28 July 2007

sand king SG

Heeding what FI has said, please post all jokes you have today,here.

Ty

=========================================

7 Habits of Successful People........in Hokkien

Steven Covey's famous 7 habits for successful people are
nothing more than a free adaptation of Hokkien phrases. So why pay
thousands ofdollars to listen to ang-mors like him when your parents,
wives, husbands, and even the auntie-auntie who sweeps the floor, can give you that kind of advice everyday?

Habit No 1: Be Pro-Active
-- Kin Ka Kin Chiew (fast leg, fast hand)

Habit No 2: Begin with the End In Mind
-- Ooh Tao Ooh Buay (have head,have tail)

Habit No 3: First Things First
-- Chik Hung Chik Hung Lai (one thing at a time);
Ban Ban Lai (slow and steady); Cho Tow Seng (do first)

Habit No 4: Think Win-Win
-- Long Chong Ai Yarh (want to win in everything)

Habit No 5: Seek To Understand Rather Than To Be Understood
-- Cho Lang Ai Beng Pek (you must be understanding)

Habit No 6: Synergize
-- Tai Kay Ai Hup Chop (all must co-operate)

Habit No 7: Sharpen the Saw
-- Toh Bua Lai Lai (sharpen the knife until it is very sharp)

sand king SG

Please find below a memo from Human Resource effective immediately.

To All Staff,
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary . If we see you wearing $750 Prada shoes & carrying a $900 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK LEAVE:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement or medical certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything.We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of your employment contract.

PERSONAL LEAVE:
Each employee will receive 104 days of personal leave a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

COMPANY VACATION DAYS:
We are a good company that, on top of your entitlement to 104 days of personal leave a year, all employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The company vacation days are as follows: Jan 1 & Dec 25.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.. In the next future,we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A will go from 8 to 8:20,employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker. However, both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing (and not necessarily on toilet paper).

LUNCH BREAKS:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Have a nice week!

From: Management Team

sand king SG

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are
comparing stories on how they died.

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there some-where that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and
down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer.
We'd both still be alive.

sand king SG

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up...I'll get my hat."