Paternal bond & paternal instinct
What do we mean by paternal instinct? In what way is it like
maternal instinct, in what way is it different? How could something
masculine be anything like maternal instinct?
We choose this phrase to jump right into the issue of biological
"destiny" - whereby women were "made" to nurture, and men to
provide. This may have been true for our remote ancestors millions
of years ago. But one of the key characteristics of the human race
is our capacity to make ourselves into an ever-evolving
species.
Were human beings meant to live in concrete jungles, to drive cars
and fly planes, to work on computers? We keep adapting to the world
we keep refashioning.
Were women meant to compete in the Olympics and in business, or to
wage war? Who knows, and what's the point?
To our knowledge, no man has ever breast-fed a baby. If this is the
acid test of what a parental instinct is, then men fail it.
Yet, there has always been at least some nurturing from fathers.
And, in our day and age, more and more men are nurturing their
children. When we talk about paternal instinct, it is to call
attention to this dimension in the male psyche and behavior.
We can speculate endlessly about how this instinct came about.
Whatever the reason… does it make it any less true that fathers are
devoted to their children? Does it making any less true that
nurturing children is an important and fulfilling aspect of being a
man?
Is paternal instinct any less authentic, deep and powerful than
maternal instinct?
This is a rhetorical question that aims at resonating with our
conscious or unconscious biases. It asks of us: deep down, when it
comes down to it, who do you believe makes a better parent, a
mother or a father?
This is actually a trick question. To answer it, we have to buy
into its premise - that there is a better parent. Instead of
recognizing that children need both parents.
But… isn't there something special about the mother?
Yes, and there is something special about the father, too.
Culturally, the emphasis on finding the better, more real parent is
very much a relic of our competitive, patriarchal heritage.
Patriarchy is an all-or-nothing proposition: either you're right
(i.e. you're on top), or you're not (you're one-down). It used to
be Father Knows Best. If you affirm the primacy of maternal
instinct, you're saying: Mom Knows Best. You still essentially
affirm the power of one authority, one patriarch.
The emerging post-patriarchal culture is one that values
cooperation. It's about finding ways to get complementary skills to
work together. It's about allowing multiple viewpoints to coexist,
instead of having one truth, one leader-of-the-pack.
The question of whether paternal instinct is any less powerful that
maternal instinct is one that only makes sense within a
patriarchal, all-or-nothing worldview.
What does this mean for fathers, at an individual level?
It is a reminder that we are losing something very real and very
powerful when we feel intimidated by maternal instinct - and the
implication that Mom Knows Best.
While we have to learn from mothers about parenting, we also have a
lot to learn from listening more to our own nurturing side. We have
a lot to gain from letting ourselves trust more and more our own
instinctive and intuitive reactions as parents.
There is a wide open frontier out there, as we keep exploring being
fathers from inside out.