A man is in a hotel
lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to
the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him
and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both
startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your
breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis
is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
********************************************************
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get
you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,"
responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating
something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste,
nothing will."
*********************************************************
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next
to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief
hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about
sexual statistics. He asks her about it
and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about
sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have
the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest
average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill.
What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice
to meet you."
***********************************************************
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps
his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her
arm. The wife turns over and says: I'm sorry honey, I've
got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I
want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over
and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over
and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do
you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
************************************************************
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for
a number of years when he came home one day to confess to
his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to
stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested
that he should see a sex therapist to
talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too
embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his
own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely
ashamed. His wife could see at once that something was
seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she
asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this
tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what
happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what
happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired
too."
**************************************************************
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a
coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub
her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing
this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out
and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests
he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is
any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast
and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor
suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he
will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't
want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out
about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the
doctor his wife is dead. The doctor
asks what happened to which the man replies: "She
choked."
************************************************************
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts
the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished
patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth
and place my genitals inside.
Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open
his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In
return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you
will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their
approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his
trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open
mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the
alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator
opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals
unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his
free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made
another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to
give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A
woman timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with
the beer bottle".
***************************************************************
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices
a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black
dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot
tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball,
3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white
guy faints!!
The big black dude picks up the small white guy and
brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the
small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy
says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black
dude looks down and says "7 foot all, 350 pounds, 20 inch
dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball,
my name
is Turner Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I
thought you said 'Turn around. '"
***********************************************************
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They
were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the
old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've
been married for 50 Years." "Yeah," she replied,
"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said,
"We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty
years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What
do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two
stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You
know, honey," the little old
lady breathlessly replied,"My nipples are as hot for you
today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee
and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!
