(1) Dear DT
This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership
expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would
like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering
you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to
seeing you again soon.
All the best, JP
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(2) From: DT
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm
To: JP
Subject: Re: Membership Renewal
Dear JP
Thank you for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce
my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not
work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save
around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm
that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately.
Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking
bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and
headband.
Regards, DT
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(3) From: JP
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am
To: DT
Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Hello DT
How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are
actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your
renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months
saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness
First so do not have those bags.
Cheers, JP
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(4) From: DT
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am
To: JP
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear JP
Do I get free shipping with that?
Regards, DT
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(5) From: JP
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm
To: DT
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for
six months.
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(6) From: DT
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm
To: JP
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear JP
By the power of Grey skull that is a lot of money but I admit to
being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year
old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and
I have to go several days without washing. I feel bad constantly
having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them
for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my
apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full
intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain
for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not
going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise
instead was, quite frankly, horrifying. My aversion to work, along
with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude,
telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial
enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.
Regards, DT
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
(7) From: JP
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am
To: DT
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Hello DT
Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you
steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin
is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude
while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there
are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.
Cheers, JP
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
( 8 ) From: DT
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am
To: JP
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear JP
Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume
the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that
there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise
purposeless professionals. I knew a guy in high school who couldn't
talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher
'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell
him sticks to get our money back. He went on to become a fitness
instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that
provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome
to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex
obviously.
Regards, DT
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
(9) From: JP
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am
To: DT
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal
Due
Go f*ck yourself.
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(10) From: DT
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am
To: JP
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal
Due
Dear JP
I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you
are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the
next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have
learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid
abuse. As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your
p#$%, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I
have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so
this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends. If I
woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would
probably take my anger out on those around me as well. There are
probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your
problem more effectively and picture based books available on the
subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I
like to Listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire
to cut myself works similarly to the way fire-fighters fight forest
fires by burning off sections, effectively cancelling each other
out and I find myself at peace. I understand that you guys usually
listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be
worth a try.
Regards, DT
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
(11) From: JP
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm
To: DT
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal
Due
DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN
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(12) From: DT
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm
To: JP
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership
Renewal Due
Ok.
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(13) From: JP
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm
To: DT
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership
Renewal Due
Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me
again?
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
(14) From: DT
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm
To: JP
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
Membership Renewal Due
The middle one.
