Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for
good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have
nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your
boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that
was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that
I had got my hair and nails done, cooked your favourite meal and
even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two
minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the football.
You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or
anything.
Either, you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the
case is, I'm gone.
P. S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are
moving away to West Yorkshire together! Have a great
life!
Your EX-Wife
Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true
that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good
woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to
try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first
thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother
raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.
When you cooked my favourite meal, you must have got me confused
with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I
went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the
price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that
my brother had just borrowed £50 from me that morning and your
negligee was £49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it
out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for £10
million I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.
But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason
I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My
lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get
a penny from me. So take care.
P. S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was
born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Signed Rich As Hell and Free!
