dunno if these has been posted before, here goes
Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you
about what had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study
history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.
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Teacher : Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how
much would your father still have?
Ted : $10.
Teacher : You don't know maths.
Ted : You don't know my father!
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Mother : David, come here.
David : Yes, mum?
Mother : You really disappoint me. Your results are getting
worse.
David : But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother : I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am
scolding you now.
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Father : Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son : On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father : So?
Son : On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right
answer?
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A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter
were watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud
crash of breaking plates, then complete silence. The daughter
turned to look at her father.
Daughter : It's mummy!
Father : How do you know?
Daughter : She didn't say anything.
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Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love
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Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born
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Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.
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Teacher : Simon, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same
as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon : No, teacher, it's the same dog!
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Father : Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you
anything!
Son : That's why I say she's no good!
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Teacher: 'Where were u born?'
Student: 'Singapore, Sir.'
Teacher: 'Which part?'
Student: 'All of me, Sir.'
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A teacher was asking her class: 'What is the difference between
'unlawful' and 'illegal'?'
Only one hand shot up.
'Ok, answer, Joan' said the teacher.
''unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and
'illegal' is a sick eagle.'
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Teacher: 'How come you do not comb your hair?'
Ah Kow: 'No comb, Sir.'
Teacher: 'Use your dad's then.'
Ah Kow: 'No hair, Sir.'
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A boy came home from school with his exam results.
'What did u get?' asked his father.
'My marks are under water,' said the boy.
'What do u mean 'under water'?'
'They are all below 'C' (sea) level'
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Lesson 1:
A man
is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
The
wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs
downstairs.
When
she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door
neighbour.
Before she says a
word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that
towel.'
After
thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and
leaves.
The
woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back
upstairs.
When
she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was
that?'
'It
was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the
husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?'
Moral of the story:
If
you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent
avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A
priest offered a Nun a lift.
She
got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a
leg.
The
priest nearly had an accident.
After
controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her
leg.
The
nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The
priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide
up her leg again.
The
nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The
priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is
weak.'
Arriving at the
convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On
his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find
glory.'
Moral of the story:
If
you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A
sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They
rub it and a Genie comes out.
The
Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me
first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the
Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the
world.'
Puff!
She's gone.
'Me
next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff!
He's gone.
'OK,
you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The
manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always
let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
:
An
eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A
small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you
and do nothing?'
The
eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So,
the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate
it.
Moral of the story:
To
be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high
up.
Lesson 5
:
A
turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I
would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the
turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't
you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're
packed with nutrients.'
The
turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the
tree.
The
next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch.
Finally after a
fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the
tree.
He
was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the
tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull
Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you
there..
Lesson 6
:
A
little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the
bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While
he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on
him.
As
the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was.
The
dung was actually thawing him out!
He
lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for
joy.
A
passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
investigate.
Following the
sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1)
Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2)
Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.
(3)
And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth
shut!
