Dear __, I regret to inform you that you have been
eliminated from further contention as Mr Right. As you are probably
aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of
well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the
final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an
opening become available. So that you may find better success in
your future romantic endeavours, please allow me to offer the
following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.
Tick those that apply… _Your last name is objectionable. I
can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children
to it. _Your first name is objectionable. It’s just not
something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
_The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY
wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a
little tighter! _You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked
you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one
about myself. _Your constant e-mailing shows me you have
TOO much time on your hands! _Your legs
are skinnier than mine. _You’re too short. Any son that we
produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess. I
find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
__The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in
conversation. _You still live with your parents. Although I
do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Alien uniforms a
little disconcerting. _Your frequent references to your
ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of
psychotic stalker. _Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a
trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner. _Your height is
out of proportion to your weight. If you should however, happen to
gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your
application. ___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next
time.
