hatred... no matter how much one hates, they are still
family...
just wish they are doing better so that when i chiong for my
dream, i don't have to keep looking back, worrying and change
course to provide for them. often i am torn between my
aspirations and guilt. i don't know how much proportion is
this guilt self-imposed or imposed by them through their words and
action.
do u know nowadays i no longer share details abt my life with my
family, especially parents. last night, my dad asked me how
come i "don't dare" to tell him what i do. i didn't say it to
him, but it's because in his eyes nothing that i do is good
enough. one evening i was out working, and when i came back
for dinner before going out again, he made sarcastic remarks.
it made me sad n angry cos i was out working to earn money and here
he was looking down on my work. later that night, i didn't do
so well cos my mood spoilt. so many incidents like this
happened, so that i have closed myself to them. over the
years, this affected my character and i become less trusting to
open up to people. have problem getting close to people too
because afraid of being hurt.
anyway, this is the deck of cards that i have been dealt
with. so i hv to learn to do the best with what i have.
i dunno for how long i can live. so far in my life, i can say
i have tried my best to live a life true and honest to
myself. whatever calling i feel, i have put myself out for
it, battling not only internal but also external factors.
whatever the outcome, let it be. most importantly, don't live
a life of regrets
don't care what your father says. they are old and sometimes
talk nonsense. my dad used to talk nonsense too. he always compares
me with my cousins who are lawyers and doctors but i don't feel
inferior at all. i told myself, i am better than my dad because i
feel happier than him. i don't compare myself with others.
my father lives miserably because he likes to compare.人比人气死人.
whenever he compares me with my cousins, i will just switch off,
let him go and nag. i live freely and happily, contended with what
i have. unlike my cousins, some are married into super wealthy
family and i understand that they are under a lot of pressure from
those super wealthy in laws. ha ha ha.
happy or not is up to you, don't let anybody affect you, not
even your closest ones like your parents. in their generation, they
do not know what is happiness and freedom, they only know money and
status.
