A Big Bad Day
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to
change
the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get
into
Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The
policy
would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day
at
12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly
told
the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the
day
you died."
"No problem." said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought
my
wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch
hour,
she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have
sex
with him. So today I was going to come home too and catch them.
Well,
I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for
this
guy. My wife was half-naked and yelling at me as I searched the
entire
apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was going
to
give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed
that
there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve
of
that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there
and
promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.
But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his
fall
and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more, so in a rage I
went
back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw
at
him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the
refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony
and
heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed
him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I
had
a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The angel sat back and though for a moment. Technically, the guy
DID
have a bad day, and it was a crime of passion, so he announced,
"OK,
Sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK, here's the rule.
Before
I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."
"Sure thing" the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this.
I
was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my
daily
exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell
over
the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my
fingertips
on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this
crazy
man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and
stomping
on my fingers! Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes
on
the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As
I'm
laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in
excruciating
pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over
the
ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes
his
story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to
himself.
"Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of
Heaven,"
and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate.
"Tell
me about the day you died," said the angel.
"OK, picture this, " says the man. "I'm naked inside a
Refrigerator......."
The Closet
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is
at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in
the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She
puts
her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in
there
already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes,
it
is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to
buy
it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how
much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover
are in
the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy
- "I
have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks
the boy,
"How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove,
let's go
outside and have a game of catch. The boy says, "I can't, I sold
my
baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell
them for?"
Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your
friends
like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going
to take
you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the
father
makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the
door.
The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that
shit
again, you're in my closet now."
Titanic
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up
together at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they
would each have to answer one
question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of
the ship that crashed into the
iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered
quickly, "That would be the
Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't
REALLY need all the odors that
this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a
little harder: "How many people
died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen
the movie and answered,
"about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
Consequences of Smoking Dope
Two So-Cal guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and
appeared in
court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young
men, and
I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want
you to
go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use
and get them
to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday.
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first
one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs
forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:
_
/ \
|
| O
\ _ /
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and
this
(small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to
the 2nd
boy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs
forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the
small circle and told them, "this is your asshole before
prison......"
