(Written to a woman who accidentally walked into a men's
restroom...)
Please don't feel bad, Lady.
It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to
pee on the guy next to him. Heck, we do that all the time. It's
rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go
into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning
around; just so I'll make sure I hit something. You see, something
you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a
mind of their own.
A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are
being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will
still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his
left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little
buggers can't be trusted.
After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer
allowed to pee like a man -standing up. I am required to sit down
and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay.
Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and
either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into
the
toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill
me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but
because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a
classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a rea
problem,and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded
"morning wood".
Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire
to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well,
no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and
if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you
have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn
fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the
toilet.
And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat
covers,the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that
means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the
other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in
here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat
with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress
that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to
pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and
without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries
to whack off your weenie.
So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not
safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my
wife. I told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I
told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down
on the toilet with "morning wood". Well it's is very hard to get it
bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had
pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the
room.
Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down
under the toilet seat, when you
start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom
of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the
back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that
damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in
front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning
urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying
over the toilet seat.This takes a great deal of practice, perfect
balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get
all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.
