Resignation letter
There are many tips on how to write resumes; but how about this for
a resignation letter?!? (An actual letter sent by a fed-up U.S
employee in Port Huncliff, New England)
Mr. Baker,
As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few
very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct
superior shares an intellect that ranges above the common ground
squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself,
and my co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only
surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our
time.
Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance
of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is
not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I
was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired
to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you
vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the
hundredth time.
You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple
as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never
understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain
it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as
telling you what an IP is.
Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You
walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in
others. You have a sharp-dressed, useless look about you that may
have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have
responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their
talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of
managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone
else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the
Dilbert principle.
Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting
a full frontal lobotomy, I am forced to tender my resignation;
however I have a few parting points:
1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal
to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is
"I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you
over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know
you would be unable to do it on your own.
2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I
know every password you have used for the last five years. If you
decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list",
which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless
files. I believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed
favourably by the administration.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your
mothers B-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to
take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to
erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say
I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure
you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the
authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a
spell check please - I hate having to correct your damn
mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation
on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow, not ONE minute later. One word of
this to anybody and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions
will be open to the public. Never fuck with your systems
administrators, because they know what you do with all your free
time.
