The Onion is as
brilliant as always.
 Horribly Awkward First Sexual Encounter ‘Worth
The Wait’ For Christian Newlyweds
 March 17, 1999 | Issue
35•10
 CHARLESTON, SC—John and Linda McCue, joined in holy
matrimony Sunday before friends, family and their Lord at Holy
Christ Almighty Lutheran Church, said the incredibly awkward
wedding-night consummation of their love was “well worth the
wait.”
 “I’m so glad we waited until we got married—it made it
so much more special,” said the 26-year-old Linda, who is “pretty
sure” John’s penis penetrated her vaginal opening during the brief,
fumbling lovemaking session. “I can’t imagine what a letdown our
first sexual experience would have been if we’d done it at some
point during our five years of dating.”
 John, 27, agreed. “As I prepared, sweat-drenched and
terror-struck, to insert my semi-erect penis into my petrified new
bride, I couldn’t help but think what a precious, magical moment it
was. Then, as Linda started to cry out from the anticipation of
pain from the first-ever breaching of her tightly constricted
vaginal walls, a tear of joy streamed down my cheek.”
 According to the devout Lutherans, after retiring to
their bridal suite at the Charleston Marriott East, Linda decided
to initiate the evening of romance and dread by excusing herself to
the bathroom, where she spent “approximately an hour” changing into
the floor-length cotton nightgown she had purchased especially for
the occasion.
 Recalled John: “When I saw Linda emerge from the
bathroom, a vision in billowing, opaque cloth, her head and hands
peeking tantalizingly from the tight collar and cuffs, the moment
we first fell in love came rushing back to me in a wave of
adoration and fear.”
 After an estimated 45 minutes spent in prayer and
devotionals to ensure the smoothest possible act of coitus, John
made sure the windows and doors were all securely locked, and that
all windowshades and blinds were closed. He then reached to his
nightstand to turn out the lights “to contribute to the feeling of
romance” and “because Linda refused to let me touch her nightgown
until the room was completely dark.”
 Trembling in giddy anticipation and fright, the longtime
couple climbed under the sheets and blankets, where John took his
place on top of his blushing, sobbing bride.
 “As with millions of young newlyweds who haven’t yet had
sex,” John said, “there was some nervousness and confusion at
first. But after a couple of minutes, we figured out that it would
be easier if Linda separated her legs to facilitate entry.”
 Penile insertion was somewhat complicated by John’s
refusal to assist the navigation process by touching himself—an
act the Bible strictly prohibits—but a few more minutes of
unsteady shifting and jabbing enabled his penis to “almost
certainly” enter Linda.
 Having at last achieved probable sexual congress, the
couple was brought to new heights of nervous, clumsy passion. “As I
ran my trembling hands over John’s rigid shoulders,” Linda said, “I
said a prayer thanking our Lord Jesus for giving us the strength to
wait for this wonderful, fulfilling moment. It certainly was every
bit as special as I’d hoped.”
 Added Linda: “I’m sure the first time isn’t anywhere
near as magical for all those young people who don’t save
themselves for marriage. Now I know why God wanted us to wait.”
 As the sexual act wore on, Linda said it grew gloriously
tolerable, describing the experience as “endurable beyond my
wildest dreams.”
 “Toward the end,” she said, “I was almost relaxed enough
to enjoy myself, and then, of course, John ejaculated.” Linda
declined to elaborate on her new husband’s sexual climax, but said,
“I can definitely say that the encounter, which yesterday would
have been an unforgivable sin in the eyes of God, was noticeably
pleasurable, and probably even somewhat erotic in nature.”
 John agreed wholeheartedly, calling their wedding-night
union “the most exciting minutes of my life.” Immediately after
finishing, the newlyweds took turns showering.
 As for the future of the couple’s sex life, John said he
is full of hope. “I’d like to maybe try actually touching Linda’s
vagina with my hand at some point,” he said. “Then again, I don’t
want to rush things. Also, I’ve heard that the vagina kind of
smells bad.”
 “I certainly hope the Lord will now bless us with a
child after this wonderful night,” Linda said. “If not, we may be
forced to repeat this beautiful experience.”