A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his
morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a
piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written
on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation."
"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was
at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on. "The next
morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again." What was
that for?" he complained. "Your dog called last night."
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Signs You've Eaten Too Much
10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around
you.
9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet
tall.
8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the
earth's axis.
7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.
6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.
5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back
off!"
4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.
3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire
department.
2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.
1. You're sweatin' gravy.
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A man is so proud of his wife for having nine kids that he keeps
calling her mother of nine.
But his wife hates it. One day when they're at a party and getting
ready to leave, the man says to his wife:
"Ready to go mother of nine?"
That was the last straw for his wife. She replied:
"You bet father of three."
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Bribe and Groom
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with
an unusual offer:
"Look, I''ll give you $100 if you''ll change the wedding vows. When
you get to the part where I''m supposed to promise to ''love, honor
and obey'' and ''be faithful to her forever,'' I''dappreciate it if
you''d just leave that out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On
the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom''s vows,
the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every
command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your
life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you
will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall
live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice,
"Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had
a deal."
The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom''s hand and whispered:
"She made me a better offer."
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A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative
defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a
few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see
how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by
his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the
defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or
not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his
artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
