Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is
this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not
make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of
your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a
nap.
***
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing
more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your
system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of
field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you
100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
***
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables.
As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into
three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that
beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic
table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice:
Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
***
Q: How can I calculate my body fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is
one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one,
etc.
***
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain --
Good.
***
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Food is fried these days in vegetable oil.
The fact is they're permeated with it. How could getting more
vegetables be bad for you?
***
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
***
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around
the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have
had.
