Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open
Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up
menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up
until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote
'click'."
(At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest
of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however,
stop from giggling when I got back to the call.)
Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
Customer: "I've done something dumb, right?"
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am
still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to
work?"
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it
says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery
disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer "No..."
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen,
can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC."
Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?"
Customer: "I can't open the box."
Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed
and go from there."
Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks...."
Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've
got a fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says
is 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive-go to A:\
and type 'dir'."
Customer: reads off a list of file names, including
'INSTALL.EXE'.
Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type
'INSTALL' again."
Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file
name'."
Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place - it
can't help but do something. Are you sure you're typing
I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the Enter key?"
Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad
command or file name'."
Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing
I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"
Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm
using the 'M' key...does that matter?
At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything.
They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning
the computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the
bars.
Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."
Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open
an outage."
Customer: "What is that?"
Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your
computer."
Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar..."
Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install
disk, and now my A: drive won't work."
Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"
Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got
stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all."
Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error
messages did you get?"
Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in
the drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to
get it out. That didn't work either."
Tech Support: "You did what sir?"
Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out,
but it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a
bit."
Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject
button?"
Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and
used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the
disk, and that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out
fine. I can't believe you would send me a disk that was broken and
defective."
Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in
your A:drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?" At this point,
I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other techs
to listen in.
Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you
repeat what you just said?"
Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy
disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out."
Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking
out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the
disk eject button?"
Silence.
Tech Support: "Sir?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"
Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I
am going to sue you for breaking my computer?"
Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue
our company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow
the instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional
advice, didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your
computer properly, instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive
and physically rip the disk out?"
Customer: "Ummmm."
Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we
do record every call and have it on tape?"
Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to
help!"
Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do
for you. Have a nice day."