I found this quite funny - from the pages of this week's
MacLean's Magazine (a Canadian news magazine, much like
Time):
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Daddy Loves You Like Crazy
An open letter to Tom Cruise's new baby girl
By Scott Feschuk
Dear Suri:
First of all, don't be scared. Mommy's just gone out for a cup of
sane. She'll be back in 20 years.
I hope you don't mind me writing, kid. I realize you've got a lot
on your plate right now -- the crying, the constant sucking on a
bottle, all that shrieking in the middle of the night (in other
words, the kind of behaviour that's completely expected by new
parents and Colin Farrell's neighbours). Plus, I can only imagine
the deluge of presents coming through the door: Lakers tickets from
Uncle Jack, a pony from Mr. Eastwood, the Russell Crowe Film
Collection on DVD from Russell Crowe.
Sure, you're a helpless infant now. But celebrity babies grow up
quickly in Hollywood. Heck, it won't be long before Angelina
Jolie's kids will be knocking on the door and asking if you want to
come out to cure African poverty until the streetlights come
on.
Suri, you are going to live your life in the public eye. This is
unfair but it's the price you pay for having a world-famous
movie-star father. (Yes, technically speaking, Mommy is in show
business as well -- although she's finding that there are a limited
number of roles for women who act exclusively with their
eyelashes.) The bottom line: you're going to need some guidance. I
know your Daddy won't mind me helping you along because he's never
hesitated to tell Brooke Shields and other less obscure pop-culture
figures precisely how not to live their lives.
A few words of warning to begin with:
1. It's easy for rich kids to grow up snotty and rude. Work hard to
be polite. When addressing the gardener, for instance, don't call
him James. Train yourself to refer to him as Mr. Van Der
Beek.
2. Check out the security footage from the front gate. See those
unsightly men with wrinkled shirts and rumpled morals? They're
called paparazzi. It's an Italian word that, roughly translated,
means "those destined to be crotch-hoofed by Sean Penn." These guys
can sell a crummy snapshot of you for tens of thousands of dollars.
That's why the instructors at your Celebrity Mommy and Me class
focus so earnestly on developing that most crucial motor function
-- the extension of the middle finger. Practise it. If you need
remedial help, there's a Learning Annex course on it taught by
Cher.
3. Then there are the tabloids. They will print horrible things
about your family -- like that your Dad is a grade-A nutcase
hopelessly lost in a toxic haze of swaggering self-righteousness.
They may also print some things that aren't true.
Speaking of your father, what can I say about him?
Well, he's totally not gay. That much he's made clear. Just go
ahead and ask him how un-gay he is. (On second thought, don't; he's
very litigious and there are better ways to spend your
allowance.)
What else? Well, Daddy is a very successful actor who has made a
ton of very successful movies and Eyes Wide Shut. And . . . uhhh .
. . Suri, I'm not sure how to put this exactly. It's awkward. It's
just that your father is, well... you know how some people haven't
gone insane? Daddy's not one of them.
It's hard to pin down exactly when Daddy's sense of perspective
went bye-bye. We know this much: your Dad has for a long time been
something called a Scientologist. How influential is your father in
this religious movement? Put it this way: the Church of Scientology
used to be widely regarded with skepticism -- but now, thanks
almost entirely to the efforts of your Daddy, it's openly
mocked!
Frankly, I don't know that much about Scientology. It's got
something to do with aliens, John Travolta and picking a fight with
Matt Lauer. Also, Scientologists strictly oppose the use of drugs
to help overcome mental illness -- as will become obvious to you
when you eventually see the tape of your Dad on Oprah.
But my point is this: there are things you can do to help
rehabilitate your Daddy's public image. For instance, you can wear
a T-shirt that has an arrow pointing to him under the words "I'm
With Not Crazy." Also, whenever he climbs up on the furniture,
press the button on the remote to zap his collar. It's educational
for him and fun for you. Everybody wins.
Above all else, remember that your Dad loves you. And it's because
of your Dad that your surname isn't Federline. So you've got that
going for you, which is nice.
Michele
"It ain't no sin if you crack a few laws now and then, just so long
as you don't break any." - Mae West
