There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting
around talking about how their lives sucked.
The cucumber "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy,
they cut me up and stick me on a salad."
The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When
I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on
me, and stick me in a jar."
The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When
I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head,
stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I
throw up and pass out!."
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A third grade teacher told her class, "Children, we
are going to begin to study a little sex education. Tonight, girls,
your first assignment will be to find out from your parents how to
avoid getting pregnant. For you boys, your assignment will be to go
home and find out what a penis is."
So little Johnny goes home and asks his father, "Daddy, what is a
penis?" The father pulls down his pants and points proudly saying,
"Son, that is a perfect penis."
The next day, when Johnny gets to school, his best friend runs up
to him on the playground and says to Johnny, "I forgot to find out
what a penis is! What's a penis!"
Johnny tells him, "Come on." So they both go into the boys room and
Johnny pulls down his pants. He points down and says, "There, if
that was a little smaller, it would be a perfect
penis!"
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Telephone Sex
Therapy Clinics to Take Credit Cards
In light of a recent court decision allowing medical clinics to
accept credit cards for their services, several sexual dysfunction
clinics have announced that they will now accept major credit cards
as payment for counseling services. They include:
# The Clinic for Treatment of Voyeurs will take the "Discover"
Card
# Those getting treatment at the Bondage and Discipline Clinic can
charge to their "Master Card"
# Patients at the Treatment Center for Extramarital Affairs with
Foreigners will pay with their "Visa" cards
# The Oral Sex Dysfunction Institute will accept "Diners
Club"
# Patients at the Premature Ejaculation Clinic can pay with their
"American Express"
# The new Center for the Treatment of Persons who Think they can
have Sex with Anyone will take "Carte Blanche"
"We're still trying to find someone to take the Shell Oil card,"
said a credit card industry spokeswoman.
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THE RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally
one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the
hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole
and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play
begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary
until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure
to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course
again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately
upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally
take time to admire the entire course with special attention to
well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have
played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being
played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players
equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own
protection.
10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been
properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played
for the first time. Previous players have been known to become
irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered
to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all
times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to
be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely
tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find
alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any
bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment
with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission
before attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course
owners request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to
play the same hole several times in one match
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