my ears pierced. and maybe my navel too. and i
wanna highlight my hair. and the peer pressure to join my friends
in their pubbing routine looks very enticing. i should get a guy
and try some premarital (protected) sex sometimes too. maybe i'll
take them two at a time, just to see how it's like. and ah... of
cos... i think i might finally go over and ask for his phone number
and chat him up. it's been a year and a half since i started
crushing on him, afterall. and maybe i'll go get a new set of
wardrobe. you know.... trying out tube tops, miniskirts.
yeah... i might wanna live my life upside down for once. you know,
get a new perspective on life.
alright!!! now i'm going to get off my butt and go to the library
and do some studying. it's a pity the world doesnt stop spinning
when your life stops spinning.
