There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived
with her mother on the edge of a large wood. One day, her mother
asked her to take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water to her
grandmother's house, not because this was woman's work, mind you,
but because the deed was generous and helped engender a feeling of
community. Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, but rather
was in full physical and mental health as was fully capable of
taking care of herself as a mature adult.
So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket of food through the
woods. Many people she knew believed that the forest was a
foreboding and dangerous place and never set foot in it. Red Riding
Hood, however, was so confident in her own budding sexuality that
such obvious Freudian imagery did not hinder her.
One her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was accosted by a
Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. She replied, "Some
healthful snacks for my grandmother, who is certainly capable of
taking care of herself as a mature adult."
The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl
to walk through these woods alone."
Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the
extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as
an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to
develop your own, entirely valid world view. Now, if you'll excuse
me, I must be on my way."
Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path. But, because his
status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to
linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to
Grandma's house. He burst into the house, and ate Grandma, an
entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as himself.
Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist notions of what was
masculine or feminine, he put on Grandma's nightclothes and crawled
into bed.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have
brought you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your
role of a wise and nurturing matriarch."
From the bed, the Wolf said softly, "Come closer, child, so that I
might see you."
Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically challenged
as a bat. Grandma, what big eyes you have!" "They have seen much,
and forgiven much, my dear."
"Grandma, what a big nose you have, only relatively, of course, and
certainly attractive in its own way." "It has smelled much and
forgiven much, my dear." "Grandma, what big teeth you have!"
The Wolf said, "I am happy with who I am and what I am," and leaped
out of bed. He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, intent on
devouring her. Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at the
Wolfs apparent tendency toward cross-dressing, but because of his
willful invasion of her personal space. Her screams were heard by a
passing wood chopper-person (or log-fuel technician, as he
preferred to be called). When he burst into the cottage, he saw the
melee and tried to intervene. But as he raised his ax, Red Riding
Hood and the Wolf both stopped.
"And, what do you think you're doing?" asked Red Riding Hood.
The wood chopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but no words
came to him.
"Busting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to do
your thinking for you!," she said. "Sexist! Speciesist! How dare
you assume that women and wolves can't solve their own problems
without a man's help!"
When she heard Red Riding Hood's speech, Grandma jumped out of the
Wolfs mouth, took the wood chopper-person's ax, and cut his head
off. After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the Wolf felt
a certain commonality of purpose. They decided to set up an
alternative household based on mutual respect and cooperation, and
they lived together in the woods happily ever after.
The end.
