Jokes~~!! Damn funny !!!

last SG · 2005-12-16T05:17:30+00:00

Once there was this Northern Irish catholic girl who left her home, her family was searching frantically for her but finally gave up.... One day after 5 yea...

carpe diem jur SG

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp... blah, blah, blah... This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?

Think of how much concrete... how much steel!! No. Think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women...know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... to know why they're crying, to know what they really want when they say 'nothing' ... to know how to make them truly happy."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

alexkusu SG

So...did Gackt get the bridge? Mr. Green

carpe diem jur SG

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid.", answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What?! There's no pool here?"

Long pause... "Uh .... is this 832-4821?"

carpe diem jur SG

he didnt get the wish !!

carpe diem jur SG

This old timer is sitting on the dock, fishing, when suddenly a frog jumps out of the water and sits by him.
The old guy stares at the frog and the frog says, "Hello"

The old guy's head snaps back in amazement.

"Don't be frightened", says the frog, "I am under a spell. If you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful princess and in appreciation of you breaking the spell I will give you the greatest sex you've ever had. So, c'mon, kiss me, and prepare yourself for some hot sex."

The old guy reaches down, picks up the frog, and puts it into his shirt pocket as he starts walking home.

"Aren't you going to kiss me? asks the frog.

"At my age" says the old timer, "I'd rather have a talking frog."

carpe diem jur SG

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5.00, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.00. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to you question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

carpe diem jur SG

I almost die laughing from this joke !!!!!!

Muahuahaahahar !!!!!!

A female computer consultant is helping a smug man set up his machine.

She asks him what password he'd like to log on with. Wanting to embarrass the woman, he tells her to enter the word PENIS.

Without saying a thing, she keys in the password and almost dies laughing at the computer's reply:

PASSWORD REJECTED - NOT LONG ENOUGH

carpe diem jur SG

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" said the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said, 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.'

And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!" "Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !" The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day." "Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!"

carpe diem jur SG

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top half.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says... "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your nose look too short!"

carpe diem jur SG

Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

carpe diem jur SG

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little bastard on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."

carpe diem jur SG

Hand Language....

Yesterday I was taking a break in the back garden after nasty storms, and my wife upstairs was having a shower.

I couldn't find the rake so I yelled up to her: "Honey, where's the rake?".

She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?".

I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion. My wife wasn't sure and said, "What?". I repeated the gestures: "EYE KNEE THE RAKE".

My wife replied that she understood and signalled back. She first pointed to her eye, next she pointed to her left breast, then she pointed to her bum, and finally to her crotch.

Well, I had no idea what in god's name she was on about, so I trudged up the stairs, poked my head into the bathroom and asked her, "What the hell was that?".

She replied

EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH

carpe diem jur SG

*Without prejudice*

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing their children.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence. The other women were now looking at her, waiting for her reply.

They already knew that her son was not a church going individual.

She finally said, "My son is a gorgeous, 5' 11", hard bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, 'OH My God'!"

carpe diem jur SG

Separation Letter...

Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show

for it. These last two weeks have been hell.. Your boss called to tell
me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last
week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and
nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new
negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to
sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore,
you don't touch me or any thing. Either you're cheating or you don't
love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone. P.S. If you're trying
to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia
together! Have a great life! Your Ex-wife

Dear ex-wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a
far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown
out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when
you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to
mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say
anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite
meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I
stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had
on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed
that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty
dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of
this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I
discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my
job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were
gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the
fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that
you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

carpe diem jur SG

Damn... I cant stop laughing at this !!!

This a phone conversation between two highly intellectual individuals::

Lee Sum Wan : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?

Mr.Saw Lee : Yes, you can speak to me.

Lee Sum Wan : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Mr Saw Lee : You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Lee Sum Wan : I'm Sum Wan .And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Mr. Saw Lee : I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Lee Sum Wan : Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involvedin an accident. Noe wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Mr. Saw Lee : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Lee Sum Wan : You are so rude! Who are you?

Mr. Saw Lee : I'm Saw Lee.

Lee Sum Wan : You should be sorry. Now give me your name.

carpe diem jur SG

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new BMW in front of the
> office,
> ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a runaway truck
> sped by, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's
> door
> of the BMW.
> The lawyer immediately grabbed his mobile phone, dialled 999, and it
> wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the cop
> had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming
> hysterically. His BMW, which he had just picked up the day before, was
> now
> completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body
> shop
> tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from
> his
> rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
>
> "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said.
>
> "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most
> important things in life."
>
> "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
>
> The cop replied, "My God, don't you even realise that your left arm is
> missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"
>
> "My God!" screamed the lawyer...........
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> "Where's my Rolex?!!"

carpe diem jur SG

a priest lost a bird & asked during mass...
Priest: anyone got a bird?
all men stood up.
Priest: i mean, anyone seen a bird?
all women stood up.
Priest: i meant anyone seen my bird?
...all nuns stood up

Laughing

Dentist & Lover....
Dentist: we have 2 stop seeing each other... you're husband is getting suspicious.
Lover: but we love each other!
Dentist: yeah...but were running out of excuses....you're left with 1 tooth!

Arab interview at US immigration:
Q: ur name pls..
A: abdul aziz
Q: sex?
A: twice a week..
Q: i mean male or female?
A: doesn't matter.... sometimes even with camel...

Laughing

u wont believe what things people do these days...
I was sitting next 2 this girl in church & in the middle of the mass
she light a cigaret!

na-shock ako!!!!...

i almost dropped my Beer!

carpe diem jur SG

Tech Support....

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up alot of space and valuable resources. In addition , Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
_____________________________________________________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child
Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support

carpe diem jur SG

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some
cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The
pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you
cyanide to
kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll
throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely
not, you can NOT have any cyanide!" Then the lady reached into her purse and
pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell
me you had a prescription."

carpe diem jur SG

Two rich men were talking over coffee one day and one of them said to
the other one. "Hey I tell you my driver is really stupid. If you don't
believe me I'll show you." He called his driver Ah Beng over and said,
"Ah Beng, here is $10 note, go to the car showroom and buy me a
Mercedes". To which Ah Beng replied, "Yes Sir! Right away, Sir!" and
rushed off to the Showroom.
The rich man then turned to his friend and said, "See I told you he was
stupid." The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you want to see
stupid, I will show you stupid." And he called his driver, Ali.
"Ali, go home now and check to see if I'm at home. " To which Ali said,
"Yes Sir! Right away, Sir!" and ran home. "See what I told you?
He doesn't even have enough brains to know that I cannot be at home if I
am here."
Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Ah Beng said to Ali,"Eh, you
know my boss is sooooooo stupid. He gave me $10 and asked me to go to
the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes.....Doesn't he know that today
is Sunday lah, the showroom is closed!"
Ali replied,"You think your boss is stupid? My boss lagi worse, he asked
me to go home to check if he is at home... He got handphone what, can
just call up to check lah, bodoh!!!"