MONEY
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to
as
"goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to
come to the
pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for
what was
once called a "shilling" the equivalent of seventeen cents
American.
MAKING FRIENDS
If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a great
"tosser" - he
will be touched. The English are a notoriously tactile,
demonstrative
people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with
your
acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street.
CUSTOMS
Since their Labour government whole-heartedly embraced full union
with
Europe the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental
customs,
such as the large midday meal followed by a two or three hour
siesta, which
they call a "wnak." As this is still a fairly new practice in
Britain it is
not uncommon for people to over sleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not
work there
due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for
supper, simply
apologise and explain that you were having a wnak - everyone will
understand
and forgive you.
RELAXING
One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or
Cambridge
is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed
boats, which
you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging." Many of
the
boats (called "yer-i-nals") are privately owned by the colleges,
but there
are some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell
a
professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some
cottaging and
would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be
treated
with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good
idea to
buy a can of Mazola and have it on you when you ask directions to
the
yerinals. That way people will know you are an experienced
cottager.
FOOD AND WINE
British cuisine enjoys a well-deserved reputation as the most
sublime
gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust
dollar,the
American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a
week (rest
assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon *
for).
Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in
the UK.
The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her
Majesty's
seal, called the British Seal of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a
fine
restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for
anything
less. If he balks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk
your head
imperiously back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who
is boss.
Once the waiter realises you are a person of discriminating taste,
he may
offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British
wines. If
he does not, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow
on the
steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia try an Ely '84
or Ripon
'88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it
will show
a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan
to dine
there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the
restaurant host
will understand that he should run a tab for you.
TRANSPORTATION
London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi
driver
tries to over charge you, you should yell "I think not, you
charlatan!" then
grab the nearest policeman (bobby) and have the driver disciplined.
It is
rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are
required to
make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay your
fare of
thruppence (the heavy gold-coloured coins are "pence"), and state
your
destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Please take me to
British
Library." A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless
fun by
pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination. Ignore him,
as he is
only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you're not
so
ignorant!). For those travelling on a shoestringbudget, the London
Tube may
be the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a
woman.
Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for
free on
the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of
the
escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of
the
state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though,
beware!
Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that
roost in the
tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th
century by
French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The
announcement
"Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your hair and
look
towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by
Gappes,
though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an
otherwise
excellent means of transportation.
AIRPORTS
One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at
Heathrow
airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an
International
Jewish peace organisation - the shin" stands for "shalom"). As
savvy
travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority
treatment as
you make your way through customs.
Safe travels and Bon Voyage!
