28. 4 surgeons are taking a tea break:
1st surgeon says "Accountants are the best to operate on because
when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
2nd surgeon says "Nope, librarians are the best. Everything
inside them is in alphabetical order."
3rd surgeon says "Well you should try electricians. Everything
inside them is colour coded."
4th surgeon says "I prefer Tottenham fans. They're heartless,
spineless, gutless and their heads and a**es are
interchangeable."
29. Unsubstantiated reports seem to suggest that Chelsea will be
releasing a new record at the end of the month, "I'm forever
blowing Doubles"!
30. Q: What would you get if Newcastle were relegated?
A: 45,000 more Chelsea fans
32. Q: How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around
him.
35. Q: What's the difference between a Liverpool fan and a
broken clock?
A: Even a broken clock is right twice a day!
36. Q. What's the difference between a Hibernian fan and a
coconut?
A. You can get a drink out of a coconut!
38. Graham Taylor was wheeling his shopping trolley across the
supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with
her shopping.
He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" to which the old
lady replied, "no way you got yourself into this mess, don't ask me
to sort it out!"
39. A bloke goes into Stanstead Airport and manages to
eventually get into the departure lounge where his flight home is
being called. All around him there are overturned tables, smashed
windows, computer terminals broken, upturned chairs and crowd
control barriers lying on the floor.
"Christ, what's happened here?" he asks one of the ground
crew.
"Oh yeah...", he replies "Absolutely hopeless .... we had the
Chelsea players in here this morning filming the new Nike ad".
40. A Bloke walks into a bric-a-brac shop and sees an ornamental
brass rat, the sort of thing women of a certain age love to put on
the mantlepiece. He thinks "that'll be perfect for his Mother's
birthday", so he asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
"£25 for the rat, £100 for the story", replies the man.
"Forget the story" says the bloke, and so buys the rat for 25
quid. He walks off down the road, but has not gone 30 yards when a
rat comes up from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more
arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all
following the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to a cliff.
He throws the brass rat over, and millions of rats follow, one
after each other, plunging to certain death. The bloke them runs
back to shop.....
"Aaaah", says the shop keeper, "you'll be back for the
story"
"Screw the story - do you have a brass man utd fan?"
41. A nurse at Birmingham General Infirmary told an industrial
tribunal how she tried to stop the fight between two top doctors
which resulted in one of them being sacked by the hospital.
"I pulled them apart" said Alice Magee, 32, "and could see Dr
Cage was in tears. I asked him what it was about and he sobbed
'It's that man on E-ward, you know, that one with the Man United
pyjamas. Doctor Harper has just told him that he's only got two
weeks left to live'. I told him there was nothing more we could do
for him and he had to be told.
Dr Cage said 'I know that, but I wanted to tell the bastard'"
The incident follows a complaint from a patient in August of last
year when Dr Cage told a cancer victim he had some good news and
some bad news
"The bad news is you're going to die" "and the good news ?"
asked the downcast patient "we beat the scum 2-1!"
42. A Rangers and Celtic fan get into a nasty car accident. Both
vehicles are really wrecked, but amazingly neither of them are
hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the Celtic fan says, "So
you're a Rangers fan, that's interesting. I'm a Celtic fan... Wow!
Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are
unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be
friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The Rangers fan replied,"Totally agree - this must be a sign
from God!" The Rangers fan went on, "And look at this - here's
another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of
whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink it, to celebrate
the fact we are alive and kicking?"
He hands the bottle to the Celtic fan who nods his head in
agreement, opens it and takes few big swigs from the bottle, then
hands it back to the Rangers fan. The Rangers fan takes the bottle,
immediately puts the cap back on, and hands back to the Celtic fan.
The Celtic fan asks, "Aren't you having any?" The Rangers fan
replies, "Nah...I think I'll just wait for the police......"
43. An Aberdeen fan is trapped on a remote desert island with a
sheep and a dog. Soon, the sheep starts looking really attractive
to the Aberdeen fan. However, whenever he approaches a sheep the
dog growls in a threatening manner.
The Aberdeen fan takes the dog to the opposite side of the
island giving it some food as a distraction. He runs back to the
sheep only to find the dog growling at him. The Aberdeen fan ties
the dog to a tree with a large leash. He goes back to the sheep
only to find the dog growling with a gnawed off leash around its
neck.
By now, Aberdeen fan is getting depressed and frustrated. As he
sits under a palm tree staring out to sea, a beautiful woman in a
tight-fitting wet suit emerges from the surf.
She asks him who he is and, taking pity upon his lonely state,
asks if there's ANYTHING she could do for him. The Aberdeen fan
thinks for a moment and then responds, "Could you take the dog for
a walk?
45. A white van driver used to keep himself amused by scaring
witless every Glasgow Rangers fan he saw sauntering down High
common road in his blue and white uniform. He would swerve as if to
hit them, and at the last minute, swerve back onto the road.
One day as he was driving along the road, he saw a priest
hitch-hiking. He thought he would do his good deed for the day and
offer the priest a lift.
"Where are you off tae, Father?" he asked.
"I'm going to give Mass at St Michaels's church - it's aboot 2
miles down the road,".
"Nae worries," said the driver, "Hop in and I'll gee ya a
lift."
The happy priest climbed into the van and they set off down the
road. Suddenly the driver caught site of a Hun on the pavement, and
instinctively swerved as if to hit him, but just in time,
remembering the priest in his van, swerved back to the road again,
narrowly missing the idiot. Although he was certain that he didn't
hit him, however, he still heard a loud "Thud". Not understanding
where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors, and, seeing
nothing, said to the priest, "Oh sorry Father, I nearly hit that
Rangers Fan walking down the road there."
"No need to apologise Sonny," replied Father, "I got the ba$tard
with the door!"
