1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is
guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers
incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public
service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible
responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to
this, of course, is: Im sorry if Ive been pensive, dear. I was
just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring,
intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer,
which most likely is one of the following:
a. Football.
b. Golf.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy,
who once told Peg, If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I
would be talking to you!
Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: YES! or, if
you feel a more detailed answer is in order, Yes, dear.
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, [email protected]*-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: Of
course not! Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldnt call you fat, but youre not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. Ive seen fatter.
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think shes prettier than me? Once again, the
proper response is an emphatic: Of course not! Incorrect
responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I
would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win
question.(The real answer, of course, is Buy a Lotus and a
boat).
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of
follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not - dont you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Woman: Then why wouldnt you remarry?
Man: Okay, Id get married again.
Woman: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
Man: (makes audible groan)
Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with
pictures of her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She cant use them; shes left-handed.
Woman: - - - silence - - -
Man: S H I T