1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait
until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a
deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me
every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.
Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every
keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're
going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks
where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or
supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to
function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good
training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my
limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me
which is priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office
and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no
life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If
that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like
my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be
whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write
them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.
No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I
have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain,
I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd
deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you
could really change your life and send you straight to managers'
hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else
has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I
especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the
bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my
goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating
with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money
anyway.
