As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department
areas, we are
forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this
plan, older
employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus
permitting the
retention of younger people who represent our future.
Therefore, a program
to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal
year, via
retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged
Personnel). Employees
who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for
jobs outside the
company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of
their employment
records before actual retirement takes place. This
review phase of the
program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of
Retired-Early Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file
an appeal with
upper management.
This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority
Following
Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an
employee may only be
SLAPPED once and SCREWED twice but may be SHAFTED as many
times as the
company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be
entitled to get
HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early
Severance) or CLAP
(Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she already
has AIDS
(Additional Income from Dependents or Spouse).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any
employee who has
received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED
by the
company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who
remain on board that
the company will continue its policy of training employees
through our
Special, High-Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride
in the amount of
SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more
SHIT than any
company in this area. If any employee feels they do not
receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate
supervisor.
Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive
all the SHIT you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with
us.