Cheating spouses provide much of the work and income of most
private investigators, and every PI has developed his list of "tell
tale signs of a cheating spouse." Here's a list derived from
articles by private detectives Bob Brown and Edmund J. Pankau, and
female private detective Victoria Frelow of Scotland Yard
Investigations (no, it's not that Scotland Yard).
Note that though I've phrased these points in terms of the husband
as the cheater, most also apply when it's the wife who's
cheating.
From Bob Brown --
- At the beginning of an affair, the husband may actually be more
affectionate than usual due to guilt feelings.
- Later, after the affair has been going on awhile, he often starts
finding fault with the wife as a defensive mechanism (i.e., to
justify the affair in his mind).
- Cheating husbands often lose interest in domestic activities,
such as spending time with the kids, fixing up the house, lawn
care, etc.
- Cheating husbands may have a change in sexuality (i.e., more sex,
less sex) as well as unexplained sexual requests.
- The cheater's relationship with his family will almost always
change, that is, he will tend to become more distant, cold, or
fault-finding (i.e., he starts to blame the family, especially the
wife, for his behavior).
- Financial changes may become noticeable. The wife may notice
unexplained credit card charges or withdrawals from the family's
checking account.
- Grooming habits change. A cheating husband may buy a new wardrobe
or a lot of new clothes, or may just suddenly start to become more
attentive to his personal appearance. The wife may notice frequent
bathing, more careful grooming, a new cologne, a new exercise
program, etc.
- Physical clues to the affair may start appearing, such as
lipstick on shirt collars, perfume odors on shirts or jackets,
secretion stains on underwear. Or the wife may discover pieces of
paper with notes or phone numbers, unexplained match books,
receipts, condoms, etc.
- The husband's driving pattern may change. The wife may find the
car needs gas more often than before or she may monitor the car's
odometer and find the husband is putting a lot of unexplained miles
on the car. Brown recommends that suspicious wives keep track of
the mileage on their husband's car and even monitor the time they
leave for work and the time they come home. "Keep a calendar and
note the times," he says. "This should help establish a pattern. If
your mate claims to be working late, check paycheck stubs to verify
this overtime."
- On occasion, the wife may notice her husband whispering into the
phone. He may look alarmed when he sees her observing him and may
hang up suddenly. There may be abrupt hang ups when she answers the
phone herself. (Want to know who called? If you have touch tone
dialing in most parts of the U.S. you can dial *69 to get the
number.) (1471 in the UK- Editor)
- The wife may find unexplained, repetitive charges on her
husband's mobile phone bill. Often these will be calls her husband
made right after leaving home in the morning and right before
coming home in the evening. According to Brown and most other PI's,
the mobile telephone bill is one of the best ways to catch a
cheating husband. The reason is that the bill for mobile services
lists every single call made (unlike a bill for conventional phone
services, which list only long distance charges). Thus, if you
suspect your husband is cheating, and he doesn't have a mobile
phone, it wouldn't be a bad idea to buy him one.
- Brown comments that "Female cheaters are more discreet in the
selection of a lover. This is most likely because of their concern
about sexually transmitted diseases. Most females are looking for a
longer lasting relationship than a `one night stand.' In past years
men were the aggressors; in society today, with the increase of
women in the work force, women have become equally aggressive." He
also mentions that "When a female is having an affair she tends to
have more of a `glow' about her." (Presumably, when a guy is having
an affair, he doesn't have the glow.)
From Ed Pankau --
The following are possible indications of a cheating husband, says
Ed Pankau:
- Hair gets longer
- Clothes get flashier
- Changes cologne
- Boxer shorts become bikini underwear
- Joins a health club
- Starts a diet
Watch for any changes in his "pattern" of living, says Pankau; this
can alert you to the fact that a new partner or relationship has
entered his life. Among the specific changes to watch for --
1. He changes cologne, clothes, or switches from boxer shorts to
bikini underwear.
2. His daily travel (driving) pattern changes
3. He becomes hard to reach at the office or on the road and starts
coming home at unusual times
4. His spending patterns change; you find unexplained charges on
credit card bills or phone bills (especially mobile phone
bills).
If you become aware your husband is cheating you should consider
following up with targeted surveillance during unaccountable times,
advises Pankau. "Through the conduct of thousands of divorce cases,
I have found three main areas of investigation common to these
matters: background, financial, and child custody investigations,"
he says. "Each of these investigations has a specific goal and
requires the proof of different facts."