The Five Stages Of Drunkeness
Stage 1 - CLEVER
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the
known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass
on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are
always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very
wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are
CLEVER.
Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE
This is when you realize that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in
the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a
perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to
talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can
talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room.
You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless
wallet. You can also make bets at this stage because of course you
are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it
doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also
buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you
are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.
Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone,
especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This
is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up
to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a
battle of wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle,
because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and
you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do
anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table
to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people
in the room cannot see you. You can also snob the face off them for
the same reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to
fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of
your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're
still CLEVER you know all the words.
THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP
Stage 1 - STUPID
As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the
churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realize that you have
lost not only several hours of your life, but also the ability to
concentrate on anything at all. You are now STUPID and will remain
so for a minimum of 12 hours.
Stage 2 - UGLY
Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror, the
first thing you are horrified to discover is that you have now
become even UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only
have you got bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots but
you are shaking so much that your grandfather probably looks
healthier. Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better
than to try to shave while still shaking.
Stage 3 - POOR
Having crawled out of bed and got dressed, you are about to shamble
out the door when you discover that the money that was to last you
the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no
idea what happened to it but the traces of pizza on your clothes
allow the possibility that you might have treated everyone to a
takeout at some point. Alternatively your pocket could have been
picked or you might have given the taxi driver a fifty dollar note
by mistake.
Rationionalizing that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID
and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that
you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and
start to loathe all your friends.
Stage 4 - FRAGILE
As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE
self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition
ensures that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to
you.
Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS
This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can
spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great
distance. Even worse, they know that they can complete your misery
by making fun of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too
FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to
hide.
