Lion Tamer
Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become
a lion tamer."
The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no
lion taming."
"Yes I do!"
"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all
roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"
"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in
his face until he backs down."
"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair
with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do
you do then?"
"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and
whip him until he backs down."
"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and
bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"
"Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the
cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."
"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What
you gonna do then?"
"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws
the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun
don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that
cage, you can bet on that."
A Smart Blonde
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight
from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun
game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely
declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of
fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the
answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer
you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you
$500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no
end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the
earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a
$5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " says the lawyer,
"your turn".
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes
down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all
his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his
modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no
avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her
$500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you, " and turns back to get some more
sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and
asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer
$5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Owner of a Boat
There were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a old
dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the
same day Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old woman saw
Joe, and mistaking him for John. Said "I'm sorry to hear about your
loss. You must feel terrible"
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat, said "Fact is, I'm
sort of glad to get rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the
beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an
old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack
in the back and a pretty big hole in the front, too. Every time I
used her the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess
what finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys
looking for a good time for the weekend. I warned them that she
wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow and were
willing to pay. The fools all tried to get in her at the same time
and split her right down the middle."
The old woman fainted
Little Johnny and Moral of the Story
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get
their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of
egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a
basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the
road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "And
what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all
your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers,
too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs
one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the
moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're
hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story
to share?"
"Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She
was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a
bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the
whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right
in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the
machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more
with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10
with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher,
"what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible
story?" "Stay away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking."
