Before takeoff... Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San
Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right
place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a
really long evening.
We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of
this aircraft.
The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is...
the flight attendants. Please look at one now.
There are five exits aboard this plane: two at the front, two over
the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in
one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet.
That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look
around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between
you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one,
trust me, you'll be glad you did. (This is excellent advice, and
something I always do.) We have pretty blinking lights on the floor
that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the
normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.
In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, these baggy things will
drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth
like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but
there's oxygen there, promise.
If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting
like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask
first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take
a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one
first, and then work your way down.
In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety
features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having
my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has
pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now.
Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened
low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the
metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing -- not a
pushy thing like your car because you're in an airplane --
HELLO!!
There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no
smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the
lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is
a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this
flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the
smoking sections tonight ... hold on, let me check what it is ....
Oh here it is; the movie tonight is Gone with the Wind.
In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going
to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now
would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The
yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the
orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is
your seat ejection button.
We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for
choosing Alaska Air and giving us your business and your money. If
there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please
don't hesitate to ask.
If you all weren't strapped down, you would have given me a
standing ovation, wouldn't you?
After landing... Welcome to the San Francisco International
Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the captain's
fault. It's not the copilot's fault. It's the Asphalt.
Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no
time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So
please don't even try.
Please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift
happens."
