Love means never having to ask, "Does that fifty include a
spanking?"
My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her
voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my
father.
When I was young, I wrote a letter to Santa every year and he
always brought me what I wanted.
Now that I'm an adult, I have my children write similar letters to
Santa, but the lazy bastard never brings them anything.
If you're singing Christmas songs on your neighbor's lawn at
night with your church group, it's called "caroling."
But if you're doing it alone with no pants on, it's called "drunk
and disorderly."
